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#65792 - 04/27/03 07:58 PM Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I was speaking the other night to one of the survivors in the chatroom (Mikechurch?), and the discussion turned to "comfort objects". Several in the room said that they had now in adulthood, or had in the past, stuffed "buddies" that they would hang onto at night when the dreams got bad.

I wanted to give my friend a "buddy" like that. I shopped around, but didn't see anything that suited the purpose, so I thought I would try to sew one myself instead. Maybe it will also mean more to him if I make it myself. I found a "Simplicity" pattern today that looks like it might work. It is an "Animal Pillow" - kind of like a small body-pillow, except with head and legs, so that it would be big and squeezable.(My friend is about 6'3", so a tiny buddy isn't going to work.)

I'm going to play with the pattern to see if I can get the floppy ears on the dog version to look more like a wolf's, since there is talk of a wolf mascot for the site. I'll let you know if I have any success :rolleyes:

Sorry, if this seems to be all about "me", but I figure, if I can't help him directly right now, then I need to work on how "I" feel. Maybe working on this project will help me focus my energy, and give me something to "Do" instead of being frustrated, while I standby and wait for him.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65793 - 04/27/03 08:02 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
That's an incredibly sweet idea!

He is lucky to have a friend like you. \:\)

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#65794 - 04/28/03 09:39 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
I agree with puppy! That is one of the kindest gestures to make. I sleep with a stuffed piggy now myself and I gave one to my BF while he is away at school. I usually have my arm wrapped around that thing all night and I haven't held a stuffed animal since my turtle when I was about 6 or 7.

It is very comforting to me. Makes me feel like a little kid again too. Some of my friends think I'm a little flakey of course... but then they did before they saw it \:D

You've got a wonderful heart!


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#65795 - 04/29/03 03:32 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
very cool...will you make one for me?

\:\) just kidding, my wife would kill me!

James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#65796 - 04/29/03 06:05 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
James:
Get your wife to make you one too.

aaaaaaawwwwwwwhhhhhooooooo

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#65797 - 04/29/03 07:52 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Post the pattern ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65798 - 04/29/03 09:10 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I haven't started yet, but this is the pattern I am using. Simplicity 8932




_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65799 - 06/03/03 11:47 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Here it is - I finished it this evening. God, I hope he likes it.

Now I have to figure out what I'm going to say in the letter, before I take it to the post office tomorrow. :rolleyes:

[img]http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SgDiAgoXb...424682398867942[/img]
[img]http://groups.msn.com/_Secure/0SgDjAgsXt...424682499433806[/img]

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65800 - 06/04/03 08:51 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Kathy - It is great! I hope you keep the letter simple, something like "Here he is as promised. Wishing you the best always. Kathy" You did a great job! Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#65801 - 06/04/03 11:18 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
DoctorFrau'

Boy am I glad to see it. It will be his buddy and demon killer. Good for you. Keep the letter simple and direct. Got my fingers crossed for you

Mike


AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOPPPPPEEEEEEEEEE

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#65802 - 06/04/03 07:42 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

How can he not like that !

Dave \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65803 - 06/04/03 09:07 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
Wow -- I'm impressed. I like what you did with the ears. What a great idea for a gift!

-BB.


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#65804 - 06/10/03 10:40 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Well, the UPS package tracker-thingy says that it was delivered on Friday. At least he didn't refuse it or send it back. :rolleyes:

I did include a letter and tried to keep it brief (which is a struggle for me, because I am notoriously long-winded :rolleyes: ) I said something to the effect that I made this for him and I hoped that it could be the friend to him that I had failed to be. That it was a good listener and didn't eat much, and was much better at obedience than I was. I also included a picture of me getting my white coat at the school ceremony and wished that he could have been there. (He was a major inspiration for me going to Med School)

So anyway, the saga is over for now. I just don't want him to hate me or think I am a wierdo-stalker. (And BB, I relate to your BF accusing you of harrassing him by phone)

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65805 - 06/10/03 11:29 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Doc:

God bless you for what you have done. I do not suspect the saga is over. Just be patient. Would that more of us had caring people like you.

I gotta howl for that


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOEEEEEEE

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#65806 - 06/10/03 12:53 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Doctorfrau,

I think you handled it beautifully. It was (is) a very nice gift, and your letter sounds light and humorous.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#65807 - 06/10/03 04:23 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 91
Loc: Michigan
I think that was a lovely thing you did, making and sending that to him. What a joy to see the photo, I've been wondering and waiting to see the outcome of your prject. I hope it will bring some dialogue for you, I really do. And congrats too, Doctor!

Kathy


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#65808 - 06/10/03 05:00 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU DID REALLY WELL!!

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#65809 - 06/10/03 05:21 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
"DOCTOR - DOCTOR"

\:\) \:D \:\) \:D \:\) \:D

dAVE

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65810 - 06/12/03 10:43 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Beautiful stuffed animal! I bet you could sell those!!!


