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#66657 - 06/10/03 12:42 AM best response to anger over small issues?
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Any thoughts on this? Just got off the phone with my bf (ex?). I had phoned him & his phone disconnected. Sometimes it does that when it is out of batteries, so I waited a couple minutes & called again. Same thing. He has been known to reject calls that way when he is shutting me (or the world) out, so I called his cell phone & just left a message saying that I had called & didn't know if the phone was out or if he was taking a sabbatical, but that I hoped he was doing well & I'd catch him another time.

Well, a little while later he telephoned back & was angry. Said he had been on his cell long distance & that I kept calling over and over & that I should not harrass him that way. I told him what I explained above. He backed off & realized that if that was true then the third call he'd answered by saying "quit f***ing calling me!" and hung up, was probably somebody else!!! Then he started to say that it was my fault because of my tendency to keep calling repeatedly when I shouldn't.

My response was to let him know that I had only called the two times I did & that I didn't get any response at all, so it wasn't me on the third call. He said he wasn't sure he could believe me, but I didn't want to argue so we left it at that & I tried to just be light & good-natured about it & laugh it off.

Don't know if there IS a 'healthy' way to handle this? Obviously, I will not call him for a while, I also don't want to end up being petty about it and overreact...but he said that if I call & let it ring more than 5 times & he picks it up then he won't talk to me as a 'punishment' for poor phone ettiquite. (Also, given what he THOUGHT he was saying to me it is too disrespectful for me to be comfortable about)

I don't really feel hurt about it, just baffled by the level of insanity. Is there a good way to respond when someone is really acting off their rocker? Is humor (what I tried -- seemed to break the tension) the best, or is there a better way? At the end of our call he tried to imply that it all must be my fault because of my tendency to call too much, that he didn't think he could believe me that it wasn't me on the third call, and I just shrugged it off & laughed & said, no, it wasn't me I'll talk with you later. Should I stand up for myself and tell him he shouldn't act this way? It just seems blatently obvious to me that he is being irrational, why get into the argument over a phone call I didn't even make?

Or should I read MORE into this. Is this his way of saying that he doesn't want to speak with me but he is afraid of the conversation that would bring up? I really can't tell at this point. Maybe he just was annoyed by the phone -- he has expressed his annoyance about people calling and letting it ring repeatedly when I was at his house & he knew it wasn't me. I told him I was taught as a child that 10 rings was the norm (back in the dark ages when people had only one telephone in the house with a dial & a cord attached to the wall) We agreed that now that people have phones in practically every room that it is probably only necessary to let it ring a few times. So we have talked about his phone attitudes recently & I know he feels this way about it, so maybe that is all it is about? But why all the excessive anger over it? And who was it who DID get yelled at?
-BB.


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#66658 - 06/10/03 09:28 AM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi:

Boy did you hi a spot within me.
I have been married for 36 years almost and have a lot of anger inside me. Who gets hit the most with it? My wife and daughter. Not as much anymore because I am working really hard on it.

We always use the route of lest resistance. Attacking those who care for us.

Do you have to sit and take it. No you dont but when my wife in the past has been confrontational about this issue it used to set me off even more.

She now sends me an email. There is no possibilty of anything escalating. And she always closes with love. I now do the same thing thing or write her a note.
Quote:
Or should I read MORE into this. Is this his way of saying that he doesn't want to speak with me but he is afraid of the conversation that would bring up?
What can I say. Yes and no? So that is really not an answer.

You might try a note or email to him just letting him know that you think and worry about him. Not checking up on him just trying to help in the only way you know how.

Hope this helps.

Mike the Wolf

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#66659 - 06/10/03 10:37 AM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Mike,

Than is an interesting statement regarding what sounds like the path of least resistance for letting out anger.

Question: is there a good way to find out what that was all about later on?

stpbb,

It seems the response would largely depend on the type of person this man is and what he can handle. I still amazes me that CSAs do not seem to be able to come out and say what is really going on. I have been in this guessing game for a while.

I have learned to focus on my life and I am getting better at it. It helps put things in perspective and set boundaries.

Peace,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66660 - 06/10/03 12:09 PM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Freedom: Me too. That was then this is now. Hardly happens. I stop it before it gets out.

I just have had trouble with authority and control all my life; real or perceived.

But I know who I am and that is who I want to be. I would be totally lost without my wife and daughter and that is a fact.

aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooo

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#66661 - 06/10/03 12:56 PM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Freedom,

Quote:
I still amazes me that CSAs do not seem to be able to come out and say what is really going on.
It amazes at least one of us here in MD, too. It's more a problem of not really knowing what's going on.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#66662 - 06/10/03 02:38 PM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Mike, Joe,

Thank you. I have been in an asking, or wondering kind of mood lately. \:\)

Peace,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66663 - 06/10/03 02:39 PM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Mike, Joe,

Thank you. I have been in an asking, or wondering kind of mood lately. \:\)

Peace,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66664 - 06/10/03 05:28 PM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I still amazes me that CSAs do not seem to be able to come out and say what is really going on. I have been in this guessing game for a while.
Yeah, and while we're guessing everyone else gets all the shite we dish out.

Sometimes my wife had to be downright blunt with me, she still does bless her, "quit making me f****g guess all the time !" is an oft' heard phrase in the Lloyd houshold :rolleyes:

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66665 - 06/11/03 09:57 AM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy,

I have to concur. Bluntness has worked for me as well. \:\) Any ideas why it works?

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66666 - 06/12/03 12:59 AM Re: best response to anger over small issues?
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Thanks for the insight everyone. I think that is exactly right -- anger coming out in the easiest way. That also explains to me better the absurdity that I saw in what he was mad about -- since most likely it wasn't the issue at all, but just a convenient choice for directing his emotion without getting into any heavy issues.

He did call the next day to let me know he wasn't really mad at me, though he doesn't seem aware of the way his emotions and reactions to me relate to the other issues in his life. I will let that be his project & work on keeping my own focus on my own issues.

-BB.


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