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#66265 - 05/16/03 01:27 AM Re: For better or for worse...
mrsunshineguy Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi jg,

Wow! I guess from the desert and dumped into a flood, huh?

I guess if you want any tips, my number one is
The most important thing for any partner . . .
You take good care of you.
Keep visiting and we can talk more.

See you,

Sunshine


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#66266 - 05/16/03 10:09 AM Re: For better or for worse...
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I agree with the "take care of you" advice - just remember that sometimes a SA survivor may try to take his rage, etc out on you (my SA bf does that from time to time and it is agonizing and horrendously damaging to myself and the relationship).

I agree with your encouragement to be dedicated and supportive but as far as "leaving only when you are asked" - that is a difficult one for some partners (including myself) It is hard to sit rationalize why someone mistreats you and to deal with the crap and abuse when the mistreatment is so damaging (in my case I get subjected to some horrendously cruel verbal abuse from time to time).

When this mistreatment has gone on for a long time it is understandable that partners of survivors may start contemplating leaving the relationship. One can only take so much. I too have pondered the idea, quite seriously, of leaving my partner on a few occasions as a means to protect myself. At those points, while I did care that he may perceive me leaving as another case of rejection and abandonment, I was so affected by the abuse and so far gone and so depressed that I HAD to think of myself first.


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#66267 - 05/16/03 10:40 AM Re: For better or for worse...
Tom S. Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
This is a test. JG and Sandy W., you are about to find out just what your marraige and family are REALLY made of.
Just keep this one thought; What did I marry this guy for back then? The answer to that will determine what the future holds not only for you, but the generations that will follow you. Not is it worth it today, but in the years to come. This Is A Test of not only your marriage, but your family as well.
Marriages used to be pre-arranged among families, and only purity and diginity of a family name was accecptable. I wonder if that wasn't a good system after all?
Tom S.

[quote] In this time of economic uncertianty, it is easy to see the health care providers who are concerned about providing true health care, and those who are in it for the money. Tom S.

_________________________
' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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#66268 - 05/16/03 01:45 PM Re: For better or for worse...
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
JG - Wow! You are quite a lady. I happen to agree with "for better or worse". That's what marriage is supposed to be about.

As for "leaving when asked", you have to be careful. It may be a test. Yes, it makes no sense but so little does; ecpecially initially on the road to heal.

PAS - It is perfectly acceptable to leave when his behavior becomes unacceptable. When you return, the message is I am not leaving you but the behavior.

Tom S. - You are right about the test, on so many levels.

Peace,
Freedom

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#66269 - 05/16/03 08:30 PM Re: For better or for worse...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
JG
I guess you've read my post "Me and Sugar" ?

I saw so much of my marriage in what you wrote, and although we're still not perfect - I still have issues with intimacy and sex - life is GOOD compared to where we were.

I think it's sometimes important to go back and remember the person we fell in love with and detach that person from the messed up life survivors live.
We do crazy things when we're wounded, heal the wounds and see if things change. Maybe the handsome, witty sex god will return ?

But PAS is absolutely right, don't take crap from anyone. I'm talking 'real crap' - not helping themselves, verbal or physical abuse and stuff like that. Nobody deserves that.

We heal faster with love and support, that's a fact.

dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#66272 - 05/18/03 06:57 AM Re: For better or for worse...
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
jg, Thanks for your post. Your courage and support are the greatest gift your husband could ask for. It is so incredibly hard to go this alone; I have found even with the help of a good T. But, I am making it, it may take me a bit longer but will get there. None of us asked for this nor did our spouses, the gigantic tear it creates in a marriage (relationship) is unbelievable. Your compassion for your husband again is terrific. Encourage him to post as well, stay strong, a good hug goes along way in healing, I miss it.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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