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#65734 - 04/22/03 12:29 PM withdraw
Knowhere Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/22/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Connecticut
i love my partner very much

but he withdraws. it seems at the worst times.

we both had sex abuse in our childhood but i am over it. his was very much worse, some of it being even as recent as 3 years ago. he is in pain a lot about it. i can understand this well. but why does he withdraw from me where i could help him?

we will live together soon and i dont know what he will do then. he cant cut off comminication one hundred percent when we are side by side. i dont understand why he does this? he knows i help him and i am safe for him.

he has account here and i have read his posts (he said this was OK) and he is doing very well here and i am glad for him. but i dont understand some behaviors he has with me.

_________________________
sincerely,
Dave

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#65735 - 04/22/03 01:29 PM Re: withdraw
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
nowhere
Abuse affects us all. Some worse than others. The withdrawal that you see is a coping mechanism and not a rejection of you. It is tough to break old habits that have become comfortable.

All you can do is be understanding and be there when he indicates a willingness to talk about it. As a survivor yourself you must recognize that support is so very very important. You say the abuse continued till 3 years ago. That is still realy fresh in his mind. Patience is a virtue believe me. As a survivor yourself you will also recognize that yyou like us are caregivers and when we cant see that we ae making a difference it is unsettling to say the least. It attacks our sense of selfworth.

The important thing is to be there as a strong shoulder when and if it is needed. And space in the comfort of your company.

Hope this helps

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#65736 - 04/22/03 08:07 PM Re: withdraw
Knowhere Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/22/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Connecticut
thank you for your response mike church.

though it frustrates me i am one hundred percent willing to stick it out! i would never stop supporting him just because sometimes i do not understand him. \:\)

though i want to know do you think it is something i do that makes him withdraw? perhaps do i flip a trigger switch? he is not usually willing to talk about this. i wonder if it is something i have done.

_________________________
sincerely,
Dave

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#65737 - 04/22/03 10:23 PM Re: withdraw
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Knowhere
I doubt if it something you do. I can almost guarantee it. Look at it this way. He copes and he trusts you enough to withdraw in your presence. Just love him and be there for him. Give it time my brother wolf.

The journey can be long for some of us. But it is well worth it. He knows he has a loving partner and you do too.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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