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#66712 - 06/21/03 08:40 PM im so ticked
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
yesterday i talked to my mom, (i know stupid), she decided to get on her soap box and tell me that james and i needed to get a job and forgt what the dr. told us about not working. she said that we have to wake up and get over the past because that is what it is the past and nothing is hurting us now, that we are doing is not letting go of the past and if we keep trying to "think" about it then we wont ever get pass it. she said we are purposely trying to hang on to the past that it is our choice to keep thinking aout what has happened to us. she told us to just suck it up and get over it.

i tried to explain to her that we wished it was that simple and if it was we would have done it years ago. but what we are going threw now is from yeas of trying to ignore it. she said that was hog wash. that we should be more like her. she even went as far as saying we didnt have enough faith and didnt put it in GOD'S hands like we should.

of course she went on and on aboutit till i finaly just hungup on her. right before i did she tried to tell me that i just didnt want to hear what she hadto say,that all we wanted to do was sit and wallow in our self pitty. i tried to tell her she wasnat listening to me either, so she said no that wasnt the case, i just didnt want to face reality and that she was at least finaly telling us what she thought of this whole thing and that we should just get a life. thats when i hung up.

it pisses me off that she wants to preach at me for what "we" should do in her mind, and "we" dont listen and do what she thinks we should so "we" are screwed up because of it. she acts like she has all the answers and if "we" did what she said then our lives would be perfect.

she didnt even know what bi-polar ment till we explained it to her. then she had the balls to tell me she knows "LOTS" of people who is bi-polar and they take there lithium and are perfectly fine. please!!!!!!!!

anyway just needed to vent.

laura

_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#66713 - 06/21/03 09:36 PM Re: im so ticked
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
if we keep trying to "think" about it then we wont ever get pass it.
Laura,

They say you can't think your way out of it, so she may be more right than she knows. You won't ever get past just by thinking about it.

Quote:
i tried to tell her she wasnat listening to me either
I get the feeling that she's very uncomfortable with you being up front about abuse and recovery. Maybe you can still have peaceful contact if you leave that out of your discussions. Or maybe you need to stay away from her for a while.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#66714 - 06/21/03 10:28 PM Re: im so ticked
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
joe,
thank you for your reply.

Quote:
They say you can't think your way out of it, so she may be more right than she knows. You won't ever get past just by thinking about it.
i agree about with that 100%. and the trueth of the matter is the last thing i want to do is think about it. she just has the impression all we do is sit around all day moping and thinking about it, ,wich is not so. at this time we do nothave a T or a Pdoc but it is not from lack of us trying. i want to hurry and get over all this,but as well all know here we cant just "wish" it away either. i think most of us here has tried that and it just doesnt work. james and i both are trying vry hard to get the help we need and work threw each of our own problems, but theres not much you can do when all the doors has been closed due to the fact they are already over full and have hardly any room for the people they are already seeing and then the budget cuts that are to come. but we keep trying becasue we are not going to give up.


Quote:
get the feeling that she's very uncomfortable with you being up front about abuse and recovery. Maybe you can still have peaceful contact if you leave that out of your discussions. Or maybe you need to stay away from her for a while.

true she is uncomfortable with me talking about my abuse, she doesnt beleve it has happened at all. james and i have tried to keep that totaly out of any aspect of our conversations with her for that reason, however she keeps bringing it up to us about how she feels we are wrong in how we live our lives. she thinks we are "faking" what has happened to the both of us and that we need to be "normal"

and i am going o stay away from her , i dontplan on talking to her for a very long time.

laura

_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#66715 - 06/22/03 01:42 PM Re: im so ticked
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Laura,
I'm sorry to hear your frustrations with your family. I remember when I was really depressed (severe clinical depression) & reaching out to friends and family for support. It was disappointing, to say the least, to find people who simply would not or could not respond to me in any helpful way. A good part of my therapy was spent dealing with my sense of abandonment by these people. What helped me, somewhat, was coming to see them not through what I wanted from them, but through their own selves -- who they were & what they were capable of. Some I was able to understand and forgive, others I realized were just not good enough to be my friends. One friend said to me at the time regarding another "she is doing the best that she can and she isn't able to do more" I didn't really believe it then, but in retrospect it has helped me deal with it & see that most of that dissappointment is a reflection of the other persons ability to give, not a reflection of what I am worthly of getting. I felt like I was not worthy of being loved because of others' inability to give it to me, but as the clouds of the depression lifted I saw those who did truly love & support me & those who tried in their own way. Those people I will treasure always because they truly helped save me from myself.

