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#66344 - 10/21/06 12:43 AM I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Well, I've been invited back to meet with my b/f and his therapist. She originally wanted me to come a few weeks ago, but then they got onto other topics that needed to be dealt with that had nothing to do with me. I'm nervous, but anxious to see what his T has to say since several months have gone by since the last time I was there. My b/f has really be having more difficult times lately and I think the prospect of me meeting with his T is stressing him out even more. He saw her on Wednesday and that's when he extended the invitation to me for next Wednesday. He's been a mess every since. I've told him that if he's not ready for me to come back, then I won't, but he says no, his T thinks it's important so he wants me to come.

I think one of the things he may be worried about is a confrontation between me and his T. It's not that I don't have faith in her, it's just that I don't think she gives him as much positive re-inforcement and encouragement as she should. For instance, in one sentence, she'll tell me what a wonderful man she thinks my b/f is and then in the same breath, that he's been horribly damaged. I know that's true and maybe it's just a matter of semantics, but I hate that she uses that term to him with no follow up to say that the damage can be undone. I've gotten my hackles up before when we've met, not to the point of an argument, but the tension is undeniable. So you can see part of the reason I'm nervous. I don't want to argue with her, but I tend to feel very protective of him when we're there. It's odd that I should feel that with the woman who has been in his life twice to help him with all of this crap, but I do.

I also feel very challenged by her. At our last session she began by telling me that I must be very special for my b/f to have let his guard down enough to stay with me for 5 years and that if he could love anyone, it was definately me. That made me feel great, but then, later in the session, it was almost like she was trying to discourage me from staying in this relationship. That this man I loved would never be able to give me what I want and need. I was put off by that too and had a hard time controlling my anger. Again, I just don't feel like there's alot of positive coming from her, yet she seems like a very caring and knowledgable woman. I just can't figure out where she's going.

Keep in mind that this is only the 3rd time we'll be meeting and I certainly don't know what goes on between them when I'm not there. I only have my meager experiences to go by and I could be totally off the mark in the way she deals with him. I'm all screwed up at the moment.

I'm glad and feel priviledge to be invited into this setting and I know it's very difficult for my b/f, but I'm really unsure of myself here. Have any of you guys/gals been faced with similar situations?

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#66345 - 10/21/06 12:03 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

My wife has never attended one of my sessions with my T, but she has come up in our conversations, and my T has always been very supportive but also cautious. She tells me that she is MY therapist and can't possibly stand with both of us at the same time. But she does try to help me with issues about what my wife knows, and especially with the question of being honest with her about my past as an abused boy.

I think you should go into the session with the idea that you have feelings and concerns, and if you are asked to be there then they should be prepared to get what you think, and not just the passive presence of your warm body. But do bear in mind that the session will be about him, and it will help if you let yourself be guided by the T. That said, if you hear something you think is just plain crap or harmful, you should say so, but if possible not in a confrontational way.

It will be difficult for you, because everything that is said will be building on a context of past discussions that, as you say, you know nothing about. For example, she may already have stressed to him that the damage he has suffered can be repaired; you were just not there for that part.

Therapy is difficult for all concerned, Trish, and I think it's natural that you should feel uneasy. I would just go in there bearing in mind that the aims are all positive, and that you are there to be heard as well as told. This is an off-the-wall guess, but it sounds to me like some sort of revelation is coming, something that hurts so bad he feels he can only tell you with his T there to help him along.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#66346 - 10/21/06 03:21 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm afraid you may be right about the revelation part, I'm just scared to death that the revelation is that he doesn't feel he can be with me, or anyone. That's the way he looks at things too much of the time. He just can't seem to open up and let himself just "be" and quite honestly if that's where this goes, it'll take the fight out of me. Everytime he says something along those lines, I get a little more tired. I'll fight for my guy, but I can't fight alone. I'm just a little scared at the moment. I'll try like hell not to project and get myself all worked up before Wednesday. I want this to be a positive thing and it may very well be, but the little monster in my head is gaining ground.

