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#66698 - 10/31/06 03:44 PM Why do I feel paralyzed?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Well, my husband is back in town. I am wanting to talk again, but just feel paralyzed. I just am so afraid to "bring it up again" even though I am wanting to tell him how I'm so sorry I didn't "get it" when he disclosed yrs ago and now I do after reading a real survivor's story and how I hurt for him, etc.

Also just feel paralyzed because how can this move forward to therapy one day with me not being able to bring it up again.

Also feeling so much worry ... I looked up the symptoms of HIV and some of the signs match the stomach troubles/ cough he's had for a long time now and of course I'm worrying myself sick over this also, but again, am afraid to bring it up.

I have no idea now to even begin to say what I want to say. It's as if I'm the abused one that wants so much to "tell" what happened but cannot. It's like a bad dream.

I'm so scared to bring it up I think because it is heavy/difficult to talk about, and I don't want to PUSH. I feel so worried that things will just go along like this and I'll never be able to say anything and he'll think he doesn't need therapy after all, etc. I feel all of a sudden we're a hundred yrs from him ever agreeing to therapy, because I cannot even talk about anything and I don't know why.

Paralyzed.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66699 - 10/31/06 10:09 PM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Brokenhearted,

I can see you are worried sick about your husband and your life together. I feel much empathy for what you must be going through right now.


''I'm so scared to bring it up I think because it is heavy/difficult to talk about, and I don't want to PUSH. I feel so worried that things will just go along like this and I'll never be able to say anything and he'll think he doesn't need therapy after all, etc. I feel all of a sudden we're a hundred yrs from him ever agreeing to therapy, because I cannot even talk about anything and I don't know why.''


It is clear from what you write here, just how unbearable the situation is becoming for you. Do you know how long you could wait for him to go and see someone? What would you do/say if that length of time passes? Have you felt scared/intimidated in situations previously when you have brought up things you want to talk about?

I totally relate to feeling paralyzed, although that comes from a time before the csa was out in the open. It is a very suffocating feeling, that must be very uncomfortable for you too at the moment.

YOUR feelings really do count in all of this BH.
I know you don't want to push your husband and that is the general advice given by many. I understand you are sensitive to the fact of him 'owning' his recovery and therefore feeling empowered and ready to do it. Do you think that also, if he makes the decision entirely in his own time, it would prove to you that he had chosen you/your life together? It makes perfect sense if you do feel that way. But, what if your husband is in too much of a mess/confused to actually look after himself/you/your lives together, to the degree where he can't presently choose the best thing(therapy) for himself/everyone? There are other women(myself included), who have, in the end, gone against the grain and insisted on that choice. My mother pushed me into therapy. I pushed my bf into therapy(it was either that, or we were finished). And all round, so far I believe it was the best thing for everyone. My mother was looking after me, and I was looking after my family/life. Do you think there is the possibility that your husband might actually NEED someone to look after him in this way? Just initially.

I hope I havn't said anything out of line here.

Be kind to yourself,

peace
Beccy


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#66700 - 10/31/06 10:47 PM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
B,

Thanks for reminding me that he is probably not in a position to choose the best thing (therapy) for himself right now.

It may well come to me having to push, eventually. Before he went out of town we had had talks almost weekly and lots of emotion, so maybe we're just out of the swing of things since he took a long, tiring trip. Maybe we just need time to ease back into it.

I had already given him the letter a while back that stated in so many words that either he get help or we can't stay together as a family. So at least he knows that is the bottom line.

I do feel we're moving - it's just so darn slow and I feel I need time to feel at ease talking to him again like I was doing before he left town. But I have to admit, he's been giving me a hug here and there, really long ones, where we don't say anything, just hold each other. I have no idea what he's thinking but I do see it as a positive rather than negative thing.

