Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
betterdays (29), ChevyMan76 (46), cuda (48), swartzhund (42), wdf9 (70)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 67 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62517 Topics
438110 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#66234 - 10/18/06 02:03 AM Husband does not remember our wedding day
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Here's another interesting thing. Do any of you all have any experience w/ this one? My husband has said several times through the years that he remembers absolutely nothing, NADA, about our wedding day. No, he was not drunk either. Is it because it was traumatic/stressful to him and he dissociated it out???? It's just so upsetting to me. He also does not remember most of his childhood, but that's understandable with his csa. On our anniversary last year another couple had us over for dinner and we all reminisced about our weddings. My husband admitted he remembers zero about ours. The other couple was astonished and I was just ...well, you know. No one knew what to say. The man of the other couple said, "I remember everything about our wedding day..." and went on to describe the weather, things people said that day, things they did or ate, the music, the pictures, the dances, you name it.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66235 - 10/18/06 09:26 AM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
That must be very upsetting for you Brokenhearted. That's kind of like him saying he can't remember the important day when he pledged commitment to you? What is this stuff about commitment anyway? I can't even ask my bf about marriage anymore(read other thread). The last thing he said was that he was busy thinking of a good way to ask. I'm just not so sure about that, I don't think he's sure. I don't think he's ever been sure. Well I'm not so sure anymore either.......I find myself misstrusting what he really means when he's hugging me now. Like, I'm starting to notice the lack of words and it makes me nervous. At the moment he keeps saying he's uneasy all the time.......I confess, I am constantly expecting him to come home and say, the reason I feel uneasy is because I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore.

I'm probably too self centred,

peace
Beccy


Top
#66236 - 10/19/06 01:55 AM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I guess again, we have to not take their thoughtlessness or noncommittments PERSONALLY. They are NOT whole, remember? It's so hard to remember that for me sometimes.

I was really hoping several MS's would come here and say, "Oh, I don't remember my wedding day either," just to reassure me it's just a csa thing. One time my husband did say getting married "was stressful." Maybe it was more so for him. I don't know. Just sad, is all.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66237 - 10/19/06 09:20 AM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
I think you have a right to feel unpset by this Brokenhearted, does your husband know how upset you are about this?

I am still upset that my bf hasn't even asked me to marry him yet :rolleyes:

be kind to yourself,

peace
Beccy


Top
#66238 - 10/19/06 07:38 PM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
B, yesterday was a "3-martini pity party" for me! No, I didn't really drink anything, but I was feeling pretty lowwwwwwwwwwwww! Oh, I think I probably let him know it upset me that he doesn't remember our wedding. He couldn't say anything to make it better.

I can't remember all the background - I apologize- about you and b/f- but does he come from family where people are happily married? Sometimes that can give a clue as to what he expects/wants regarding marriage, or if he even wants it at all. Maybe he really is trying to think of a nice way to ask. In my opinion it would be romantic and best if he waited till the end (is there such a thing?) of therapy and getting his issues straightened out, then could move forward confidently with his goals/dreams. Maybe he's afraid you won't wait long enough and he knows he's a mess and doesn't want to be such a mess as your husband.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66239 - 10/19/06 07:59 PM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

All I can say is that at least he had the courage to say he doesn't remember. That's already an admission that something is very wrong. Still, I would agree with you: How can someone NOT remember their wedding day?

On the other hand, the mind does funny things when it's overloaded and traumatized, and sometimes it's not the bad memories that get dumped. I wonder if somehow his wedding day is a "dangerous" memory: that is, it's the day he committed to a woman whom he thinks deserves a lot better and to a relationship he fears he will ruin.

Do you have wedding pictures and mementoes? Perhaps those would help him remember. I have found that sometimes just a pic is enough to bring something back to me. And is the subject of your wedding and early days something you can discuss? Perhaps it would help to recall some fun things you did or humorous or tender moments you had. That would help him to gain a more balanced perspective.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#66240 - 10/20/06 01:25 AM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Larry, you wrote: "I wonder if somehow his wedding day is a "dangerous" memory: that is, it's the day he committed to a woman whom he thinks deserves a lot better and to a relationship he fears he will ruin."

Gosh, I just never even realized this could be a possibility but now I'm feeling in my gut it might be a lot closer to the truth. Again, you helped me immensely to understand his "place" in "his" world and yes, I think we could discuss our wedding day sometime and probably I could show him some pictures and see if it helps him remember anything specific and happy. Thanks again.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66241 - 10/26/06 07:22 PM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Maxine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/06
Posts: 5
i think i know what you are talking about when you say he doesnt remember. i have had that happen before, sometimes my boyfriend doesnt remember things that we have done that are important. i think it is the nature of the beast. i think that the stress of a big event like that can stir up all kinds of fears and memories, even subconciously. his brain is trying to protect him...what i mean is, he has had a traumatic past, and his brain copes with that in different ways. it can be repression or other behaviors. but when his brain senses a high level of stress, i think it kind of blocks memory formation-to protect itself. i am sure that your husband Wants to remember, it may just be that he is dealing with his past. it shouldnt mean he doesnt love you or anything like that. try looking at the wedding photos or tell him the "story" of your love. make new memories \:\)


Top
#66242 - 10/26/06 07:47 PM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I talked about this some yesterday with my counselor and she said that the brain may go into autopilot and just automatically suppress/block/dissociate things out. This only causes me more distress because it illustrates how traumatized he has been and I hurt for him so much it kills me.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#66243 - 10/26/06 08:38 PM Re: Husband does not remember our wedding day
Angry Wife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/22/06
Posts: 19
Loc: Ft. Lauderdale Florida
Brokenhearted

I have benn married to my husband for 17 yeears now. About 3 years ago he started acting very strangly. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong with him. We would have conversations that when repeated he would say I vever said that. He has been in construction since he was 14 years old. Now while working on a job, he can not remember how to do the job. He said his mind goes blank. I got him to the Doctor and they ran all kinds of blood work. Me, thinking when we go back the Doctor would be able to tell us what was wrong. We went back for results and everything was normal. I just started to cry hysterically. Now, the Doctor thought I was crazy. When we got in the car my husband said I am fine, you act like I am dieing. I said I'm sorry but if everything is fine. Then, what is going on with you? It was a couple of months after that, that he told me what had happened to him. But I still thought something might be wrong because of his memory loss. Then I thought I bet he needs an MRI. So I got him to the neurologist and told him what was going on. So they did an MRI and an EEG. Everything came back normal. I beleive that while he is trying to go through life right now as normal as possible. That for the last 3 years
his abuse has been heavily on his mind and his brain kicked in on cruise control to go on as usual while he was away in thought. And I think that is why memory have dissapeared. I beleive those memoroies are still there. Just give them time to resurface. Long letter but hope it helps. But it is nice to know that he is not crazy, just healing...
~Tricia

_________________________
America needs to wake up!

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.