ROCK ON.....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#66347 - 10/21/06 06:09 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

I hate sticking my neck out like this, but I really do doubt that's what awaits you. Just a hunch of course, but that's not what comes up on my radar - such as it is. :rolleyes: :p

I would be scared too girl, and scared bigtime. But my feeling is this will be something from his past that he's utterly ashamed of. Okay, okay: here it is then. I have this hunch that what he wants to tell you, with his T's help, is the terrible thing that lies at the heart of his abuse issues, whatever that might be. The thing that haunts him the most, the thing that, if you knew, you would throw up your hands in disgust and put a Mafia contract out on him - he thinks.

But Trish, don't sit alone and fret over this. Talking does help and you have a right and a need to say how you feel.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66348 - 10/21/06 06:56 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks Larry. Like I said, I'll do my best to keep the monster at bay.

I actually just saw my b/f for a few minutes cause I had to run out to radio shack so I brought him a coffee. He's putting a new window in where the new bathroom will go so right now, there's a big hole in the house. But he'll have it done before nightfall. You gotta love a guy who makes his own honey-do lists!

ROCK ON....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#66349 - 10/22/06 05:54 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Trish,

As I read your post a thought struck me like a bolt of lightning. I think this probably comes from my own history with a very domineering mother who would use excessive discipline over some of the most minor infractions, so take what I say with that thought in mind.

Have you given much thought to the fact that perhaps he isn't feeling as put down by what she says as you are feeling put down for him? It seems to me, and please, no offense intended here, that you are being sort of like the mother hen guarding her chicks. The thing is, he's no longer a chick. He's a full grown rooster. Granted, his comb is a little askew and his feathers are singed, but he's still a full grown rooster.

Perhaps part of the problem here is that he needs to fight his own battles, express his own outrage if she is indeed not giving him "as much positive re-inforcement and encouragement as she should".

I really have no idea of all of the ramifications of your relationship and interaction, so I don't know if I'm anywhere near the mark here or not. Could be way the heck off it, for all that, but I've tried to convey my gut reaction after reading your post.

Again, no offense intended here.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#66350 - 10/23/06 01:30 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Trish, my heart will be pounding right along with yours on Wednesday --

Thinking of you,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66351 - 10/23/06 02:35 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Trish,

Just to add to my previous post - - -

Yes, like BH my heart will be pounding for you as well on Wed. I truly wish you the best.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#66352 - 10/23/06 02:20 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
John,

No offense taken at all. You're actually right. I never express my feelings of protectiveness because it's unnecessary most of the time. It's only when I see so cleary the pain on his face that I want to strike out at whoever I think might be causing it. I know this is my issue and I'll deal. I also know that his T does have his best interests at heart, I guess I'm just nervous, although not as much as I was over the weekend.

We had a really nice weekend and talked quite a bit. He told me some things that I didn't really want to know, but better I should know his struggling than giving in to his desires to act out. I really can deal with that; if he did it, I'd break. He told me that his T wanted to see me with him just for an update, nothing more sinister, and I believe him, no reason not to.

We'll be good - I know that.

Thanks for your thoughts and good wishes.

ROCK ON.....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#66353 - 10/23/06 03:24 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Trish:
I understand how you feel. I've been attending therapy with my husband for the past few weeks. At first I was a nervous wreck, but now I feel more at ease at being a partner in his healing. For the most part, I'm there as his support post and I just observe. I have learned so much in such a short time.
I try to keep my perceptions to myself because the reason we are there is not about me but about my husband. In addition, I only will speak when asked a direct question. It's in the after session that I'll ask husband for his take on what was discussed. It sort of reminds me of the post-game interview. I think the conversation has been beneficial in helping my husband process what has been discussed and has aided him in opening up his heart to truly trust me. In turn, I feel much closer to my husband because I've gained understanding on the difficult struggles he faces in the everyday. I feel very fortunate for the opportunity for this understanding. In no way would I ever ask to be included but as long as I'm wanted, I'll attend.
My thoughts are with you and remember slow-deep breaths work if the discussion swings in an unpleasant direction.
s-n-s

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#66354 - 10/24/06 06:34 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Trish,

It may also be that your boyfriend doesn't need that type of positive 100% support from his therapist; that he feels challenged (in a good way) to focus and make progress when he's presented with issues and problems to work on. For me personally, I would have a hard time building trust with a therapist if I felt that the level of support was unrealistic or unearned.