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#65811 - 06/16/03 06:09 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
The package was returned today, unopened.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65812 - 06/16/03 08:21 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
stpbb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 103
ugh. that stinks. I can only imagine how you feel based on my own experiences of having efforts unappreciated & communication cut off. I don't even really know how to respond -- it is just a real stinker of a letdown. I hope you're doing well with everything else you've got going on.

-BB.


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#65813 - 06/16/03 08:27 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
I guess he isn't ready yet--but keep it, when he is ready he will treasure that.

Bob

How do you do med school and make things like that?

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#65814 - 06/16/03 09:17 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Well, no offense to anyone but your friend SUCKS doctorfrau!

I'd have eaten something like that up in a second! That has to be one of the cutest stuffed animals I've seen in agaes... ('cept my piggy! :p )

Your friend may or may not ever come around... and that doesn't matter because you've done more in that one gesture than most people ever do. Be proud of what you did, both technically and compassion-wise. IMHO... YA DONE GOOD! \:\)


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#65815 - 06/16/03 09:46 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Doctorfrau,

It's really too bad that he did that. I hope you are proud of the effort you put into such a beautiful gift. If it really is the thought that counts, well, it took a lot of thinking to make something so beautifully unique. Maybe your friend isn't quite ready.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#65816 - 06/16/03 10:33 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
DF

I echo what Bob says. Keep it. He might come around.

Be proud of yourself. It is a work of art and I know all the love and concern that went into it's creation.

I wish that there were more like you for us in this world.

Please do not be disheartened. Give it some time.

Mike

It is better to try than to do nothing

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#65817 - 06/17/03 02:18 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
I AM disheartened. And I am TIRED. Every time I let my guard down and allow myself to "hope", I get kicked in the teeth. By the dates, the package had to have been sitting around for nearly a week before he sent it back. Who the hell knows -- whatever. I have never,ever been treated with such cruelty and indifference as I have by him. It confuses and discourages the hell out of me. Yesterday I cried. Today I am just numb. I don't know why I am surprised.

I signed up for a bike race in his area of Virginia in August, since I will be doing my rural rotation about 25 miles away. It so happens that the check went out in the mail yesterday -- a few hours before UPS called me that the package was returned. It's probably too late to get my $30 back. Screw him - I paid for a bike ride and dammit I'm gonna get one. I'll work out my frustration in exercise.

Whatever. The wolf is mine now. I made him and my daughters helped me stuff him. It is personal. His name is "Grrrrr", and he slept with me last night. He is furry and he smells good and he is mine.

I have a board exam to study for.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65818 - 06/17/03 04:56 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Doctorfrau
Well, you know where you stand now.

You're standing proud, you reached out, you tried, you cared. He's lost a great deal.

Love the Wolf, take care of him.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65819 - 06/17/03 11:01 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Ok, I can be a little more detached and rational now. :rolleyes:

I guess(silly me), that I expected that the situation might have changed since April when I wrote and begged him to read this site. Apparently it has not - HE has not. The only thing that has changed is ME.

The man is a medical professional and a christian, I guess I somehow expected more of him. But I suppose that wasn't fair of me to expect under the circumstances. I allowed myself to get my hopes up for a thaw - and set myself up for disappointment. But how does one maintain hope without also creating expectations? I obviously have no clue.

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65820 - 06/18/03 12:07 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
doctorfrau, the problem is his, not yours.

You know that person in Med School that you can talk to. That will never be an obstacle to your progress. You need a little special care just now. Usually the person that takes care of that in the ms is very good--after all, lots of professionals go to him/her.

You sound pretty co-dependent. That is not a dirty word, but folks throw it around every time a person does a kind deed it seems. If you have the time you might want to listen to a tape by Pia Melody, or any of the co-dep gurus. Mellody Beattie was one of the first, and her stuff is still very good.

Right now, you do need to and deserve to tend to yourself. It sounds like you are in overdrive a lot.

You are a great friend. Now, you need to be a great friend to yourself.

Peace to you.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#65821 - 06/18/03 10:42 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Thanks Bob,

Actually I "DO" take care of myself, or I wouldn't be able to do anything that I am doing. Since this forum focuses on the people that we love who are having problems, it seems that this is all we talk about here. So I can see how it might appear as if that is our whole focus in life, when it really isn't.

You asked earlier about finding the time for projects like I did - well that is part of taking care of myself. I enjoy sewing and creating - it is an outlet for me and a break from the books. I also sing in a quartet, powerwalk/jog, and just bought a used bike to ride with my kids on the rail-trails. I am also pretty selfish when it comes to sleep - if I can grab a two-hour nap, I'll durn well do it! \:D

Yeah, I guess I am often in "overdrive", but I have had to learn to be that way. My old job was an exercise in multi-tasking. Set up this test, set the timer, set up a different test while that other one is timing, and use that extra 30 seconds to get more supplies from the refrigerator. Raising three kids while working full-time and putting your husband(ex)thru graduate school teaches you that kind of stuff too. Except now I'm using that "talent" to do stuff for "me". ( me! me! me!) haha

I did read a few things about co-dependency, but I feel that most of it doesn't apply to me. As long as I keep a handle on my own needs and life, I don't think it should be considered a pathology to care and try to do kind things for people.