I have been amazed at the selfishness & fear which many people carry around that prevents the most simple acts of kindness. But I have also encountered others whose caring and kindness is an inspiration to me. I try to cultivate my relationships with those people & keep my expetations of others to a minimum.

Anyway, I wish you all the best success in getting what you need.

-BB.


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#66716 - 06/22/03 02:16 PM Re: im so ticked
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
laura... you were right, she is wrong. Not going through the experience does NOT make you an expert on it. How would she know how to react? She is trying to relate it to her faith and her own experiences and I'm sorry. This is NOT the same as most experiences.

Quote:
I have been amazed at the selfishness & fear which many people carry around that prevents the most simple acts of kindness. But I have also encountered others whose caring and kindness is an inspiration to me.
SOOOOOoooo Right! Perfect direction if you ask me!


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#66717 - 06/23/03 12:02 PM Re: im so ticked
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Laura - my heart goes out to you both. I have had similar experiences as well. I too suffer from emotional illness (have had 3 episodes of severe clinical depression) and have had people turn on me or abandon me when I needed them most. I attribute a lot of my own depressive illness to the crap that I was dished when I was young... and the idiots and unsupportive "friends" that I managed to get involved with for another decade of my life. Amazing the things that three decades of anger-turned-inwards can do to your mental health.

RE: laypersons' opinions on mental illness - they are a dime a dozen aren't they? Everyone and their dog, cat, gerbil and budgie seem to have an opinion on what should work and what shouldnt work. I have heard everything..."just get over it"... "stop wallowing in it" to "get a grip".. and even had so called "loving and supportive" people walk out of my life in the most painful and horrible ways. People just don't understand that its an illness, each sufferer goes through completely different and unique triggers and symptoms, and each case must be managed uniquely. I too have been in situations (twice) where I was completely incapacitated by my illness and could not work. Luckily I was young enough and still able to rely on my family to get me through - and also lucky enough to be living in a country with public health care and able to access mental health facilities free of charge.

I truly think that for you to hang up on your mother in the middle of her abuse was a very brave and positive step. You were giving her a view of your boundaries, and definitely taking some of your personal power back from her. Very empowering. It took a long while for my BF (survivor of S.A.) and myself (survivor of other types of abuse) to say NO to those who continued to treat us like crap and say YES to those who demonstrate love, caring and support (and sometimes I still let my not-so-positive influences in my life to get under my skin). And it is especially hard when its a family member - because its not an easy decision to even think about ceasing a relationship with someone who has been so close to you for your whole life, someone who SHOULD be there to support you, but is simply, is not good for you to be around. I have totally been there.

Bravo for standing up to yourself. Nobody deserves that kind of shit! Chalk one up for the good guys. You go girl!


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#66718 - 06/23/03 05:19 PM Re: im so ticked
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
just thougt i would share what my dear mother e-mailed me today over what happened in our last call.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING
PROVERBS 3:5

WHEN YOU HAVE NOWHERE TO TURN, TURN TO ME.
WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE ON WHOM TO RELY, RELY ON ME.
PLEASE KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS TURN TO ME ; YOU CAN ALWAYS RELY ON ME.
I AM THE FOUNDATION FOR YOU FUTURE.
NO MATTER WHAT THAT FUTURE HOLDS,
I HOLD IT IN MY HANDS;
I HOLD YOU IN MY HANDS. (HANDS STILL NAIL-SCARRED BY LOVE)
PLEASE DON'T KEEP ME AT ARM'S LENGTH,
HIDDEN AWAY IN THE BOTTOM DRAWER OF YOUR HEART.
I WANT TO SHAR MY LIFE WITH YOU;
I WANT YOU TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH ME.

READ PSALM 18:1-3 JERMIAH 29:11-12 EPHESSIANS 3:16-21

Love you
Mom


gets to you doesnt it!!! :rolleyes:

laura

_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#66719 - 06/23/03 06:42 PM Re: im so ticked
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Dear Mom,

Quote:
LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING
Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#66720 - 06/25/03 12:30 PM Re: im so ticked
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Laura-animal,

I hope this means your mom knows she has done wrong, not just trying to influence you to the Lord. The Lord is super importanant in my veiw, but it takes time to trust completely.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#66721 - 06/26/03 11:21 AM Re: im so ticked
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
It also takes some time to find out which people who profess to trust in the Lord can be trusted too. I have seen much manipulation, cruelty and hate spewed forth by people speaking "in the name of the Lord"...


