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#66454 - 05/09/05 03:49 AM what to do (or not to do)???
The Fiancée Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 10
Loc: NY/NJ
my fiance was molested by his uncle 7 years ago. They never spoke of it, even though it happened several times, they continued on like nothing ever happened. Today, my fiancee mentioned it for the first time, he told him he wanted to seek therapy to begin talking about it. His uncle just said "okay" and then went on to say he just quit going to therapy.

This makes me REALLY angry, that this man thought enough of himself to go get therapy, but didn't offer his nephew, who he took advantage of and swore to secrecy, an outlet to deal with the burden he gave him. No apology, no admittance, just a useless "okay." How does he not feel obligated to say "i'm sorry, i want to take responsibility for once and pay for your therapist, i want you to move on from the awful things i did to you"

I feel like i can't fight the urge to call this man up and tell him "how dare you use his trusting, gentle soul in your advantage, in such a disgusting and foul way? how can you possibly tell him he isn't allowed to destroy your marriage, and do nothing to help him heal?"

i don't even hate him, i mean, he disgusts me, but i just hope he hates himself enough for me as well so i don't have to waste my energy. I see him at family functions (i am the only one who knows), and i'm always nice and polite and whatever.

It just drives me insane knowing what he did to the man I love, but feeling like I can't tell him how wrong he was, and how much he owes my fiance an apology and an effort to get him in the right direction of healing. Does he not care that he hurt him, does he not realize?

The only problems in our relationship, stem from this. We get along in EVERY WAY at ALL TIMES, except for a couple issues that he feels are a result of what happened (and are pretty logical reactions when you think about it)... and I HATE that this dirty old man was able to intrude on our relationship, that his actions are still causing effects in our relationship. I hate knowing that one day we'll be having children, and I'm never going to feel comfortable with him within 50 yards of them. I HATE knowing that this man will be in our life somehow until the day he dies.

How do you deal with not doing anything? I don't want to cause problems or interfere, but i've NEVER sat back and did nothing when someone was hurting a person i loved before. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what i can do that will help my fiance, and neither does he really.

I just can't get used to feeling useless.


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#66455 - 05/09/05 04:10 AM Re: what to do (or not to do)???
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida


_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#66456 - 05/09/05 04:21 AM Re: what to do (or not to do)???
The Fiancée Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 10
Loc: NY/NJ
thanks for the fast response


Yeah, i mean, i know that HE will feel better about himself if he handles it on his own, and that's what's important... but i'd feel better if i got to go smack some sense into this jerk.

My fiance is very good at pretending nothing is wrong, and he's been doing it for 7 years so it's become almost second nature. Our wedding day is in August, and that man will not be stepping foot on the property. This has been in the back of his mind for 7 years, and for a long while he was able to see his uncle without hating him. But we both feel that if there is one day in his life that his uncle should not be allowed an ounce of focus, it's his wedding day. We want only positive thoughts and energy that day, and at some point before then, he'll be told he's to decline his invitation.


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#66457 - 05/09/05 10:17 AM Re: what to do (or not to do)???
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida


_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#66458 - 05/09/05 11:35 AM Re: what to do (or not to do)???
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
It's always difficult to stand by when someone we love is suffering. However, we have to constantly examine our motives: if, deep down, we find we are playing "the avenging hero," then we have to go to the next step & wonder why we need to make ourselves the focus of our Loved One's fight: we have to take very good care that the answer isn't "because I feel he isn't competent to stand up for himself."

This fight belongs to your Love One, as does his healing. He must be allowed to proceed at his own pace.

It is completely understandable that you have feelings of revulsion about the perp. AND - there is also no reason that you cannot negotiate with your fiance to assure that your home together will NEVER be defiled by this man. It is also YOUR home & you should not be expected to invite ANYONE into it who gives you the creeps & makes you so angry.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#66459 - 05/10/05 05:46 AM Re: what to do (or not to do)???
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hello Fiancee--

I doubt that the man you love would agree with your assessment of yourself as "worthless." If you're the person he's trusted to share his life and his past with, he must have a high opinion of your qualities and feel being around you is a benefit to him. \:\)

The best thing you can do to help your fiance is do whatever you were doing to be the one he felt comfortable disclosing to. Love him, listen to him, believe him. Give him comfort, but also, give him space. Building a relationship free from abuse will do more to help him than kicking the tar out of ten perps.

SAR


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