And I have yet to share my raw emotions with him, that I shared w/ my counselor, having to do w/ me being affected by reading a true survivor's story that put flesh and blood on what my husband actually experienced. My counselor said I may actually be ready for some antidepressants myself, if I keep going downhill, because I do feel almost as though I'm being traumatized along w/ him by seeing it from his point of view. She also said that this may be a big thing that can enable my husband to finally connect w/ me. So, I've got some of these things to go through yet before I see if I still need to push or not.

I think it's just a down day for me. Thanks for reminding me, though, about how maybe he can't even choose the best thing for himself right now - that is an excellent observation. Maybe this is just what they call "tough love."

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66701 - 11/01/06 12:03 AM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Your letter ought to give him a good idea of where things stand, and yes, you are right in realizing that therapy won't happen until he makes the decision to commit to it and do the work.

But at the same time I don't think that means that your voice should not be heard concerning these matters. You are part of all this as well; it does affect you. I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities where you can raise the subject and express your support and concerns, and sometimes survivors do need this kind of nudging and prodding to the brink of taking the big steps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#66702 - 11/02/06 10:51 PM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I almost thought of saying to him that my counselor thinks I might need antidepressants because of how the effects of his csa are bringing me down, but then maybe that's accusatory and I don't mean it to sound that way, only that I sort of wish he could know that it IS affecting me in a big way. (What do you all think?) I have never taken antidepressants and would prefer to remain free of being dependent upon drugs, but we'll see, because if I have a whole lot of down days in a row it might merit more consideration.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66703 - 11/03/06 02:41 AM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
BH, In my opinion, I think telling your husband that your depressed at times and most certainly stressed because of your marital situation would be the absolute truth and OK to discuss with him. It would also be OK to tell him that you and your dr. are discussing the idea of medication to help you get through so that you are able to deal better with the day to day operation of your family and living your life. That's simply the truth.

Medication can be a wonderful tool. I was on Xanex several years ago because my life at that time was in a constant state of panic. My sister was living with me and she had some very real physical problems as well as psychological ones and was leaning on me for her very life. My mother had recently passed away, I was raising a 6 year old child on my own, working full time, making little money, yet supporting 3 people. To say that I was under a lot of stress at the time is an understatement. The medication really took the edge off. As I got more control over my emotions, because the meds actually allowed me to think rather than freak, I was able to accept the situations I was faced with and deal with them. I was only on the meds for a few months and then stopped because I didnít need them (you can do that with Xanex).

Open and honest discussion is what you crave, without finger pointing, so you need to lead by example. I assume he already knows that you're reaching out for help through a therapist so I don't think it would be a big leap to tell him that you and your T think that meds might be a good idea as they may help to make you even more receptive to your therapy and therefore, make your ability to be more of a whole, healthy person that much easier.

I think it would be a huge error in judgment if you were to tell your husband that it's the effects of the csa he suffered that is forcing you to take drugs. Even if he acknowledged to you that his problems are caused by csa, it would be horrible. It would come out as accusatory and serve only to make him feel horrible and worthless and would only prove to him that you would be better off without him. I know you don't believe that so please, be very careful about what you say to him. The truth is that any decisions you make about YOUR therapy or YOUR need to take medication is about YOU, not him. Thatís the way it should be and thatís the way I think it should be explained to him.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#66704 - 11/03/06 03:00 AM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Trish, thanks for your objective point of view. I need it. I certainly don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. I agree that would be a terrible thing to do. I've just never been in such a terrible place in my life and the heartache is so great that I want him to know somewhat how I'm feeling. Maybe I should consider medication. Both my parents are ill and there's no way I could handle either of their deaths right now. I am sure I would need something if that happens while I'm dealing with this stuff. I continue to tell my husband I love him and he lets me hug him occasionally, but he still does not say it back to me. Hurts.

You said "...the meds actually allowed me to think rather than freak" -- that actually sounds nice!

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66705 - 11/03/06 03:58 AM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
BH,

It's OK to tell him how you're feeling. You just have to be careful that what you say isn't preceived as blaming. You don't blame him, I know that - you know that - but he probably doesn't. Focus on the problems that exist today, not anything that may have happened to him in the past. If he opens that up, OK, but you don't need to. Any decision you make about meds is FOR you, not because of him.

