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#66283 - 10/22/06 02:49 PM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I feel bad now, cause he is a good dad. He's out in the garden now with our daughter clearing leaves. He is showing interest in how to repair some of the damage done to her by his various disociation/boundary/emotional confusion. I told him last night about how angry I feel over the fact he witheld important information about some of the difficulties he had with her in the past. It led to much confusion on my part, and misshandling of behaviours. He took it well and we were able to discuss it a bit. He seems very committed to righting it all.

Also this week he has been making a real effort to talk and instigate intimacy.

He has said things to reassure me when I've been insecure. But when I recall the conversation we had a few months back(when he wasn't sure about us) and I had asked him if he wanted to have some kind of open relationship; he wasn't sure, he went to work, then phoned and left a message on answer phone, saying, ''that's not where I'm at....'', and that he wasn't ready to give up on us etc. It's the 'that's not where I'm at' that gets me. I thinkpreviously to that when I nervously asked him about the marriage thing and he'd said he was trying to think of a good way to ask, can't have been true because at that time he was actually feeling very unsure about everything. SO, all of that makes me worry about what to believe of his intentions, you know? I feel like everything's on rocky ground at the moment. I don't think I feel sure of us anymore either, but I can't help feeling like that's because I don't get certainty from him? I think we're just in a very difficult place at the moment.

I also don't feel comfortable bringing up the commitment issue with him at the moment, because I don't want another decision of this kind to be based on my insecurity.I want it to based on what he WANTS. Does that make sense?

peace
Beccy


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#66284 - 10/22/06 04:53 PM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
B,

I have begun to realize that just because a survivor isn't "sure" about his mate is not an indication of lack of love. It indicates that he is unsure, because he is unsure about EVERYTHING, even himself. He is probably unsure you could ever love him if you knew all the crap he feels about himself. Try to see it from his point of view. Imagine that you are having a serious personal nervous breakdown because of your past, and your partner is asking for you to be sure about anything. It must be terribly hard for him.

One way I am going to approach my husband when he gets back is I'm going to offer my friendship (what he needs now) as he begins to sort through some confusing and bad feelings and tell him that there is no pressure for intimacy at the moment. Also that we won't decide what's going to happen to "us" until we're down the road quite a ways, that is, until after therapy and all...it's a long, long road. We can't rush them as much as we'd love to!!! I think asking for them to be very sure of anything right now is unfair given what devastation they're dealing with. They're not emotionally equipped to make any big decisions right now. Your mind is clear and you are whole, so you know what you want, you know you are good mates probably for life. That may be true on his part too, he just doesn't KNOW it yet. Does that make sense? He *can't* know it yet. This is how I'm going to deal with my husband. His uncertainty about "us" does not reflect a lack of love for me, just reflects the devastation/confusion he's going through at the TIME. I want us to get past some of this heavy stuff so he can think clearly and we can make decisions together. Also remember he's not capable of stating what HE wants or needs now anyway - all that was taken away from him as a boy. It's like he's got a speech impediment and can't even state it. He has to relearn how to ask for things and value himself, etc., and I imagine he'll be able to move forward in your relationship at some point, just not now when he's so fragile about EVERYTHING, not just you.

If you were in a relationship with a whole man w/a normal psyche you would have every right to DEMAND a commitment from him after 12 yrs and 2 children!!! But he's not your regular, strong guy who knows what he wants. Try to remember this, and remember too that as he gets better he will become stronger and better able to see what has been in front of him all along, your love and a family that is worth keeping. <3

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66285 - 10/22/06 07:48 PM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Brokenhearted, here where you say,

''We can't rush them as much as we'd love to!!! I think asking for them to be very sure of anything right now is unfair given what devastation they're dealing with. They're not emotionally equipped to make any big decisions right now. Your mind is clear and you are whole, so you know what you want, you know you are good mates probably for life.''

Firstly, if i hadn't asked him if he wanted an open relationship, I might have been waiting weeks/months for him to be 'sure' about us. I believe that was asking him to be very sure of one thing. I am not prepared to sit at home and wait for him to decide when he might 'choose' to seek excitement elsewhere. And I wanted to make it very clear, he should decide that, and if so, I would not sit around waiting while he went out sleeping with other people. I would have my own fun too. At least that made it clear he had to really think about what he wanted in the here and now. I don't think that is too much to ask, although that's my own personal boundary.

