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#66002 - 04/09/05 10:33 PM young children
man's mom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/09/05
Posts: 3
Loc: atlanta, georgia
i am leaving this site. while some were helpful, im tired of the posts from men who were so more concerned about whether i care if my son would be homosexual. any parent should wonder if their child would be gay as well as anything else. a drug abuser, a crimminal. traumatic events in your childhood will impact your adult ones. thank you for your support.


i am receiving a lot of flack from men who were molested and i would like to address the misunderstanding. i do not believe all men molested by boys will be homosexual. i do know that any form of molestation opens up a door to sexual curiosity that may remain unknown to parents. i was concerned about my son being gay because of some inappropriate behavior. i dont have a problem whether or not he is or isnt. but if he is having these feelings i would like to help him understand them. i have a gay family member and he lashed out at everyone he could because he didnt understand what was going on with himself. and i just want my son to be comfortable with himself. inner turmoil can be very destructive and lead to destructive behavior. being a victim of molestation myself, i of all people know what my son has been through.

when my son was four years old he was molested by a twelve year old male cousin of his. when my son told me we confronted the cousin, who later admitted to a therapist that he was molested when he was the same age. so now this seems to make it okay that my son was molested. i was just supposed to forget this happened and forgive this young man. also, my son as since engaged in homosexual behavior twice with two playmates. one of which was molested by another boy his age (5). i am worried that my son will be homosexual. he does like girls. he does things that boys do. but im afraid if he's around other boys the behavior will happen again. and im afraid that when another little boy wants to touch him or wants him to perform oral sex, that he is not mentally strong enough to say no.

I have never discussed this with anyone. please somone reach out and give me some advice. I am a young mother and I never thought in a million years that i would be going through something like this. i talk to my son a lot. but my mom talked to me when i was young and i didnt tell her everything.


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#66003 - 04/10/05 06:37 AM Re: young children
Peaceful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 23
My sons were both 5 when they were molested. Older son 14, ended up molesting the other son, 5yr. The older son never told anyone about his abuse until after he molested the younger son.

The oldest son definitely has more issues as a result, he's attracted to internet porn. He has dreams both homosexual and heterosexual in nature, but finds the homosexual ones disturbing.

I don't believe he is oriented toward homosexuality, but I think his has questions now about his sexual orientation because of his experience and sexual acting out.

It makes a hugh difference if they can talk about there SA. The youngest told right away. The situation was reported to the State Troopers and both my husband and I and then the oldest son were interviewed by a detective.

The youngest had to go to Stevie's place, a child advocy center where the detective interviewed which was taped during a play session. The whole visit was theraputic. It also involved a thorough physical exam where emphasis is placed on asking the child if they can touch him on his arm etc, to give the child back ownership of their body. I'm sure they also talked about safe touch and bad touch.

They gave me printed material and booklets to read for me and also to my son(S). They were very good and really made good touch/bad tough sink in for the youngest.

We've had many discussions since about what happened giving him more information about sex, touching himself and others, private parts, etc. He's 6 now and I'm impressed with what he can articulate.

What I found very helpful was talking to the parent advocate at Stevie's Place. The first time she gave me lots of information about kids who experience SA. I also had SA in my adolescence and she addressed that as well.

I've met with her twice since then. While it's not really therapy, she gives me feedback about myself, what I might find difficult as well as an opportunity to air my own feelings and struggles/conflicts about our family situation.

You may have a similar resource in your area. a child has to be referred to Stevie's Place, but anyone can talk to a Parent Advocate. They also have a Parent's Support group.

Your feelings are very understandable.

You may want to press charges. 12 yr olds are treated differently than 13 yr olds in the legal system.

You can also get therapy for your own son and yourself. But if you do, the therapist will be mandated to reportt the abuse if you haven't already. That makes seeking therapy a little tricky or at least it was for us.

I don't think the 12 yr should just get "his hands slapped". It is not a small thing that he did.

You can threaten his parents that you will press charges if they don't see out treatment for him.

(We staved off further police and Child Services involvement because we already had him set up for therapy with a counselor who specialized sex offenders.)

At the very least, the cousin should not be allow to be alone with anyone who is younger that he ever.

Perhaps your son also needs more supervision now due to his sexual exposure. There are resources for kids who act out inappropriately as well.

Good luck and don't disregard the feelings you are having about the situation. The situation is not that uncommon. You are not alone, but people tend not to talk it about so you wouldn't ever know.