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#66722 - 06/26/03 09:18 PM Re: im so ticked
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I have to agree with PAS. Although my faith has gotten me through alot in my life, I do not believe that everyone who throws God at you necessarily has your best interests at heart.

There is alot of narrow-minded ignorance and hate out there, masquerading as religious "truth".

I also believe in the the advice... "Faith can move mountains -- but bring a shovel" \:D


Have you heard this story?....

There was a very faithful man who lived in a town by a river. He relied on God for everything in his life. One day there came rains so heavy that the floodwaters began to rise around his house. He stood on the front porch and prayed for God to save him. A sheriff's deputy arrived in a boat and told the man to climb in. "No thanks, The Lord will save me" replied the faithful man. The deputy looked puzzled, but motored off to the next house. The water continued to rise, and soon the man had to retreat to the 2nd story window. Soon a fire department rescue boat arrrived and tossed the man a line. "No thanks" the man said, "The Lord will save me." The fireman shrugged and pulled away. By this time the water was almost to the roof, and as the man was clinging to the chimney, a Coast Guard helicopter roared down and hovered over him. The man was calm and waved them off, exclaiming "The Lord will save me". Shortly afterward the rising water claimed the man and he drowned. He stood before the Lord in disbelief, and said "Lord! How could you do this to me?! I have always been faithful, and I have always relied on You. How could you abandon me in my hour of need?!"

The Lord looked down on the man with a frustrated expression and said "Good grief man, What more do you want?! I sent you TWO boats and a helicopter!!"

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#66723 - 06/27/03 12:50 AM Re: im so ticked
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
That is one of my favorite stories!

I cannot agree more with the comments regarding trust and religious viewpoints. Growing up, our protestant minister once gave a sermon where he talked about Christian values & faith & action. He made the point that he had known a buddist who was a better Christian in many ways than some Christians who believe themselves to be very devout and good people.

Telling someone else how they should do things without being asked is a form of criticism. Many people do it with the best of intentions -- I know MY family loves to throw in their two cents on what I am (or am not) doing with my life. I take it the best way I can & usually manage to interpret it as a way that they express their love and concern. I also am dealing with my insecurity and self-criticism in therapy -- maybe there is a connection?.... :p Anyway, you won't find inner peace and happiness because someone else is telling you how! (If only...) And you certainly won't get the money you need because someone else told you it isn't supposed to be difficult, or because someone else said you can. It is tough to find the resources that you need -- I worked in healthcare in a progressive part of the country before all the services were cut back to nothing & even then it was hard to connect people to the resources they needed. Now the situation is much harder. I don't mean to discourage you & I do think you will succeed if you persevere (we found a sliding fee clinic here because of costs & as it turned out the therapist is as good as my bf has ever had), but just acknowledge that it IS hard. (I hate the type of criticism "If he was really trying he'd have found a job by now" etc. BS if you ask me)

Hang in there.

-BB.


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#66724 - 06/27/03 07:43 AM Re: im so ticked
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
i just wanted to thank you all for your posts and advice. it means so much.

i sent my mother a return e-mail in responce, havent heard from her sence, didnt expect to.....and i doubt it did any good.

for now i am not going to have anything to do with her. i think it is in jokers and i's best intrest not to at this time. i know what she said hurt him and i deeply.

i do believe in he lord , and i know that i am not the best christian out there, but i also know the lord understands what i am (we) going threw and see's my (our) efforts. and that that is all that he asks of us .

Quote:
I know MY family loves to throw in their two cents on what I am (or am not) doing with my life. I take it the best way I can & usually manage to interpret it as a way that they express their love and concern.
my family is very good at giving there 2 cents worth even if they know nothing about it, or not even asked for it. they love to tell joker and i what we should do with our lives and wt they think of how we areliving it. and yes usualy we both take it as there own way of expressing there love and concern.

i find it ironic however that we have made these adaptations to there "views" of our lives, and that we try to understand this. when in reality they dont give us the same understanding or concern as expected from us. i guess it is this that makes it so agrivating to me that they wont take th time totry and understand what we are going threw.

i love my mom, i love all my family, as well as joker loves them too. it is just time that we put some distance between us and let them wonder for once what they did wrong. maybe,just maybe (but i dont expect it) it will give them some time to ponder things and realize what joker and i are going threw is not a joker and is very real.