Secondly, my mind is not clear, and I don't believe it ever has been. It's why I am with someone like him, and it's also why I cheated on him years ago. I believe I was acting out when I did that, and if he'd screamed his head off at me and showed me his true feelings, I would have stopped it in a second. I don't mean making me feel ashamed, as I actually think that IS what he did. I mean raw emotions. It is these missing raw emotions and expressions of various feelings, which make me feel insecure/unwanted. That makes me wonder how long I can live without these things, before my own desires/needs get the better of me. Perhaps I will never get them from him. Either he won't truly want me, or he won't be able to give me what I need. Maybe I'm not giving him what he needs either. And I definately am no longer sure we will be mates for life.......I've been going through a process too, from the stuff from my past, and also from the mess of this relationship. I have always expressed clearly my devotion/commitment to him though. I always knew I wanted to be with him, even when i was cheating on him. I never said I wasn't sure to him. I feel hurt that he said that to me. There's so much pain and betrayal, that at the moment it seems like more than a mountain to climb.....


peace
beccy


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#66286 - 10/22/06 09:57 PM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
B,

When you say "I am not prepared to sit at home and wait for him to decide when he might 'choose' to seek excitement elsewhere. And I wanted to make it very clear, he should decide that, and if so, I would not sit around waiting while he went out sleeping with other people." -- I totally agree with this one. I only meant that he may not be able to "see" clearly enough right now to move forward with a marriage commitment. Yes, either he needs to be faithful or get out, that much I agree w/.

I think for me and maybe for you also, is the question of whether they're ambivalent about being w/ "us" as a couple because they're wounded and can't make up their minds, or because they maybe don't love us anymore/enough. I struggle w/ this one also. I feel much more optimistic if I take the first view where they're just confused, and also they may not really even understand yet what real love IS.

However, it does crush me also to wonder if he just doesn't love me anymore. But w/ his csa and also other signs of depression in his life - I can see he's lost interest in a lot of things besides me - so I guess I've chosen to see it that way, rather than a lack of love. It hurts too much to think it's THAT.

It's hard. But things change, they can't stay the same forever, so maybe this time next week or next month you'll feel differently, hopefully better.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66287 - 10/22/06 10:08 PM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Brokenhearted, I think you're one of the most optimistic people ever \:\)

peace
Beccy


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#66288 - 10/23/06 04:28 AM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Or hopelessly hopeful...it's too heartbreaking to be otherwise for me...I can't handle no hope in my situation right now.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66289 - 10/27/06 04:10 AM Re: Update
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
Hi,

I'm new here and I am finding a ton of information that is very insightful. I have one question for Brokenhearted, you have said many things that are so helpful to read but there is one comment I read from you one 2 different posts that upset me and I wanted to ask you about it.

Why did you say that they (the men who suffered) are not WHOLE?

That seems cruel and judgemental, although you clearly are not from everything else you've written. Pls don't take offense but I am curious.

Thanks for so much insight.

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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#66290 - 10/27/06 04:32 AM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Katherinew,

When I said "whole" I did not mean anything derogatory by it, in my mind it would mean being in ownership of a healthy self-esteem rather than having distorted thinking or views. That is my meaning of it in this situation. In other words, certain things were taken away from him as a boy, such as dignity and esteem and a regard for his own needs, and those things are still missing from my husband. They were taken away from him so that now he is not in ownership of all that he was created to be. Maybe it's a complicated definition but that is all I meant by it and I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66291 - 10/27/06 05:10 AM Re: Update
katherinew Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 16
Loc: lala land
Brokenhearted,

Thank you for you reply. I understand better what you meant. I guess I have a different perspective in the sense that I think once a person realizes that they ARE whole, no matter what pains and insecurities they have, THAT knowledge or belief will help them gain the things that they are lacking.

But also I feel so confused myself and I was not offended, just wanted to understand why you felt that way. It hurt me to think of my bf as not whole because he was abused.

_________________________
Kat
* *** *

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

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#66292 - 10/27/06 10:51 AM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I have to say I don't really think of my bf as not being whole anymore than I would have thought of my own skewed perspective of my life (until recently) meaning I am not whole. I think it's more like all the pieces of yourself are a bit mixed up and distorted. You think these things about yourself, they feel real, you don't feel any less than whole. I don't feel any more whole now after sorting my own head out a bit. I just feel like loads of things I've done/thought have been based on untruths about myself/other people. I can understand the point you were trying to make though BH.....

peace
beccy


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