Quote:
it was almost like she was trying to discourage me from staying in this relationship. That this man I loved would never be able to give me what I want and need.
Is that when she asked you what you would do if he never made any progress from where he was right now?

I know I have said similar things to you, and it is really not meant as a suggestion that your boyfriend is not capable of further progress. It is about asking you to examine the present situation in a way that helps the two of you set goals for the relationship.

Hang in there--
SAR


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#66355 - 10/24/06 02:50 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
SAR, yes it was and as I said in previous posts, that rankled me because I thought it was a question asked too soon. I'm OK now and actually looking forward to the session tomorrow night. The little monster in my head is in check and I don't believe there is anything that will come up tomorrow that I can't handle.

There is much I need to learn about my b/f, his needs, wants and desires, what I am capable of fulfilling and where I need to stop short because he has to straighten stuff out. I believe that his T can and will give me some insights that he is unable to do at this time.

S&S, thanks for your encouragement. I know we've got a long way to go, but I believe....

I'll be sure to post an update afterwards though to let you all know what happened. I feel confident that this will be a good thing.

ROCK ON.....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#66356 - 10/25/06 01:28 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

It's Wednesday afternoon across the pond, but I know it's too early for your appointment to have happened yet. So in case you get up and check this thread before you go, I want you to see some good wishes and thoughts. You so deserve all the best things in the world; I hope all goes well today.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66357 - 10/25/06 09:19 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Trish, I'm thinking about you too. I had my appt w/ my counselor today and it went well, some tears of mine came out because we talked about the survivor story I read, but she said I'm doing really well and learning a lot and seem ready for my husband to finally connect w/ me after all these yrs.

I really hope your T appt goes well tonight. Thinking of you,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66358 - 10/25/06 09:48 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks Larry and BH - I'll be leaving the office in about 45 minutes. It never fails that when you've got to leave, catastrophe's start hitting all over the place, *Grrrrrrrr*, but short of the building catching fire, I'm outa here. Heck even if it does catch fire, what can I do? - I'm no fireman *lol*

I may or may not be on later tonight, but for sure tomorrow.

T

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#66359 - 10/26/06 12:29 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

As ever, much love and boundless good thoughts. You are a strong person. I know that and so do you. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66360 - 10/26/06 02:50 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi all - tonight went great. There were no intense revelations and no bad news. My b/f's T was wonderful and caring and positive and encouraging to him, to me and to us. So many things happened and I'm still digesting all of it.

One of the most major things was that the T gave my b/f an out.....she told him that they really needed to decide where to go from here. That he'd made lots of progress and at this point, he needed to decide whether he wanted to continue seeing her on a regular basis on his own or just with me, once a month or so. If my b/f and I had looked at each other, I'm sure we'd have seen the other's jaw drop in shock. Luckily, we were sitting next to each other and I was closest to his T, looking right at her. It took everything I had for my neck not to swivel around like the exorcist to see his reaction, but I didn't - I waited - it only took 1/2 a second for him to say that he felt he still needed to come. Once I started breathing again, I took that opportunity to excuse myself to the ladies room and told them to work out the next appointment. When I came back to the room, no backtracking had been done and next week's appointment had been set.

As I said, so much happened tonight, all good from my perspective, but that one was huge. For those of you who know our story, I basically forced my b/f into therapy. It was either that or we ended. I did what I felt I had to do at the time, but I've continually felt guilty about it and didn't want him doing this just to please me - that would get him and us no where.

He was given an out tonight and didn't take it. He knows he needs to keep going and I think he is starting to believe that his life can be better. I'm so proud of him. After our session, we had dinner and talked nonsense, but when we got back to his house, I told him how impressed I was with him and how proud I am of him that he made a good decision for himself even though he could have walked. He doesn't accept compliments well (something else we discussed tonight) but he took this one.

I am very impressed with my guy and proud to tell the world.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#66361 - 10/26/06 04:01 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Happy news!! Whew, what a relief too.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66362 - 10/26/06 06:13 AM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Trish,

Cyber Hugs to you and he. I'm so pleased. Absolutely very cool beans!

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#66363 - 10/26/06 02:04 PM Re: I've been invited back to my b/f's T
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trish,

What great news! I'm so happy it worked out well for the both of you. And it looks like the progress will continue, so good news there as well.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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