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#6602 - 04/17/03 09:21 PM Thinking about disclosing...
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I am thinking about telling my uncle about my abuse. He was not involved and is a good man. I live with him, and trust him, and I feel like he has a right to know.

Of course, I am hesitant, because it is a huge and scary step to take. I have read the article here about disclosure though and it helped. \:\)

I think that he would be supportive. The perp was his sister (my mother) but I know that he does not support her or her actions. She has been involved in drugs, crime, prostituion, etc. and I know that he disapproves. I think he cares for her to some extent but I am fairly certain he would take my side.

He definitely knows she has the capacity to abuse. He knows that she physically abused me and my sister. This is in our records and is pretty common knowledge. However, he does not know that she commited incest on me or that she prostituted me. Only a very few people know about that.

I am unsure whether I should disclose everything at once or do it bit by bit. I have three eras to discuss. Childhood (perp = my mother), adolesence (perp = new stepdad) and early adulthood (perps = prison inmates.) I feel as if it might be too much to give him all this at once but I also feel that I may not be able to close the floodgates once I open them.

I guess I am looking for some advice before I go ahead and do this...

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#6603 - 04/17/03 09:53 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Sick Puppy:

Your uncle sounds like a real stand up guy and for you, who have been through so much, to trust him is a huge plus for doing what you are thinking of doing.
I now know the problems you have faced as does he. There is a trust there on his part to.

Only you can make the decision sick puppy but by your de>
_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#6604 - 04/17/03 11:45 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Sick Puppy,

I think you'll have to "play it by ear" or "listen to your heart" as you talk with your uncle, both to find the right time, if you do disclose, and to know how much to tell at once.

Like Mike says, though, it sounds like your uncle is an ally. It would be nice to have someone to talk with face to face, but you need to be comfortable with your own decision.

Good luck with it.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#6605 - 04/18/03 05:58 AM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
SP It is good to have a family member to talk this over with and your uncle sounds like a good man.
Quote:
I feel as if it might be too much to give him all this at once but I also feel that I may not be able to close the floodgates once I open them.
If you are prepaired to tell all that is good but it may not all come out at once. Your uncle may have some insight into why your mother is so messed up. You could spend hours just talking about your mom and step dad. It will be good to get this all out in the open but I wouldn,t rush to tell about what happened in jail. Best of luck in your healing. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#6606 - 04/18/03 06:11 AM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
every case is different, and i know many who came out to thier family only to be rejected. however, in my case coming out with it was one of the best things i have ever done. after i told my wife, it has been easier to just be myself. i no longer had to hide and protect this big secrete from the world. i am not so secretive as a person now. i have been able to become a much happier and outgoing person. for me, it was the best thing i have ever done. it helped her understand why i was the way i am, and that understanding has helped our relationship in ways i can't measure. now there is someone i can talk to and lean on, and it really helps.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#6607 - 04/18/03 09:50 AM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Sick puppy,
The relief that you will feel telling a relative your circumstances will be overwhelming. My Perp was my uncle (fathers brother) I did not tell the surviving relative until after his death but the relief was unbelievable. Go for it, clear your mind, I hope you get the support and a gigantic hug you deserve.
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#6608 - 04/18/03 03:28 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
When I told my mother that my sister abused me, it was definitely a relief and I had a 'honeymoon phase' of feeling released from my struggle.

Unfortunately I had a lot more work to do, and still do.

I don't even know if this helps, or frankly why I am writing. I am laughing right now...I don't have a point.

I cannot fathom how difficult it will be for you or how your uncle will react, but I do know that it seems to be a part of YOUR recovery to disclose.

You should do it when you are ready, and only as much (or maybe just a LITTLE less) than you think you are ready for.

Best of luck. I have read a lot of what you post. I admire your work and your struggle.

You have been through so much, but you will have so much enjoyment of life ahead of you, because you are working now.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#6609 - 04/18/03 03:56 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I think I'm going to go try and talk to him now. He seems to be in a friendly mood today and I am getting the feeling of "now or never" because I think if I wait too long I will chicken out.

Wish me luck, guys... although I have a feeling I won't end up being able to blurt it out. \:\( \:o

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#6610 - 04/18/03 05:33 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
SP:

You may want to check out the article on
"Disclosure & Confrontation" here on this site; it has helped many myself included.

Interesting. I have an uncle whom I was once quite close to, tho we've been out of touch awhile now. His sister my mother was my primary perp. They've been in touch some on & off but last I heard not comfortably so. But our last contacts weren't all that comfortable either.

Well we all hopefully do what we need to do when we need to do it.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#6611 - 04/18/03 06:02 PM Re: Thinking about disclosing...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
'Pup
If it feels good - do it !

Why I disclosed to my wife one night about 5 years ago while we were having dinner one night is still a mystery to me, all I can say is it felt right, so it must have been the right time.

Disclosing to a family member is a powerful thing as well, I have recently told my brother about my SA and it's helped me in an entirely different way.
We go back to a time before my SA and telling him has given me an untainted connection back to that time.

Good luck with your talk, it's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it I'm sure.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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