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#66475 - 05/26/03 02:39 PM Honesty
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Here I am again. My boyfriend and I decided to take some time apart about 6 months ago. We have only seen each other once in that time. We wanted to build a better relationship and give him some space to work through some things. Things seemed to be getting better, we were communicating and not fighting as much. Last night I found out through someone else that he lied to me. He called me crying and gave me a whole story about what happened to him and then I find out it wasn't even true. The news he did tell me was bad, so why in the hell wouldn't he just tell me the truth because that is bad too? I told him several months ago that we can deal with anything as long as he tells me the truth-otherwise things will only be worse. He has continued to lie. When we broke up 6 months ago I broke up with him because he had been drinking a lot behind my back and lying to my face over and over that he wasn't. I have tried very hard to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at what point is he just a liar and doesn't deserve a second chance. Even as a friend, who wants a friend that is a liar?? I feel like a fool for ever trusting him. And I know he will say...he was scared that if I knew the truth that I wouldn't love him. But his lies are pretty terrible things too and I still love him after he tells those. I can't do it anymore. Why does he do this to himself and how can I break through once and for all????

Serafina


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#66476 - 05/26/03 07:44 PM Re: Honesty
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I lied about everything to my wife and friends, and it was getting close to the stage it wasn't working anymore. They were seeing through me.

But it was a natural thing for me to do, I lied to cover up my abuse, my acting out, my fantasies, my being useless, lazy and incompetant.
I lied to myself through my fantasy and dissociation, and that crept out as well, I lied to sound interesting to others.

And now that I've understood and destroyed the myths surrounding my old life I don't need to lie anymore.
It wasn't a part of my recovery I conciously thought about, it was so ingrained in my personality that as I've changed it's gone.

It was a foundation stone for all my insecurities, I just don't need to lie any more.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66477 - 05/27/03 10:27 AM Re: Honesty
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Lloydy has it right as far as the reasons go. Lies are a symptom of all the things he mentions. I have seen that and called CSA on it. That tells him, it no longer works. Like all the other outdated coping mechanisms, it needs to be overcome and that takes time.

Can you trust him again? I do not know. I have not seen that part yet.


Peace,
Lloydy.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66478 - 05/27/03 10:33 AM Re: Honesty
Tom S. Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
Make sure your information about him lieing is correct. Drinkers friends are just as bad sometimes. But; make up your mind which way you want to go, with what you know you have with him and his problems, or taking the chance starting over trying to find someone new.
If nothing else, make this a learning experience and do what you can to recognize problems and what you can do to avoid them. Don't focus on your bad experience or loss, but rather what you have learned and can tell someone else from the experience.

quote: In this time of ecenomic uncertainty, it is easy to see who is focused on providing health care, and who is in it for the money.
Tom S.

_________________________
' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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#66479 - 05/27/03 08:01 PM Re: Honesty
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Well I am happy to report that I confronted my boyfriend about the situation in a rational manner. I have been trying to keep in mind what his counselor told me. Before reacting...think...I can't control him, I can only hope that he does well for himself and then I have to let go. It turns out he wasn't lying to me, rather it was just a different version of the same tale. I do give him the benefit of the doubt, but have been burned by him in the past. He reacted in a non-defensive manner as well and understood why I would have been upset. Maybe we were doing better than I thought we were. I hope so.

Serafina


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#66480 - 05/29/03 02:13 PM Re: Honesty
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
AHA!!

I am very happy to hear that you guys got it straightened out. And I give you a big pat on the back for trying a different approach. It is good to short circuit the old pathways of behavior...what did I just write? screw the psycho-babble, you tried a different way, and look! you got a positive outcome...

YAY for you!!!

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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