Yes, you're right. Thanks for giving it to me straight. I guess I was/am just expressing my frustration. I have no clue if he has ever come here or not. For his sake I hope he has, but there isn't anything more I can do about that.
As far as my statement about change, I meant that to be a positive. Meaning, that if nothing else- "I" have changed, so that is a good thing
You are right in that I can only change myself, and I think that I am doing that - or at least working on it.
I think my negativity about the whole thing now, is sort of an emotional defense. I have kept hope alive for over a year now, and it has been very painful. So I would almost rather let myself be negative than continue to hope and be hurt. I think I'd rather suture it up and let it heal, rather than leave the wound open to continued infection. I still have the results of his inspiration in my life to be thankful for. There will still always be a Geraldo-sized hole in my heart, but at least it will be healed.