Laura

_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#66725 - 06/27/03 07:50 AM Re: im so ticked
lauraanimal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 58
Loc: montana
i forgot to tell you, that before she sent me her e-mail i had sent her one with information on it on how family and friends can help those with bi-polar and sa survivors. in this it had a listof tings of what not to do that may trigger or make things worse for them. one of the things in this list was not to tell them to just snap out of it or get over it, or to tell them to have more faith. plus several other things she did anyway.

this is what i sent her in responce to her e-mail i posted earlier.


OK, seeing as you really didnít read the infromation I sent you lets swap Bible verces.

Ps. 113:9 "Be a joyful "mother" of children"

Isa 49:15 "Can a woman forget her sick child"

Prov. 29:23 "Honour shall uphold the humble in spirit"

Isa. 33:22 "The Lord is our judge"

Luke 6:37 "Judge not, that ye be not judged"

Luke 19:22 "Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee"

Rom. 2:1 "Wherein thou judge another thour condemnest thyself"

Deut 1:17 "Not respect persons in judgment, judgment is God's"

Now these are just a few. Jesus taught that the way to eternal life is through him. "Most" churches teach (and if yours doesnít I would worry about the God your preacher is following) that once we have accepted Christ into our lives and are bapitized we will live (or as close to it as man can) a "Christ like life". Now I ask you this, would Christ turn his back on his children? Would Christ judge and belittle? Would Christ show hate? or would he show love, compation, and understanding. God said if you lack understanding ask and you will have it. Have you prayed to understand the illness we have? or Have you only prayed that our lives start to go the way you think they should? Let me give you an example here: Which have you prayed at night when you say your prayer? "Dear God, Please let Laura and J find your love and let them get a job...etc, etc,etc" or have you prayed "Dear God, Please help me understand the pain that Laura and J are facing. Please help me see how I can help them in love and compation and understanding. Please help me hold my tounge in things I donít understand....etc, etc,etc" Now I wonder which one God would rather see a mother pray for her children? Now your so quick to point out how I donít have enough faith in God and if I would just put it in Gods hands all would be fine. Well mom let me ask you this. Have you also preached to the other children about there sins? How about your two other daughters having children out of wedlock(I'm not going to use the biblical terms here). Do you allow the "law of the land" to be broken in your home? God tells us to NOT have sex before marrage, doesnít he mom? God tells us to follow the laws of the land, doesnít He mom? Are you on your gospial high horse with the others or is it just me? You donít have to answer I already know. Now I know as you read this your thinking "Yup, if I would have sent them the money non of this would be an issue" well mom your wrong, this isnt about money. This is about you judging us for what "you" think we should do . The sistuation about the money or asking you to help with the kids was just what the phone call started out to be, it ended up a bashing sesion on how "we " should live our lives in "your" eyes. I seem to remember a time when you was hurting and crying because of the loss of a loved one and I tried to comfort you. I made the mistake of saying I understand how you feel, you quickly pointed out no I didnít I wasnít in your shoes to even try to understand how it felt lossing you mom. your right I donít know what it is like to loose my mom, but it goes the same with you in this situation mom, you donít understand what it is like to go threw what I and j are, so donít judge us on something you dont understand yourself. So mom do me this favor (I know you donít owe me anything and trust me you have made it perfectly clear on that part), when you pray at night for us. Donít pray for us to find a job, donít pray for us to have more understanding of God, donít pray for us to live our lives the way you think we should. If you feel you have to pray for us, then pray for our pain to be eased, pray for us to have wisdom, pray for us to have strength, pray for us to know God loves us. Thatís all the prayer we need mom. So just do me this favor before you start quoting>
_________________________
always be true to your self and your heart.
dont forget to love yourself 1st, then the restwill fall into place.

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#66726 - 06/27/03 08:04 AM Re: im so ticked
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Laura,

Thank you for sharing that. I learned a lot about prayer when I read it.

With my prayers for you & James,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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