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#65924 - 04/04/05 07:29 PM My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Peaceful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 23
I have been dealing with a family situation for several months now. The crisis is over but we are still dealing with the aftermath and most of the family are in various forms of therapy..

Briefly, my 14 yr old son molested our 5 yr old son while my dh and I were out (on a date).. We found out about it right away as the 5 yr old told us as soon as we come home. Turns out my older son was molested when he was 5 by a neighborhood boy who was also 14. He quickly forgot it until a year so ago when he watched a crime show that focused on child molestation, but never said anything to anyone about his own abuse.

It is striking how the oldest reenacted his own abuse.

My dh and I went to marital counseling for all this stress on top of our own marital difficulties and the t was compelled to report the abuse to Child Services and who in turn contacted the state troopers.

We had to talk to the detective and the youngest went to Stevie's Place to be interviewed and then the oldest was then interview by the detective. My youngest had a very good experience at Stevieís Place (a place where they interview children who have been sexually abuse and it is taped such that the child only has to be interviewed once and the tape is shared among the various involved agencies. Speaking to the detective was difficult since I didnít want to ďratĒ on my oldest son or have what I said be used against him. Nothing like having 3 agencies and ~10 professionals suddently involved with your family.

At this point no charges have been filed against him and itís close to two months.

The oldest is in therapy that utilizes Relapse Prevention. I am struggling with seeing my oldest as a ďPerpetratorĒ and wondering if this is the right therapy for him reacting to the restrictions placed on our family and him as a result. i.e. oldest canít be alone with another child one under 12. So he canít go to friends who have younger siblings in the home unless we disclosed the situation with the parents so they can provide adequate supervision. Right now we not disclosing much to other people.

Heís been treated for depression that occurred following the incident and is doing better now since heís been on Prozac. Heís also back on his ADD meds and now his school work is doing better. He had been failing before.

Perhaps as a positive result, Iíve started dealing with my own SA as an adolescent.. My tendency was to discounted it thru the years telling myself that it wasnít such a big deal. No penetration occurred, it wasn't that bad, etc.

I've come to realize that the SA probably accounts for my difficulties in responding positively sex and intimacy. Sigh. So Iím working on that at the same time. I'm looking forward to the fruit of all this difficult internal work, but it is a taxing process.

I guess Iíll stop here for now. Glad to have found this forum.


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#65925 - 04/04/05 09:03 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
I am so sorry for you. The pain must be tremendous. Your son is reacting to his abuse. As a child that was abused and also acted out sexually with other children may I suggest that you believe in him - do not label him or allow others to label him, as a perp. Make sure your sons know that you love them. As a child I acted out by engaging in sexual play with other children. As an adult I can tell you that in no way was I a perp! Young minds do not know how to handle these problems. My SA left we thinking that this was how people related to each other when they liked them. I would make sure that you find counseling that does not consider your son as a perp, but rather as a victim; a victim trying to deal with his own trauma. Your son was reacting to the confusion of his own abuse and the changes in his own sexual identity. You are wise to be careful. Make sure that your son knows that you are protecting him until his therapy is over. Do not label him or let others label him - the result could be very bad. He has enough problems as it is with ADD - I know, I have ADD too. It is bad enough dealing with ADD and just wanting to be "normal" without this too. Don't forget that part of the problems with ADD is problems with appropriate boundaries and impulsiveness. Add that to his SA and it is easy to understand his behavior. Don't forget to help the boys heal together, to heal their relationship. And do not, do not blame yourself. It is not your fault; it is not your fault for going out that night. Believe in yourselves as parents, believe in your children. Be careful, proceed carefully, and fight for both of your sons. Itís too bad the cops had to get involved. Personally, with all of the horror stories about Child Protective Services, I wouldn't let them within an inch of my home.
Also, don't forget your own needs to deal with your SA too. Your children are very lucky to have you as a parent - you are acting, not reacting.

Mark

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#65926 - 04/04/05 09:44 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Firstly, I do not consider your older son to be a perp, kids maybe act out, especially after being abused, it is not a specific indicator of future behaviour.

It is good that you have been strong, and it so easy to blame yourself, CSA, can cause a child to have abnormal sexual feelings through being abused themselves, I just hope that he can be treated for this.

I hope that he is not treated as a perp, and rather, a victim of past SA, I know that the police were involved, but I do not think it should lead to any convictable offense.

This is what I think, he was abused at 5 by a 14yo, so maybe he has bottled it up for 9yrs, it maybe caused his attention difficulties.

I do not know this age of 5yo, but I was abused by a predator at age 10yo with my brother who was only 5yo, on the same occasion, and my brother got through it a lot better than I did, but he does have problems.

The problems are never talked about, but he is like my twin, we have grown so close in life, maybe it was because I protected him from this man, and did all the work.

Please do not label your son, he is too young for that, be there, and be strong for him, and listen to all that he is willing to tell you.

I hope this all works out fine,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#65927 - 04/04/05 11:22 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Peaceful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 23
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I have reflected too that maybe some of my son's ADD symptoms might be related. He is very absentfinded and not very connected to his physical surroundings. He also started cutting himself a couple of weeks ago as a release for all that he was feeling.

It's as if a part of him stopped developing and is still at a 6 year old's mindset, and hasn't developed the organizational skills life requires nor social awareness. I can't say I'm the best example though.

Part of me feels stuck back at 15yrs when my SA occurred.


I also appreciated the post of healing between my sons as well, tho it's more of a need for my oldest son due to the complexity of his mixed emotions (shame, etc).


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#65928 - 04/05/05 04:21 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hello Peaceful, and welcome to MS.

I understand how you can wish all the attention would go away-- the professionals, agencies, restrictions on your son, etc. But abuse and shame thrive in silence. As difficult as your situation is now, your boys are being spared years of carrying a terrible secret.

