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#6680 - 09/21/02 07:15 AM how do we talk to the out side world
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
It seem so hard to even begin taiking about all this stuff to people outside this website. There is so much they should know but so little they would understand .
Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#6681 - 09/21/02 12:12 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Everyone I know thinks it is horrible what is going on in the Catholic church regarding abuse, but abuse by Priests is just the tip of the iceberg. I think everyone is aware now that boys are abused--they just don't know the extent of the problem.
Start with what people know and relate it to what you want to talk about.
How's this for a headline: "Abuse by Priest is tip of Iceberg"

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#6682 - 09/21/02 03:13 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Not a gay issue--Public perception is that this is a gay issue.

We need to make it clear to people that this is not an issue of sexuality, and that it is far more devastating to boys than people believe it to be.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#6683 - 09/21/02 05:26 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
When you are ready, you will be able to talk about it more openly. As you regain the power over these things, it becomes easier to talk about. And yes the world needs to know about this. AS bad as the priest stuff has been reported in the news, I am glad at least it is being talked about. The awareness is increasing and that will help.
Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#6684 - 09/21/02 07:18 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
It's always hard to tell people, it still makes my stammer return and I turn to jelly.
But it feels so good afterwards, there's such a feeling of strength. It's another hurdle cleared.

But I haven't had a bad or negative reaction from anyone yet, and the thought of that is frightening so I am wary about who I tell.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#6685 - 09/22/02 02:35 AM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
this may seem inconceivably moronic to all of you, but I actually told EVERYBODY, all the time, for years. All my friends knew I'd lived with a molester for half a year. I would JOKE ABOUT IT. Obviously it was because i didn't want to deal with the pain and the scars he actually caused. And also because I thought so little of myself that I enjoyed the pain of abusing myself by belittling the experience - as if I deserved it somehow, or as if to say "look how tough I am...".
But it's incredible to me that no one, and I mean no one ever suggested I seek help. It's such a taboo, discomforting and "no-go zone" topic - male abuse. I told my best friend the other day that I finally hit a wall with the memories of the SA and am seeking help, on anti-d's etc. Know this guy for twenty-two years. And he's on anti-d's and in major therapy for serious depression. His response was to chuckle and say "Yeah, I wondered when that would catch up with you."
Says a lot about our culture.
Thank god for you all. We're in a cave my friends. So let's really enjoy each other's company and support.

-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#6686 - 09/22/02 04:47 AM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
The first time I really spoke up in a group about abuse in general was when an associate of mine made some off hand comment about gays in the Boy Scouts. I went off. He equated pedophiles with gays and I corrected him very clearly. Abuse isn't about sex or orientation it's about control. The guy that abused me in the BSA was just a manipulative perp that abused a position of trust.

Last week I was in the hospital, I had a mini-stroke (TIA). The cardiologist asked me if I was depressed often. I didn't hesitate, I told him yes but I'm taking some anti-ds and seeing a therapist and taking care of some issues arising out of being sexually abused as a child.

I've told a few people at work. Everyone at the local rape crisis center where I volunteer knows about it. I've told most of my closest friends about it. But it's not a topic that a lot of people feel comfortable with. They don't want to know how pervasive it is. I informed one of my co-workers one time about the statistics, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being abused before they're 18. She wasn't surprised so much by the girls but she thought the boys numbers should have been like 1 in 1000. That's the perception of the public. We need to make it clear just how it affects boys, why they haven't come forward until later in life and that it does happen even to people they know.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#6687 - 09/22/02 06:15 AM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Recently I had an intake and evaluation appointment with a guy a the California Department of Vocational Rehabilitation. I'm seeking their help because I am completely lost and clueless at the moment about my occupational future, at least while I get myself straightened out (no pun intended :rolleyes: ). Anyway, this guy was very professional and was asking lots of questions about current symptoms pertaining to my ability to work. I surprised myself by giving a complete history of how I got to be in this predicament, including revealing how I was raped a few years ago and the ensuing difficulties. I was very proud of myself for being so forthcoming about a subject so painful to discuss.

I think the benefits are twofold. First, I benefit by bringing a major source of shame out into the cold clear light of day. Talking about it matter of factly with a stranger in a position of some authority over me allows me to integrate and claim the experience as my own, thereby reducing its power in my subconscious. Secondly, society benefits by a little more education being done. Maybe this guy at the Dept. of Rehabilitation will have an opportunity in the future to be of some help to another man with a similar trauma. Maybe he will interject some sensitivity to the subject in a future conversation.

This is how we change the world. I believe things are getting better overall, despite what we see on the evening news. I just want it to happen faster!!


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#6688 - 09/22/02 07:38 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
There is something good to read on this topic here: http://www.abbington.com/hoffman/keynote.html
It was the Keynote address at a conference called "To Tell The Truth" in 1999. Some of it is difficult and maybe controversial, but it is worth reading.

Take care of yourselves,

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#6689 - 09/22/02 11:52 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
don, that post is EXTREMELY powerful. thanks so much. everyone here should read it. I'm going to cut and paste it as a topic.

Thank you thank you.

-Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#6690 - 09/24/02 03:05 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guy for all your words . You have given me much to think about. Don great find in that address by Richard Hoffman. Thanks again Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#6691 - 09/25/02 11:17 AM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
Guys, ALL of us abused people, weather straight, gay, male or female, it is, I believe, A VERY HARD ACT IF LIFE TO LIVE THROUGH - FROM THE BEGINNING WHEN IT HAPPENED, TILL TODAY OR WHENEER, YOU BEGIN TO TRY AL DEAL WITH WHAT TOOK PLACE. I do believe though, that is is harder (at this time) for men to publically admit that they were abused. But the sooner ALL OF US MALE ABUSED PEOPLE SPEAK UP THE BETTER, and hopefuly, life does continue to get somewhat more better for us. Michael aka Bos \:\(


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#6692 - 09/25/02 02:20 PM Re: how do we talk to the out side world
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bos:

I agree with what you're saying, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot. I'm pretty sure I'll go public when I've worked thru my survival issues and my physical problems a bit more.

I'm not sure when that will be, but I don't think it's a cop-out. After all, I've only begun to connect with and deal with my abuse memories in the last year or so. And I've still got a lot to learn; but of course I always will, and don't we all?

One thing I'm working toward are some articles and maybe a book; publishing time might be coming out time. But I've got a ways to go.

There may be some reasons why some of us will never be able to go public, and maybe shouldn't.

Nevertheless, I think there are ways we could speak out more, such as anonymous books, articles, studies, polls, etc, with a lot of effort & publicity behind them.

Of course many of you probably have more experience with this than I. Anyone have any thots about this?

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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