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#65870 - 04/02/05 08:15 PM Re: How can i help my son?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi glaukos's dad.

You are being very kind and considerate to your son to keep everything where he can see it-- I'd suggest if either or both of you are going to keep using the site, you set some "ground rules" for the site though-- for example, maybe you promise not to bring up what you read here unless he gives you permission? Whatever works for you and your family. If you're seeing or starting to see a professional, he or she could help you work that out. Also, the moderators here can help you if you have any questions or concerns about the site.

If you do a web seach for "secondary survivors" you will find some good articles about what to do and how you may feel when someone close to you has been abused.

You are already doing the most important thing you need to do-- believe him. Listen to him. Let him know you are on his side and will fight for him. I am a parent too and I know it seems impossible that you would have ever done anything but that for your son-- but it is a real fear for survivors and he might need a lot of reassurance.

Also he may be afraid, as my partner was, that after he told, your relationship would change. Your son might fear that you won't see him the same way anymore, or that your emotions will be overwhelming-- and he doesn't want to be the cause of your pain and guilt. Remember, the pain and guilt belong only to his abusers-- he didn't cause it and you didn't either. Make some time to do the lighthearted, loving things you've always done together-- movies, sports, whatever. Don't let this affect what's really important. That's probably the best thing you can do to help him feel safe.

Good luck to you all.
SAR


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#65871 - 04/02/05 10:14 PM Re: How can i help my son?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I am sorry to hear about glaukos,

I have tried to give him some support as an older abuse survivor.

I am glad you are taking concern in your boy, and I do hope you have his express permission to ask for advice on this site.

If I remember, he said this was still going on in his life, I hope that has now stopped.

As a father to a young boy who has gone through this, I would say one thing, and that is, give him time to tell you, or not tell you.

It is never so easy for someone so young to say what really happened. It is so easy for parents to pry too far into what the boy wants to let out, but tell him you are there for him.

I would say one thing, and that is, never be overprotective, I say that, because it can feel so negative in a young boy, because he needs to find himself, and that is not easy for any father to consider, but give him space.

A therapist maybe a good idea, but only if he agrees to it, and he is ready to talk in therapy.

Try to be a normal family, and do not think that his feelings will just go away, he will have fears and other feelings.

The one feeling I always remember was the thought of catching a disease, which should be addressed at an early stage.

I do not know how old your boy is, but I do know he is hurt, and it is a deep sadness for us all, but we can help, if we can,

I ask you only this one thing, do not blame your son for what happened to him, it was never his fault, he will have so much worry on thinking that somehow he invited this, and will feel the guilt and shame of being involved in something entirely out of his control.

And it can lead to trauma and depression in childhood.

All I ask, is that you look at your boys last post in the forum, and see how frightened he must have been.

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#65873 - 04/03/05 04:21 AM Re: How can i help my son?
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
i jus wanted 2 say i no where ur comming from n i think ur doing a good job. I myself have gone thu it n now i a father of 5 kids (4 boys) n i would probally think the same way u did. I no it mus b hard 4 u but i no both of u can do it. If u ever need anything or wanna talk, i here. -Donnie


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#65874 - 04/03/05 05:17 AM Re: How can i help my son?
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Dear Glaukos Dad,

WHen I read you post this morning, I cried because my dad was in the same situation you are feelings except for mine happened about 40 years ago and I just told him 4 months ago.

I went over to tell him and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My doctor was the first one I told, my dad and I have the same Dr. The Dr told me that I was not to tell my dad because he has severe heart problems and if I told him he could have a heart attack and die.

What a terrific burdon to carry around. I did it any way though and he didn't have a heart attack, in fact we have a more open relationship then we ever had.

It has been hard for both of us in the last few months, and now I can look in his eyes and not feel ashemed, I feel strength. He is an encouragement to me.

We are working on this together and I love him very much. I don't know you or your son, but the way you care for your son sounds like the way my dad cared for me whem I told him, you will get through it together.

My peace to you and your family.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#65875 - 04/03/05 12:25 PM Re: How can i help my son?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dear Glaukos Dad, I read your post above, and I immediately thought, hey what a great understanding man.

