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#6618 - 09/21/02 06:00 AM Scared and Alone
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I am feeling really bad. I am so totally alone right now, i still have no friends willing to listen to me except here. I started a support group, but it is a 40 minute to an hour drive from where i live, and as of yet, there are only two other people in it. The freeways drive me bonkers, if there is anything such as a physical metaphore for the rat race, the freeways are it.

I sent my dad an angry letter, telling him if he wants to commit suicide in prison, that is his choice, just like it was his to wind up there in the first place. He likes to drop little hints that if only i would write him more, he would have a reason to keep going. I basicly told him to go fuck himself. I barely know him, yet he helped ruin my life. So maybe i just told him that his only link to life is severed, i am not his savior. But i cant help feeling like i am condemning him to death. I have every right to be angry, he gave me waking nightmares where i check my arms for track marks, because i am sure i am turning into him.

I am putting so much pressure on myself, maybe i just need to ease off. Let it all go for a little while. But it is hard to do that without getting depressed. I lost sight of something and i dont know how to get it back. I have to try and relax this weekend, to stop driving myself bonkers. step one is getting some sleep i suppose, i hope im not out of whack again. goodnight everybody.


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#6619 - 09/22/02 09:59 PM Re: Scared and Alone
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
my dad is a scumbag. he doesnt have any answers, and if he does, he isnt going to share them with me. think before you side with a drug dealing basterd like him. maybe you would think the same way if he was selling herion to someone close to you? fuck him, he is the one who wants to die, so let him die. im supposed to be his savior now? Most of the time, i have a hard time figuring out why i still want to live. right now i dont, right now i want to die. it will get better, yeah right. im starting to think thats bullshit. is anyone here better yet?


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#6620 - 09/22/02 11:22 PM Re: Scared and Alone
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
okay, one and a half cents worth: I am better. I mean I'm not "fixed" or perfect, but I'm decidedly better than I was eight months ago. Light years ahead in fact. Do I still have major lows, yes. But I'm getting better.
I can't tell you what to do with your dad because I don't know him. I do know "New To This" meant well, but if your dad is a toxic person then you may certainly want to steer the hell clear of him. His toxicity is part of what's making you doubt everything right now. Feel like it's hopeless.
You're not your dad. You don't have to have a hopeless life like your dad. And you can get better. It's a fact. You can. And if saying "fuck my dad" helps, then say it. I've been cursing my mother for half a year. Feels great. She's trying so hard to drag me down with her. But one day I woke up and knew solidly that I didn't have to go down with her. It wasn't written in any damn cards and her shit was her problem. After that, I tell you I felt a whole hell of a lot better. And I've felt better ever since.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#6621 - 09/22/02 11:54 PM Re: Scared and Alone
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Kevin,

Yeah, you do get better,, you are healing too, i see it, ok?

The road has some ups and downs and at times feels like a damn roller coaster, but your still moving ahead, honest,, just ride this rough spot out and dont get so stuck on it, ok? Its like baseball, one at bat or one game or even one series or even one season does not mean a whole lot to your lifetime stats, ok?

Chill some, its gonna be ok, it is getting better, you are healing.

Hugs dude, Love you,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#6622 - 09/23/02 02:42 AM Re: Scared and Alone
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
im sorry, i didnt mean to snap, i know you meant well, right now it just feels like there is no up. I just want something to go right. It has been almost half a year and i still feel like i am exactely where i started. The thought of having to go through this for however much longer it takes to get better is overwhelming, it feels like my life is ticking away and my vitality is like sand spilling out of a broken hourglass. I dont have the sense of immortality most guys my age do, i know in another nine years my body will begin to slow down, another 40 or fifty after that, wither and die. I know that every second i spend wishing it was so is a second i could have spent doing something, but i swear it is incredible how daunting it is just to move. I have nothing to do, and nobody to do it with. I feel like the inertia i have is so strong that i can never start moving, and when i do, i get scared and stop. It isnt fair, i know i can do it, but my mind wont let me! Its like i just cant finish. I sat and watched myself lose at chess recently, i watched the tight, if struggling, game i play, right up to the very end, then i watch myself make errors that are so obvious that i can almost feel myself delibrately sabotage myself. I feel less like i am playing a game than waiting to fail. My whole LIFE IS LIKE THAT!

I want my dad to rot. In a fantasy world, it would be nice if he broke down, confessed, filled in all the gaps in my memory, quit drugs, and went on to become a famous writer and painter in prison, but its not going to happen, just like my mother is probably never going to confess to what she did. If there is something missing in my mind, (it sure feels like it) then i just hope that it will come out sometime. But what i would really like to know, is how do i help myself? I have tried and tried, but i just dont know how to make this mess into something worth having. I feel like if i died tommorow, i would dissapear, it would have been like i was never there. That is what is making me sad right now, that i seem fated to vanish without a trace. Nobody seems to care that i am feeling bad, nobody is coming to my side and saying, hey, cmon, lets go do something to cheer you up. I dont even have the fuck up friends who would take you out for a beer and take you to mexico to pick up a hooker. Im not going anywhere with this, and its a tangent, so im just going to stop.


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#6623 - 09/23/02 07:20 AM Re: Scared and Alone
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
not a tanget, a very clear call of frustration and pain. I feel this exact way many times myself. But the fact you're even expressing it here (I kept these destructive thoughts entirely to myself for years) is a big step forward. Maybe you can find someone else to talk to as well. A group, AA, therapist. AA can be really helpful, and it's practically free.

keep talking. we're here.

lol,

Al

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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