I am not too sure how to phrase all my thoughts so forgive me for the obscure phrasing here !
Last week end I went on a retreat in a monastery in order to process all the pain of the recent events (see previous post). Once there, I started to release the emotions one by one. I got angry when I discovered that my life was still based on fear. As a child, I had the amazing ability to bury it deep and to get through the horrors of the numerous rapes I endured. I decided last week end that I had enough of being scared of my father and of my sexual desires for V. This decision triggered a big battle in the unconscious between the "old scared me" and the "new me". It released another horrible memory which brought a new light on my relationship problems with V.
As part of a two survivors relationships, projections are strong. I have come to understand that V related to me as if I was his mother. I replayed with him some of my baby feelings for my own mother (which I call the merging-abandonment issue). But now, in terms of the sexual issues in the relationship, I understand that my own fears of sex and sexual intimacy with V were connected with my father. I am trying to pin similarities between V and my father that could have triggered some fears that remained in the unconscious. I am trying to uncover fears that kept me from totally opening up to V. V told me once that physically in some ways I looked like his mother. It troubled me a lot. But we all know that fantasies, desires, taste and appreciation come from what we learn from our parents. So I need to accept it even if it means I also end up discovering that V and my father have some stuff in common which I really don't see right now.
I guess what I am trying to separate is projection from love. Maybe a part of me would like to discover that our relationship was all based on projections because it would mean that the love and pain would disapear. But for now, the love I feel in my heart remains despite all the crazy projections that went on between us.
I would be interested to know how other survivors who are in a survivor/survivor relationship got passed that issue of love and projection.
Thank you in advance
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !