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#66610 - 10/28/06 11:07 PM New here, new to this, Need Help!
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
Hi there, (THIS WILL BE LONG)

I have been reading the posts on this site on and off for about 3 months now. I could really use some guidance so let me try to explain without being too wordy.

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 yrs. We live together. He is 35 and I am 33.

Our relationship has been wrought w/problems from the beginning but somehow we managed to stick it through. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. After 4 months of dating with him carrying on a long-distance thing with someone else (that I knew about) he finally said he would end it but also took a job 6 hours away from where I lived. Thus began our long-distance part of our relationship. He flew to visit the other girl, telling me it was to break up with her face to face, but he admitted that they did have sex. We saw each other every 2 weeks for 6 months, with both of us flying/driving equally. When his job ended he was very hesitant to move back and kept insisting he only would if I lived with him, but I wasn't ready. He repeatedly would say he wasn't ready either really, but he didn't want to do it any other way. Also, all this time, up to today, he has insisted on telling me that he isn't 'sure of us' or sure about if he 'wants to spend his life with me." This too has been the cause of much heartache for me.

He came to spend 3 weeks w/me before we made the final decision. It was great but also hellish and he was extremely argumentative. Our sex life, which was initially full of passion and incredible, had become a pattern of him rejecting me most of the time. While he was always very affectionate, and we did still have sex, 9 out of 10 times he would refuse my advances, usually telling me that he, "Just wasn't as sexual a person as me." He also made comments about "That's all women want." and things like calling me a whore but in a way he considered joking. After trying to talk to him many times about why he rejected me so often, one day I was really fed up and started pleading with him to tell me what the problem was, why, why did he push me away so much?

We were both agitated and I was pissed and all of a sudden he shouted, "I was molested by my sister!" I could have just died from the shock. That was 10 months in. We talked and he told me some of the details but not many. He told me that he hadn't told any other gf since one he'd been w/about 10 yrs earlier. My mind started clicking and suddenly everything made sense to me, but yet I knew this could be a lifetime of these issues. I felt so relieved though and thought this was the beginning of things getting better.

I had NO idea.

He ended up moving in with me even though he insisted he still wasn't sure of us, which he would bring up on a weekly basis it seemed. Maybe I seem stupid for moving in together too, and his need to constantly remind me that he wasn't sure hurt like hell, but I love him tremendously and I guess I just hoped it would work out. During the 7 months that we have lived together things have been on and off fantastic to horrible.

He is the love of my life (I think) and when we are 'good' it is the greatest love of all time. But when we are bad.....he is irritable, argumentative, distant. I talked to him so many times wondering why I always felt this barrier between us, like he just couldn't let his guard down all the way. He always denied it was true. He also had quickly back tracked after his disclosure to tell me that I was 'obsessed with what happened to him, and he was sure that had nothing to do with our sexual issues." He insisted he just didn't have the same sex drive as me.

Things started going really downhill. He started working and would work 14 hour days. He'd come home and sit on the computer all night. Then when his project was over, he would get on the computer from dusk 'til dawn. It became really bad to the point where I would tell him he was going to burn his eye balls out.

He is from oversees and all this time we had talked about going to visit his family together. He flew with me and met my family months prior (they live across the country). But I lost my job and didn't have the money. He finally decided that he would go without me, for a month, on a trip to Europe and to see his family. Things continued to be really rocky and we were on the verge of breaking up almost the whole time it felt. He became depressed lately and I finally told him that I'm ready for something more and I want a partner that wants to be happy. There were many times throughout this that I found something suspicious and would confront him, and always accused me of being overly jealous which I'm not. I would see emails from girls that I didn't know in his inbox, he'd get calls from girls I didn't know too. But nothing solid.

Finally, 2 days before his month long trip, with things in a state of complete uncertainty, I finally discovered the truth. He went out for a bit and asked me to fix something on his computer. Of course, (sadly) I took my chance to really find out the truth.

I finally discovered from reading his emails that he has had sex with at least 3 other woman during our LD time. Plus there were a couple woman locally he was trying to get together with. And lastly that he was planning to have sex with one of these same women when he got to Europe.

This was devastating.

When he came home I confronted him with all of this. I left all the emails that I had open on his computer.

At 1st he was angry and didnít want to talk to me. But quickly he started talking and he was very relieved that I knew. He told me so many things about his obsession with porn, and of having sex with woman that he didnít care about. We talked and cried for hours.

He told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I took him to the airport the next day where we held each other tightly and expressed our love for each other, but also admitted neither knew what would happen during this month.

He has been gone for 4 days now. He sent me an email and told me that he spent an entire day with 2 different woman, both of whom heís had sex with before, and was originally planning to again. He said that he did NOT have sex with them and actually told them about his sexual issues. (I donít know exactly what he said). He said that one of them reacted very coldly and insisted it was ok to have sex anyway, which disgusted him and he was he very proud of himself that he didnít.

He is also going to see his family in a couple days after 2 years. Including his sister, who he stills speaks to regularly. I have told him that despite all the pain I feel, I still love him more than anything and I am willing to face whatever together.

Now I am here for a month on my own and dealing with all this. I felt it was good for us to have the time apart, and I think its good that he is confronting these issues, but I am so afraid and unsure. It might not sound like it but we have something really amazing (I think) but yet I donít really know what he is doing out there on his own. I feel that I would do anything that I needed to to work through this with him, but I can not be certain he wants too. In is email he said that he doesnít know what will happen when he gets back but he does love me. And I am trying to extend my support and love to him from 5,000 miles away in email.

I am so confused and I feel like walking away would be a huge mistake that I couldnít live with because I do love this man with all my heart and even though what happened is horrible, I feel I can understand why.

I am sorry this is soo long but I really donít know where to turn. I think therapy for both of us would be great, but I wonít be in a position to go for a couple more months.

Iím just lost between thinking I should run away and thinking I want to be here for him to continue loving him and have the patience to work through it all.

Ok, I think thatís enough rambling for one postÖÖ

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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#66611 - 10/28/06 11:10 PM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
One thing I forgot to add was that he told me right before we moved in together that living with me brought back many feelings of living with his sister, which caused alot of his anxiety and rejection of me.

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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#66612 - 10/28/06 11:46 PM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
K,

The only thing I can say is that I have found it is useless for me to assess things as they are this minute, because as you can see from your psot, things change, they get better, they get worse, they get better again, etc.

I think therapy would definitely be a help and even then you couldn't really assess the relationship until it's well underway and probably not for a kind of long time. Things will continue even after that, from what I've read, to get better, possibly fall back, get better, etc.

Only you can say how long you're willing to wait. Because it will be a long wait whether you can stick it out with him, or not.

I'm glad he was relieved to tell you of his problems he's having, and as my counselor said, he's doing the best with what he has. It's a very real struggle for him. You sound like a very compassionate person and very possibly you all can survive this long period of uncertainty. It is scary for him also, I am sure.

I don't have a lot of advice or help, but I do understand your anxiety. Things have to be worked through with a good therapist if possible, so don't give up yet and try to see it as the long journey that it will be.

Hugs,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66613 - 10/29/06 04:18 AM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear K,

I am so sorry to read of your struggle. So much of it is painfully reminiscent, even to the point of how wonderful things can be, and how awful they might be a minute later. Makes it so much harder to give up...and so much harder to be confident that things will get--and stay--better.
Brokenhearted is right, though. It's not likely to be a short and easy "fix." But you are the only one who can decide what is too much for you to handle.
If you have been reading for a while, then you will have gotten a sense of how difficult it can be. There are no guarantees. It is important to know that the choice about continuing is always up to you, too. You will always have the option of deciding you can't cope. And the option of setting limits: what is more than you can tolerate? You don't forfeit your right to ask to be treated as you would like to be treated, no matter how much you care for him (or him for you).
If I might put in my vote--yes, definitely, for therapy, whatever it takes. It is so painful to go through all of this in any case, virtually impossible without trained support. If he wants to get through this, he can, and he will probably feel better for it. Again, that's ultimately his choice, not yours, no matter how much you might each love one another. We do these things for ourselves, regardless of what other claims we make.
I have found (and you'd see this in my other posts) that it is essential for me to do my very best to maintain my equilibrium, no matter what tumult is upsetting him. It does neither one of us any good for his distress to affect me, though it's not easy to stay that separate sometimes. I've gone back to therapy myself because it was just too hard for me not to get sucked in.
Communication, always, is also essential.
Good luck to you. I hope that you will find the support you need, here and elsewhere.
Honey Girl

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#66614 - 10/29/06 04:24 AM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
PS--
I am sorry, I do want to add something else.
I urge you to take into account the issue of STDs, including HIV. They're all a real risk, and even those which are really widespread and "seemingly" minor, like chlamydia, can pose a great danger to a woman's fertility (if that's an issue for you). If he's not willing to be monogamous, then you have to continue to protect yourself, and this is of course something he needs to acknowledge too.
I apologize if I am stressing something that is already obvious to you.
Best,
Honey Girl

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#66615 - 10/29/06 08:50 PM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
THANK YOU BROKENHEARTED AND HONEY GIRL

Your responses gave me more to think about. I find myself fluctuating between complete confidence that our love will guide us through this, to reminding myself how lucky he is to have me, to wondering about how many women he really has had sex with, thinking about all the women I have ever seen near him, to wondering what he is doing right now, then I start feeling like I am insane for even considering staying with him and then I remember how much I love him, and how hurt he is, then i think of my own life and wonder why even though I have experienced a ton of painful things (though never physical or sexual abuse) how I manage to be faithful and good to him and then I think I am giving him a free pass, ohhhh boy.

I'm really sorry for this stream of consciousness ramble.

Honey Girl your response, and then 2nd response was far from obvious (stupid me) not that I haven't thought of it but I haven't really THOUGHT of it and it made me sick to imagine.

I need to know, what makes you stay?

And also I was hoping that any of the men on here might have something to add for me, I feel so unsure suddenly.

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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#66616 - 10/29/06 09:33 PM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I admit the whole HIV/STD thing is extremely scary to me because if they're compulsively acting out, they are probably not entirely using the best judgment/self-control that it takes to be safe.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66617 - 10/29/06 10:27 PM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kath,

I dont normally visit this forum any more, but as a kid I had the shadow of STD in my abuse, and I guess it caused me as much damage as abuse.

I have blurted out things like, all you women just want babies or sex, but thats it, we are firstly looking for a partner who can at least know we are different.

The only girl I really knew asked me to go back to Germany with her, and if I had the confidence I would surely have done.

Relationships dont have to need sex, but when it happens it can be so good, but to me, I guess right now its not so easy,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#66618 - 10/30/06 03:52 AM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kat,

You have received some good responses from others, and here I will just say that 1) your bf's issues could be putting you in a lot of danger from STDs, and 2) no partner should expect that it's part of the gf job de>
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#66619 - 10/30/06 06:06 AM Re: New here, new to this, Need Help!
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
Thanks for all your responses, I'm sorry that the issue of STD's seems to be the only thing people responded too, I was really hoping for some more feedback since I thought there were many other issues at hand....still feeling lost.... \:\(

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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