You understand so much of your sons needs, and not prying or making the ground rules for him, will make it so much easier.

It must have took a great deal of courage, for your son to even tell you what he has, and the past four years must have been hell, both for him and for your family.

You found so much out in the chat, Theo is a great man of understanding, I myself never visit the chat, as there is a huge gap in the time difference of my country, and my browser does not really support the java needed to use chat.

You can usually find the answers to a lot of things that can be so troublesome, in these events, without you looking through all the books available.

I can recommend two good books;-

Victims no longer - Mike Lew
Abused boys - Mic Hunter
Should be available on Amazon.

Your son will have lifted a huge burden, but there will still be a lot of hurt to be addressed, but it is vital to give him space when he needs it, and deal with it, at his own pace.

Dealing with it at an early stage, is far better than not dealing with it, I hope that you both gain strength through all you have each been through.

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#65876 - 04/03/05 03:16 PM Re: How can i help my son?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Glaukos' Dad:
If you pm me with the area where you live (nearest cities of size that are commutable for seeing a therapist) I may be able to recommend someone with experience in this area. In any event, this is not a "do-it-yourself" project.

See http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/consumer.htm for some help in finding someone appropriate.

Be there for him, don't push too hard, know when to back off, and have a positive attitude that it will get better. Remember, being a teenager is tough enough under the best of circumstances. This problem adds to it but you will survive.
Ken


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#65878 - 04/03/05 07:19 PM Re: How can i help my son?
stride Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Dear Glaukos and Glaukos' Dad,

I have read all of both of your posts, each of which has had a huge impact on me emotionally and spiritually, from the very painful to the beautiful, healing and hopeful/inspiring. I am crying right now with both the utter anguish that any of this stuff ever happens to anyone, but also with joy and relief at knowing you have each other and are there for each other.

You are so incredibly blessed to have the kind of relationship you appear to: Glaukos, to have the kind of loving, respectful, supportive, trustworthy and emotionally available father you seem to have; and, Glaukos' Dad, to have the incredibly courageous, very special son that you are so clearly blessed with.

I don't know what else to say right now that hasn't been said here already.

You are not alone and we are all here for you, survivors, partners and friends alike.
God Bless you both and your family as a whole.

Stride

_________________________
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

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#65880 - 05/30/05 09:03 PM Re: How can i help my son?
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
JT and Ella,

U have a fine son who cares about u both. Kevin has a lot on his plate and both of U do also.

The support u give him to help him get better is the best care anywhere. The support of mom and dad is crutial to the understand and healing process. it is a hard road though, my parents are 71 and 75 and are dealing with me with the same issues and we have become closer in our relationshp.

Keving love u both very much. We make it everyday with our friends and family and our brothers here at MS

Kevin's friend Jim \:\)

Kev, share this with your mom and dad if u want, it is cool with me.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#65881 - 05/30/05 09:49 PM Re: How can i help my son?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hey JT, Kev thinks more than the World of you and his family, and it sure is cool to have a dad to talk to about issues that hurt.

A lot of guys dont have a dad who they can turn to, and I know you sure got mad at some things that happened recently, but you took the hurt away, not forgetting Mike, his big bro.

He loves you both and he just wants you to be the way you were with him, and just let him be himself and enjoy his family and his life, and just be the real Kev who he is meant to be,

I am sure he brings you joy in your family,

thnx,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#65882 - 05/30/05 10:59 PM Re: How can i help my son?
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Glaukos and his dad:

I am so moved by the courage that the both of you have shown....Glaukos, for telling your dad what happened and dad, for being so understanding and supportive.

To Glaukos' dad: Always make him know that you are there for him and continue to remind him that he is a good human being who didn't deserve what happened, but you will do whatever is needed to help him work through this.

To Glaukos: I can't imagine how much strength it took for you to go to your dad and tell him. It sounds like you have a great relationship as father and son and that will go a long way in helping you to heal. Your dad may not always understand how you feel inside (some things can't be understood unless they go thru it themselves).

Ken Singer's link will hopefully help you both find the resources that you need. We are all behind you, supporting you in whatever you need.

Sophiesdad

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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