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#66273 - 10/19/06 12:51 PM Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
This last week has been very hard since i made the physical/emotional boundary thing. Bf has been very depressed about it and I have had to fight all my feelings of guilt and avoid giving him sympathy over it. That has been SO hard. But, I did it and I think it may be paying off now.

Yesterday, I realised I've been so angry with him and decided maybe it's time to move on from that now. I realise none of this is his fault and I felt sad that I have been feeling so dispassionate about us. So, in the evening I suggested we look on some 'save your relationship' websites. He was fine with that and we read through one of them, then he said he felt sick, stood up, did some stretches, then sat down and said he felt uneasy again. I thought that would be it for the evening, but then he went on to explain he was feeling distant and he realised that was cause he was distancing himself and he didn't like it. He went on to say that at his last T appointment, his T asked him if he was afraid of losing me and he didn't know. So, after a day of thinking about it, he realised he was and that it was making him avoid any instigation of intimacy in case he 'got it wrong', got triggered, and/or upset me. After that, he was So nice to me! I don't think he's ever been that 'connected' to me before. It's funny cause I got all shy and nervous(which is very me). We had a far more enjoyable evening than we usually have. I also noticed that I'm actually quite afraid of 'connecting' with him now. Is it because I have been so shut out for all these years and so hurt by everything that's happened? Perhaps I was always afraid?

I don't know, but basically it seems like a change for the better and I just wanted to share some positive news with you all. Also the interesting thing that through me being stronger for myself/my own needs, it has given him the opportunity to think about what he really wants.


with a lot of hard work, we all have the possibility to live the life we deserve....


peace
Beccy


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#66274 - 10/19/06 07:15 PM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Beccy,

Oh, I'm so glad you guys had a nice evening. What a positive thing! I am so glad he has a T that is helping him. At least you know it's progressing and in a positive way.

Trish pointed something out to me on another thread (the jealousy one) that made me REALLY think. She said, "They see and they hurt, they just don't tell us." I keep repeating that one over and over in my mind.... your b/f sounds sweet *when you get to know him*! That is, when he lets you in.

Sometimes I think they could hurt us much worse if they let us in first. Eek, I hope not. But I want to be let in so bad and it sounds like your b/f is letting you in slowly.

I raise my teacup to you! ;-)

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#66275 - 10/19/06 09:58 PM Re: Update
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

What a nice post! I'm so glad things are looking better. It's important to hold onto those moments - there will be further stormy days in the future and it's good to be able to look back and see that there really is something to work for.

He has a lot of work to do, sure. But please do bear in mind that all this is challenging you as well. You have a right to your frustrations and anger, and it's important that these feelings not get just stuffed back into the dark. They need to be processed and resolved somehow, just as his feelings need to be processed and resolved.

I just posted to BH on the issue of a survivor refusing to feel anymore. Did you see that? I ask because I wonder if that sounds familiar in your bf's case.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#66276 - 10/20/06 02:16 PM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Thanks larry,

I remember you said that once before, about further stormy days in the future, and it did prepare me for the ones already encountered. It still scares me to hear it again though. Makes me worry about what else?

I know, my feelings of anger/frustration.....what to do with them.....I suppose so far, the best thing seems to have been 'allow all feelings, feel all feelings'. Then hope not to make loads of mistakes because of that, does that make sense? Then, keeping the awareness that this is neither mine/my bf's fault and so once a feeling is dealt with, you can kind of decide to move on from it.

The jealousy post.....it does sound familiar. It still worries me though, just like it worries me that he's not asked me to marry him. I understand he's closed off to a lot of his feelings, numb, and I relate to that too. But, also, if that's the case, is it only when he fully feels again that he'll truly know his feelings for me. He said he hadn't even thought of the possibility of losing me, but now he has, he's decided he won't let that happen. Last night he said he had decided to be nicer to be with. It is positive. Also though, when he talks about it all, I can't 'see', or 'feel' his feelings within it. Like it all sounded quite calculated. I don't mind that in itself, it's part of what I find attractive about him, but I find myself worrying what all this really means to him. Perhaps my trust is so shattered, and I am so paranoid(mixed in with afraid) of his intentions. I think I have been very deeply hurt by this relationship, and it's going to take quite a while for me to trust him again. Also I have noticed, I am definately having problems fully connecting from my side. It comes and goes in waves, but I am so nervous/on edge/insecure about expressing my whole self. If I wasn't such a bloody sensitive person!