As for the I Love you, I only get that very, very rarely. My b/f has told me he doesn't feel what those words mean. He knows what they are supposed to mean, but every time he heard them in the past, it was a viscious lie so he's terrified. I do say it to him, not as often as I'd like because I know what it does to him, but I do feel what those words mean. He knows that so he allows me my little indulgences. ;\)

I'm sorry about your parents BH. I lost my Mom to cancer so I know how hard it is. I'll be thinking of you.

Any yes, thinking rather than freaking is very nice. \:D

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#66706 - 11/11/06 07:29 AM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Hello ... this will probably get me kicked out on only my second day here ... so I apologize in advance if I'm overstepping ... but ... are meds the answer in any but the most severe instance? It seems that a lot of the problems discussed here are caused by avoiding painful feelings ... and that going ahead and feeling those feelings and then working through them is what true healing is ...

Trish, I'm so happy you were helped by Xanax and certainly would never second guess your decision, but you were also very, very lucky as well. Xanax should never be taken for more than 14 days because of the very high (60-80%) rate of physical dependency. Even the manufacturer says no longer than 14 days because of the high risk. Many thousands of unsuspecting people have experienced long and very painful withdrawal syndromes after using Xanax and any other med in the benzodiazepine group.

We don't know how antidepressants work in the brain, some research even goes so far as to speculate that clinical depression is a sleep disorder and ADs work solely through their tendency to cause somnolence, thus helping the sleep disorder which then lifts the depression. This would explain the 4-8 weeks it can an AD to begin working.

BH, you're very brave and very supportive of your husband. You - yes YOU - are going through a terribly difficult time right now, too. I don't think that you are feeling down because you are suffering from a deficiency of antidepressants. It's not a biochemical problem, it's things that are happening in your life. It's perfectly normal for you to feel the way you do and there's no pill that you can take that will make your husband easier to live with.

You seem so very compassionate towards your husband ... which is truly wonderful. Are you that compassionate to yourself, though? Have you realized that whether or not he says, "I love you," or even whether or not he loves you, that you are still worthy and deserving of love? That your concerns and feelings matter just as much as his? Yes, he needs your love, help, understanding and support ... and maybe you will have to give a little more than your fair share for a little while, but you still need to take care of yourself. You need to be healthy for yourself and your child as well as your husband. Are you exercising, eating well, taking time to yourself, doing things you enjoy, being happy in something outside of your husband?

I so feel for you, BH ... and everyone on here and their partners. It's feels very unfair sometimes that an abuser has caused so much pain for all of us.

Hugs,
Selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#66707 - 11/11/06 02:57 PM Re: Why do I feel paralyzed?
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Selene, getting kicked off the boards because you expressed your opinion on meds - now that would be extreme and won't happen ;\) so don't worry about that.

I agree with you that meds are not a first option, but I don't think they shouldn't really be a last one either. One of the guys here told me that medication helped him to be more receptive to his therapy. Actually, here is the exact response:

Quote:
Trish, medicating is an individual choice; from what I've read it works for some but not for others. I can repeat my T's words that got me thinking in the direction of anti-depressants "Some clients find it makes them more emotionally available to do the work of therapy." In my case, this has been very true -- it isn't that I am not still sad, depressed, angry, happy, glad, loving, raging, etc. by turns and depending on circumstances, but I can say that where these used to be overwhelming emotions, they are now ones I can begin to experience. As a matter of fact, one of the first emotional experiences that 'returned' to me after starting an anti-depressant was just plain ol' love. I hadn't felt that warm tender glow for so long; yet I hadn't known that I was missing it. It was quite a pleasant, reassuring surprise to suddenly find it in there again....but this is just my experience.
As John says, taking medication is an extremely individual choice to be made with a doctor with all of the information available. They are not a long term solution, actually, not a solution at all, but a tool that may help in the healing process.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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