I have no plans to "crucify" my own life on the altar of "Geraldo's" problem. But it "is" the rejection that I have a hard time dealing with, simply because I don't understand it. I am at least learning to try not to take it so personally, and to accept the fact that he may never change his mind.

I do really appreciate all the input here \:\)

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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#65822 - 06/19/03 10:42 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Jen45 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/03
Posts: 3
Loc: Midwest
Doc, as a fellow seamstress I say what a great job! You should really be proud of it! I am so sorry he didn't appreciate it. I know what that's like.
You know the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it." Likewise, you can give someone a gift but you can't make them accept it. The Dean mentioned co dependence and I can surely admit that 10+ years ago I was a perfect example of that. I had a BF who was bipolar (which I had no concept of at the time) who was warm and fuzzy one minute and distant and angry the next. He had been a****d but I don't know if it was SA or not. I, being a sensitive and nurturing person bent over backwards thinking that if I did enough for him he would finally see what a great person I was and melt into the kind of mate I wanted. I did everything to fix his life: whatever he wanted I got for him; whoever he compared me to, I tried to to be better than her; I gave him surprise gifts; went to all of his ballgames to watch him play, etc. I wasn't happy unless I had something I was working on to help him. Not a happy life for me. Of course I failed miserably. And he hurt me many, many times and very deeply.
Flash forward to now. Yes, I have a friend very much like yours. Although we dated briefly a few years ago it has just been platonic since. He shuts me out, ignores me, etc. And coincidentally, I have a gift for him right now that I am planning to send. I know he will not thank me for it. Will I be upset? No. He will most likely not even contact me. Will I be hurt and take it personally? No. So what's the difference between then and now? Me! It took forever but I finally learned that I cannot fix anyone's life, and in some cases I may not even be able to help much at all. And so what? It doesn't mean that I am a failure as a person. I can finally let go of that feeling of responsiblity for those I love and it doesn't mean that I love them less. I still care for my friend a great deal. I just cannot expect the same from him and that's okay. I understand that he probably can't right now or maybe never. I still keep in contact with him. I will send him a birthday present and he can do whatever he likes with it. The "old me" would have put way too much emphasis on such a gift and would have hoped it would change everything. Now it's just a gesture that means that at least one friend remembers him on his birthday.
The point of my message is NOT to say "oh you're just like me". I don't know you and your friend. I am just sharing my experience and you can decide for yourself if there are any similiarities. Just don't beat yourself up over how he reacted or doubt yourself. You did a great thing. Don't go crazy trying to figure out all the "whys": "Why doesn't he treat me like he used to? Why doesn't he appreciate me? Why did we even meet if the first place?
Why can't he...?" And watch out for the "if onlys": "If only I hadn't said this or that...If only I had acted this way...If only I had been a more patient/tolerant/lively/or whatever person things wold have turned out better. You were yourself. If he doesn't appreciate you, then what should you do...change for him? Nope. You said that he was the one who inspired you to go to med school. That is wonderful by itself. Who knows maybe that's why you met him. Remember this positive result of your relationship and honor it. Maybe down the road this will lead you into using your medical background to help other SA survivors. Good luck to you. You are a good friend to him whether he knows it or not so take comfort in that.


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#65823 - 06/19/03 11:26 PM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
doctorfrau...

Respectfully, there are many things that you don't know for sure about...

First you said,

Quote:
By the dates, the package had to have been sitting around for nearly a week before he sent it back.
  • He may have struggled with opening it, or he may have been lazy in sending it back. But he DID have it for a week in his possession.


Second,

Quote:
I guess(silly me), that I expected that the situation might have changed since April when I wrote and begged him to read this site. Apparently it has not - HE has not.
  • Unless you've kept track of his IP and he is immobilized that he can sign on only a 'specific' PC, you can't say this with certainty


and finally,

Quote:
The only thing that has changed is ME.
  • There is no certainty about this. Besides, you are only responsible for YOUR change, not his.


He may never deal with his issues... however the more pressure he feels, the less likely he is to respond. You've proven that yourself again and again. ;\)


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#65824 - 06/21/03 10:26 AM Re: Stuffed Animal/Mascot?
doctorfrau Offline
Member

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Marc,

Yes, you're right. Thanks for giving it to me straight. I guess I was/am just expressing my frustration. I have no clue if he has ever come here or not. For his sake I hope he has, but there isn't anything more I can do about that.

As far as my statement about change, I meant that to be a positive. Meaning, that if nothing else- "I" have changed, so that is a good thing \:D You are right in that I can only change myself, and I think that I am doing that - or at least working on it.

I think my negativity about the whole thing now, is sort of an emotional defense. I have kept hope alive for over a year now, and it has been very painful. So I would almost rather let myself be negative than continue to hope and be hurt. I think I'd rather suture it up and let it heal, rather than leave the wound open to continued infection. I still have the results of his inspiration in my life to be thankful for. There will still always be a Geraldo-sized hole in my heart, but at least it will be healed. \:\)

Kathy

_________________________
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

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