I know all of these things will just progress gradually......I'd like to start feeling less depressed soon, more confident etc

will post again soon,

peace
Beccy


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#66277 - 10/21/06 01:17 AM Re: Update
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

This one struck a resonant chord in me this evening:

Quote:
It still scares me to hear it again though. Makes me worry about what else?
It reminds me of all the times I would get up in the morning, stumble over to the bathroom and shower, and then look in the mirror and say to myself: "Don't even START on me this morning. I just came here to brush my teeth and shave." ;\)

You mention again the issue of him not asking you to marry him, but let me ask you this: Isn't that in fact a good thing? Isn't there a lot of other stuff to work through before that question can really be faced? Or let's put it this way: Isn't it a healthy thing that the marriage discussion be postponed for awhile?

I know you see the possibility of it never happening at all, and that's what bothers you. I'm just suggesting what I hope is a more positive way to look at it in the present circumstances.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#66278 - 10/21/06 10:15 AM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I know what you mean Larry, and obviously that makes sense. Just depressing that's all.....


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#66279 - 10/21/06 11:51 AM Re: Update
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

Yeah I know, I know (notice I didn't say "I understand"). I'm just suggesting that things can be made to hurt less when we teach ourselves the art of what's possible and what works right now.

My wife and I stumbled onto that by accident really, but it helped us a lot. When I was in bad shape there were lots of things that were just NOT going to happen. That sucked bigtime, but still, that's the way it was. By learning to accept that for the time being and sticking to safe territory it really was better for us both.

I'm not saying shut up about the possibility of marriage. Not at all. There are plenty of ways you can signal how you feel and what you want, and in fact that might be good for both of you. It would be a way of indicating that both of you are still looking forward to a time when things are a LOT better. I would just say that stopping short of the big conversation makes good sense for right now.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66280 - 10/22/06 11:04 AM Re: Update
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I know Larry,

there's just this wierd thing that seems to keep happening to me, where the longer we go on without this kind of proffession/expression of commitment/passionate love from him, the more angry/cold I am feeling. It's all internalised, so he doesn't know, but I'm like, we've been together 12 years, we have 2 kids........it seems silly.

I am coming to the realiseation though, that really he's only just 'waking up'. It's like he's a teenager who's experiencing adult feelings for the first time. And sometimes a child. All this leaves me with the profound feeling that he must surely have been in a place where he didn't really know what he wanted. So, what now? I am an experience to be had, until he really understands himself/knows what kind of partner he wants. And THEN he will know if he wants commitment or not? This makes me ANGRY. I am here now, living with him, looking after our kids and I wanted commitment from the start. I never intended to live together as a casual affair. I was serious about my intentions(with or without the marriage part). I don't want to be a GIRLFRIEND who's just co-habiting until he decides she's really what he wants.

Sometimes I feel very pessimistic about our future together. 12 years is a long time to wait for all the things I really need to feel alive and happy and secure. I have been 'shut down' for such a long time and now I'm switching on again, I'm not really sure how much patience I have.

peace
beccy


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#66281 - 10/22/06 12:45 PM Re: Update
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Beccy,

Everything you say in this last post he needs also to hear one way or another. What you talk about are your concerns and needs, your boundaries, and your anger at what his abuse issues are costing everyone - you, him, and the children. If perhaps it's a good idea to hold off on discussions of further commitments, even if they are already implicit in the relationship as it is right now, I don't think any partner should feel she has to accept disrespect or tolerate a non-functional relationship in which her needs aren't met at all.

Where the boundaries lie for you is something you have to decide yourself, and then communicate to him. After 12 years, yes, he should be able to figure these out by now. But I can tell you that even after 19 years, once I started dealing with my abuse issues I fell into a pretty serious state of emotional confusion and distress that prevented me from seeing many things, including where I was going wrong and where I was crossing serious boundaries. I knew only because my wife stood her ground and made sure I knew.

I think the way you end is especially important for him to hear and understand:

Quote:
12 years is a long time to wait for all the things I really need to feel alive and happy and secure. I have been 'shut down' for such a long time and now I'm switching on again, I'm not really sure how much patience I have.
That kind of approach tells him that what matters is commitment and genuine effort, and that if he can't manage that, then you cannot predict how long you can wait around for him to find his way.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66282 - 10/22/06 01:39 PM Re: Update
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
And Beccy, I'm sorry but he needs to be held accountable somewhat because you have children together. It's kind of like you want to tell him you understand all his pain/confusion, etc., but also could maybe say a version of "Do the right thing" to him. And the "right thing" would AT LEAST be to be a good dad for his kids and being a good dad doesn't mean leaving and paying child support on time. The kids need HIM. (as well as you, of course). I'm sorry there's not a vow or commitment he would be breaking if he left you, but he does have children and surely that is something he ought to commit himself to, at the very least. I'm not discounting your feelings for 12 yrs, and you can certainly remind him of the time YOU'VE invested in making a life with HIM. It's very hard because you want to assert yourself and be unconditionally loving at the same time. Remind him that you don't want his abuse to claim more victims: you and the children. Maybe if he sees it that way he would want to stand up for what he has and protect it.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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