Enough for now,

Peaceful


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#66004 - 04/10/05 03:17 PM Re: young children
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
The issues of SA "causing" someone to be gay has been one that has been talked out a ton here. You may want to read some of the other threads on the boards and see what the guys have said about this.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#66005 - 04/10/05 03:55 PM Re: young children
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Man's mom:
You wrote:
Quote:
my son as since engaged in homosexual behavior twice with two playmates. one of which was molested by another boy his age (5). i am worried that my son will be homosexual. he does like girls. he does things that boys do. but im afraid if he's around other boys the behavior will happen again.
Same sex behavior is not homosexual behavior. Sexual behaviors in children your son's age is called "victim reactive". It is essentially an effort to recreate the pleasurable sensations (which he does not fully understand) with other children, or it is a way to move from feeling controlled to being the one in control.

It is important that he get therapy for this problem. The best way to help him is to be supportive, reassure him it was not his fault, and bring him to a therapist or agency with experience working with abused children.

You may find a therapist in the resource directory elsewhere on this site and please read "A Consumer's Guide to Therapist Shopping."

The cousin who abused him needs help as well. Most jurisdictions do not prosecute a 12 year old but this is not about punishment. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviors but it is likely that he acted out what was done to him for the same reasons your son acts out. Prosecution, if done, is more to ensure compliance in therapy rather than punish.

Ken Singer


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#66006 - 04/10/05 06:59 PM Re: young children
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
man's mom
Quote:
I am a young mother and I never thought in a million years that i would be going through something like this.
You should be judged as a parent based on how you parent, not on your age. I know some women in their 30s and 40s who were less equipped to parent than I was at 15. I wish I had been a little more vocal and obnoxious about my rights as a parent at 15 though.

There are some folks out there who will "red flag" your son just because of something about you, but you can stand up to them. I hope it's not fear of this sort of thing that's keeping you from getting help for you and your son (or making you feel forced into forgiveness). If you want to talk about this feel free to send me a PM.

SAR


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#66007 - 04/10/05 10:29 PM Re: young children
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Mom,

Worried about your son being gay is the least of your worries. What are you truly worried about? IS it he or yourself and your standing in your family, with neighbors, or in church? It seems to me that you are more worried about yourself and what others will think than about your son when it comes to him being gay. My mother was worried, just like you, and it sent me into even deeper denial and problems. If your son is gay, then he is. The SA didn't make him that way. My mother was so worried that I didn't meet her standards that I ended up dumping my mother and keeping my life. I am much stronger now and healthier too. Your son will take his cues from you about how he should view himself. Yes this is bad but it doesnít appear, from what you have posted, to be a terrible trauma. You son needs more help with appropriate boundaries and how to play with others - the older boy needs therapy and, like the others have said, to be kept away from younger children until the problem has been dealt with. Good luck. Remember to sort out your own problems with this from what your sonís problems are. As adults we often put more into something than what children are experiencing. Adults have the big picture; often children are only concerned with the scene before them. Donít mistake your sonís emotional problems with your own through transference of your own insecurities and problems onto him.

Mark

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#66008 - 04/11/05 01:14 AM Re: young children
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
I'm a gay man, molested at age 11 by a 32 year old man. Then next morning, I sought out someone I *thought* would help me make sense of it - a Christian man, who spiritually raped me when he made me believe that God hated me because I was an "abomination" - "See, it says so right here in Leviticus & Romans."

The shame that was ground into my soul by that "good Christian" was FAR MORE DAMAGING THAN THE ABUSE ITSELF !!! It was that shame that robbed me of my childhood and a major part of my adulthood (I'm 49 now).
Quote:
i dont have a problem whether or not he is or isnt.

i am worried that my son will be homosexual. he does like girls. he does things that boys do.
You don't have a problem with it, but you are worried he'll be gay ? Well, which is it ? And that bit about liking girls and doing "boy" things is you projecting your own gender-stereotyped expectations onto your son. He may be gay and still grow up to be the "manliest" man you could imagine, or he may be straight and grow up to be a musician, or artist or *GASP* even an interior decorator.

Man's Mom, you truly do sound like you want to do what's best for your son, but please realize that you have your own stuff to work through here, especially around what it means to be a "man".

I'm going to ask you one hellaciously tough question : Can you love your son unconditionally, REGARDLESS of his sexual orientation - straight, bi, or gay - and what his interests / activities are - "manly", neutral, or "womanly" ?

=====

As a footnote, I struggled terribly with separating my abuse from my orientation, but I can truthfully say that I am a gay man confident in his orientation, even though I still have trouble acting out in the context of being gay. Sexual orientation, and SA-based sexual acting-out are two DIFFERENT things.


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#66009 - 04/11/05 10:56 AM Re: young children
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Maybe this link might be worth a read

http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-0801-toni2.html

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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