Greetings from New Zealand
This website is amazing, I wish I had known about it a long time ago due to the number of male friends whom I know are survivors of SA. I am a female survivor and am still working through lots of things but glad to be on the road to recovery.
Ok, I need some advice and would really appreciate any feedback anyone can give me.
I am not one for fleeting relationships, or instant attractions, due to my past I guess, but earlier this year I met a guy who just straight away we both fell something for each other. I am in my early 30's and he is 45. Within a couple of weeks of just being friends I had already sensed that he had at some stage in his life being abused. Just little things that I have seen in other guys I know but also I have researched the subject alot. Anyways, we ended up in a relationship which was a biggie for me because I hadnt had any kind of relationship with a guy for over seven years.
We had been together about three weeks when one night he just started crying, but he wouldnt call it that, he said his eyes were leaking, and i asked him what was wrong, and he said he just loved me so much and he never knew he could feel like that. I was very touched, a short time later we were talking and he told me that when he was 10 a Scout Leader used to give him money to perform sex acts on him. I didnt ask too many questions because i was very aware that i was the first person he had ever told this too since it happened 35 years ago, so i'm not sure whether my friend performed the sex acts, or the scout leader performed them on my friend. Either way it was abusive. I know it went on for a while, but dont know if it was months or years.
He is in complete denial about it having had any affect on his life. He has never sustained a relationship beyond 2 years and when he did marry it was to a woman who was pregnant by him but whom he had only intended to have a summer fling with , three kids and 10 years later they separated after a very loveless miserable 10 years together. there are so many dynamics to this i cant even begin to share them all.
We had an amazing connection, but i noticed after he told me about the abuse the odd litte change in him. One thing he loved about me was how knowing I was about things, and we discussed at length different aspects of his life, and ways they had affected him, but when ever he got uncomfortable he would just completely change the subject. He acknowledged that he was emotionally neglected in his marriage and that he was affected by it (i saw a lot of bitterness and anger in him, he denied both of these things)
Things were so amazing between us, we had moments here and there, because for me the whole intimacy thing after all i had been through was hard, but the connection was so strong that it was beautiful you know. He often made comments like, I've always wanted a homemaker, we are both really old fashioned, as in woman stays at home and homemakes, man goes out to work to provide. He said that his house felt like a home for the first time since he moved in. Then when i came back to where i have been staying, about an hour away from him within 24 hours he was totally pulling away from me, saying he thought he was too busy to have a relationship right now, his business is really successful and he doesnt want to do anything to disrupt it....etc etc and that he needed space. I was dumbfounded because it was the opposite of what he had been saying 24 hours earlier. He said he loved me.
Two days later we spoke again and he had been drinking (he drinks alot) and he was like a different person, very arrogant, conceited and not very likeable. Really bigging himself up, putting me down, saying things like, all my friends are good looking, i was class captain at school, i never had to go looking for friends they just flocked around me...you get the idea and i wondered who the heck i was talking too.
I had written him a letter which he only mentioned in passing because i had confronted him about a couple of things that he just wouldnt talk about. He said we did have something special and he didnt want to end just needed some space etc etc. I was freaking even more because when i first met him he was seeing a women (who he wasnt attracted to and didnt want to be with! but was sleeping with her) and this was all the stuff i had heard him say to her when he wanted to be rid of her to be with me. (i wouldnt start anything with him till he finished with her)so i challened him on it, and he said how dare i compare what he had with her, which was nothing, to what we had.
Anyway by that weekend i had sent him a letter saying it was best if we parted, he was uncontactable by phone etc. When i phoned him on the monday to get closure he hadnt even gotten the letter so was a bit taken aback by what i was saying, he said he really believed he wanted a relationship in his heart, didnt say with me just that he wanted a relationship. And that he needed time to think about it and he would get back to me. Well having seen how he operated with people in the two months i knew him, i realised that he would never get back to me. A few days later i was in his area visiting my grandparents and i went and saw him and said i felt it was best to end it face to face, he looked upset but had a huge wall around him, I said you have to stop pushing happiness away when it arrives and he looked like he was going to cry and said i know. He gave me the biggest hug and i thought he would never let me go. It was so hard for me cos i love him with all my heart.
Anyway, we said goodbye, he said to drop by anytime, and i drove off. I contacted him a couple of times, he was a bit cold, didnt want to talk, wouldnt discuss anything to do with us, and because i had gotten so close to his daughters we organised for me to come and spend the day with them. the day arrives and he phones and says he is out of town for most of the day. I finally caught up with them late in the day for half an hour and it was really strange. Usually they are all over me, by this stage we had been broken up one month and he had only just told them that week. (he told other people i had a full time job!) He was really guarded and speaking to me like i was a complete stranger which kind of hurt, i asked if i could stay but he was like, no i have a houseful of people arriving in an hour, so i just left and thats it.
I feel like i never mattered in his life at all, and he even intimated that he had had an eight week gap in his schedule so he thought he would have a bit of fun with me.
I know alot of his behaviour is normal for someone who has been through what he has (recognise all the patterns from myself!!) but he denies emphatically that it has affected him in any way. He is a real BLOKE, fishing, rugby, he's a builder, but also seemingly in touch with his feminine side (but i found that it was only a bit of an act)From what i can gather he has been lying to people about me as well, a couple of years ago a woman stalked him and i am worried he is telling people i am. Which is definately not true.
I know i cant help him, only he can face it, but how do i get over this guy when i am pretty convinced that what we had was for real. Is it likely he will come back at some stage or just completely wipe me from his mind and life, because of what he told me.
If you have read this far....well done and thank you. There is no one i know who understands this side of things and i just need some different perspecitves. Thank you so much for listening, and reading.