Welcome to our little corner of the web. Let me tell you as a survivor I can say that having the support of a loved one is probley the most important thing we can wish for, even if we dont understand it at the time.
He is always telling me things that are so obvious, but then just shrugs it off like "hmm..I don't know why I do/don't like/or act like that."
Your friend may not be lieing about this. He really may not know why. Some of the guys here talk about how they never remembered there SA for years and years, however they still had all the crap that goes with it. Thats one of the things that's so bad about being a survivor. Even if you dont remember what happened to you, you still act like you do.
It's like he's holding up these huge signs that say "I have been SA." But he can't read them because he's on the other side.
Let me tell you. I have always remembered what happened to me. If it was me holding that sign up, I'm not reading because I'm on the other side. Im not reading it out of choice.
Jen I think you answered yourself on this question, it's really all you can do.
So far I've just been patient, not mentioned my thoughts on the subject (no way can I force this issue; I'm not qualified to handle whatever fallout occurs when he realizes it), and tried to be supportive and make him feel safe with me. And wait, and wait and wait.
See you answered your own question here. I think it's very insiteful of to see your not qualified to handle whaterer fallout occurs when he realizes it. All you can do it be patient, be supportive,help him feel safe, and wait.
And yes I do get the brunt of his anger, irrationality, etc. on occasion. And he is good at shutting me out.
I think you will find that most of the people who support us will understand just what you said here. My wife gets the bulnt of my anger and shutting her out? Please dont her going on that. Right now thats one of the things I am fighting for, not shutting her out. Once my wife reads that line she's going to ask if your friend is me, because it sounds just like me.
But what is most likely to happen and what can I do if I'm still in his life when this occurs and if he trusts me enough to tell me?
Jen, like I said I always remembered what happened to me, once I finily told my wife I reacted in this manner: I shook, I cried, I got sick, I had flashback's, I couldnt stand to be touched or even told "I love you", I went totaly numb but at the same time felt like a zillion neddel's were poking me all over my body, for the week after I told her I couldnt get clean enough, I would shower 6 times a day, scrub my body till it hurt, I would brush my teeth till they bleed trying to get the taste out of my mouth, I thought "What the fuck were you thinking? You should have kept your mouth shut, living in denial was better than this.". After a little while of living like that, my wife asked me the one question I needed the most, "Honey do you want to hurt yourself?". I answered her "YES!", I know deeep down I didnt want to die I wanted the pain to stop. So I went to the hospital for 2 weeks. New med's, new coping skill, and new hope. I started talking about my feeling here, and in the chat room. When I first started going to the chat Lightfang was there and he talked with me. He was very understanding of my anger, hurt, and confussion. He gave me some number's to call to try to find a "t", and I did. Because of that I found the only "t" I've ever felt like I could trust. So I guess to answer your question about all you can do is wait and hope.
Now Jen, let me tell you. The SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE TO REMEMBER IS: Take care of Jen first. You are a person and deserve to be treated as such. You can not recover for him, you can support him. But DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT let anyone, not one single person in your life, ever abuse you in any form or fation, mental, phycial, emotional, any way Jen. You say you take the blunt of his anger, that can be very hurtful to you. Make sure you set boundry's in your relationship with him, and do not let him cross them. It's your God give right to have then and not have anyone cross them. He's going to people who were abused as children have no idea what they are. You have to be strong, and let him know in a loving and kind way the he crossed one/two/three hundred. Explain to him how you feel about him but you can not let him do this to you. Jen it isnt going to be an easy road for you or him, he needs a place he can feel safe and your a very nice person to try to give that to him, just dont do it at your expence. Please take care of you first, after all if he "break's" you how can you support him?
Jen peace be in your life, and understanding in dealing with your friend.