Your younger child will do better because he was believed and given help and support. I'm sure he cares very much about his big brother and is also scared and overwhelmed by the changes in your lives. He may need it reinforced as your family moves through recovery that his disclosure was NOT the cause of his brother's problems such as cutting, ADD-- the descent of professionals upon the house are not that little one's fault any more than the abuse was his fault-- that telling was very brave, and the right thing to do.

Your older child has a chance to get good help for his problems with boundaries and social awareness now, and he can process his shame and guilt before he moves on through puberty and into adulthood. Some survivors who act out as your son did spend years being afraid they are perpetrators at heart... avoid being close to, or even having, their own children, develop intimacy issues, withhold disclosure of their own abuse because they fear discovery of the acting out-- hopefully your son's therapy can give him the confidence and awareness he needs so that he can reconcile with his brother and himself now.

Take care of yourself and your family.

SAR


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#65929 - 04/16/05 06:26 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Peaceful,Your personal message to be the other day will be saved in my computer forever. Thank you for taking the time from all your personal issues and responding to mine. It is a gift that I can only hope to be able to repay.

I pray that the recovery journey will be a journey of both family and individual revovery. I personalyy am having to learn how to play and laugh. As much help as my therapist and the meds have been, nothing compares to learning from my 5 yr old daugther. That is until I start to feel guilty about not being the perfect dad for her.

Please fin a great attorney if the authorities try to do something stupid with yur older son. Not only wouold it hurt him, it would destroy your 5yr old (my opinion). I am not a particylarly religious person, but yu and your family are in my prayers!

Danny


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#65930 - 04/17/05 02:53 AM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Peaceful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 23
Splitting, Thanks for your words. It helps knowing one is not the only one going thru rough times.

Here's an update on our situation.

The probation dept called on Friday to set up a meeting to talk with us and our older son T. I was hoping that they wouldn't get involved.

But it sounds like the legal system here for juveniles is geared towards getting kids into treatment rather than being punitive and punishment oriented.

The probation officer knew of some other t who dealt also with sexual offenders. The system here has opted for early intervention and so they are following up on first time offenses rather than taking a watch and see attitude. In the long run I see that this is a good thing.

So I found another t who seems deal more with the individual and their needs rather than just having therapy which follows a program. She seem open to addressing some of his ADD symptoms, problems with impulse control as well the porn issues.

The probation office also said that porn and sexual offenses so hand in hand. I am surprised that Relapse Prevention therapy doesn't deal more with the porn issue. It's as if since porn is legally sanctioned, or at least not illegal - other than for minors, it is not addressed in therapy even tho it seems to be a treatment issue to me since it seems that the porn fuels the sexually acting out and the fantasy life.

So we'll change t next month provided it seems to be a good fit between my son and the t who is female. Hopefully, that won't make too much difference.

Probation would like entail mandatory treatment, a curfew and maybe community service and maybe other stipulations, all which would be OK. My son has a hard time adhering to the limits that we set so some external boundaries and consequences would probably be helpful as well.

Itís been a lot to deal with the past two months, but good things have come out of it. I'm dealing with my own CSA of which has drastically affected my marriage, ways that weren't entirely apparent to me until recently. My DH is also dealing with his own mid-life crisis and good things are coming out that.

I suppose my son has been mirroring our marital difficulties. Thankfully, for his sake we found out right away before behavior patters were set for both sons.

I'm not sure where the journey will take us, but at least we're not stuck like we were before all this happened.

So for now I am,

Peaceful


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#65931 - 04/18/05 02:25 AM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks for the update.

Here are my thoughts on the porn. It is a sexual addiction. Your son probably has problems feeling unless something is sexualized. As with any additction, it will only grow and become more intense. The abuse of his younger brother is not a result of the porn per se, but rather a continuation and progression of the addiction cycle. I am sure the therapist will work through all of this.

My wife and I are struggling. She informed me today that she did not know if she could stay. Her hurt is just too deep. She is giving our relationship until the end of the year. After an afternoon of crying and sobbing, I am as depressed as ever. Please say a prayer for my family.

Danny


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#65932 - 04/18/05 08:47 PM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
(Glad you're feeling) Peaceful,

Good for you:
Quote:
It's as if since porn is legally sanctioned, or at least not illegal - other than for minors, it is not addressed in therapy even tho it seems to be a treatment issue to me since it seems that the porn fuels the sexually acting out and the fantasy life.

So we'll change t next month provided it seems to be a good fit between my son and the t
I'm surprised at that too. It sounds like you did the right thing to find a therapist who won't be dismissive of your concerns about all aspects of your son's life.

I was also an oldest child who had trouble with the limits my parents set for me-- what I can see now is that I was mostly looking for a committment to me-- especially where discipline was concerned-- the amount of freedom I was given as a kid felt more like they were just sort of done raising me and had cut me loose. Even if your 14 year old rebels and acts like he doesn't want to obey your rules, I would bet an awful lot that he wants to you lay them down. (I remember asking my father to be stricter with me in a family therapy session-- his reply was basically "We don't trust you to follow the rules so we aren't going to bother making them"-- and then I got ragged on by the other teens in the group)


Splitting
Would it help your wife to read/post here?

I did not give my boyfriend a deadline, but to be honest I pretty much had one set in my head-- and the timing seems about the same-- but I was certainly not expecting healing to be done in a matter of months. What I really wanted was reassurance that I wouldn't have to worry about certain behaviors indefinitely. It may be that your wife is willing to work with you on some issues past the end of the year if she can get some safety and closure on others. My thoughts are with your family,

SAR


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#65933 - 04/20/05 04:38 AM Re: My family situation: abuse bet my sons
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
Thanks SAR.

I have offered this site to her. It is now up to her to participate


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