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#65650 - 10/16/06 02:40 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Congratulations Sis! That was a very hard thing to do and YOU did it!

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#65651 - 10/16/06 04:07 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Thank you all here at this site. Your support has meant the world to me. universal luv, Sis


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#65652 - 10/17/06 04:11 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Hey, to everyone. I thought that getting the protective order for myself and my children would give me a sense of victory and it has to a certain extent. Then finding a server to serve him in another state became challenging to me. i had to call the victims advocate to make the calls for me. I panicked!!! I was in a state of panic most of the day yesterday. I called the crisis hotline that the advocate gave me. I was afraid of the men in the house where i live. I know these young men and they would never hurt me, i have been like a second mom to them. But, i couldn't get rid of the panic. when i spoke to the advocate she asked me if i had ever had treatment for my abuse? i told her that i had been to counseling for my son years ago and i had seen a couselor recently long enough to find out what i was going through but, no. I had never had my own counseling. WHAT A CONCEPT !!! Help for me. I have my first real therapy starting friday. My son came home early yesterdy and we were able to talk. I shared openly with him about what i was going through and about my counseling. He will be home early friday to take me. When i panic, i feel the NEED to run and all i could think about was that i had to get out of here!!!!!! As the universe has set it up for me, i have no car, no money, and no way to run. Now it is time for me to face the demons from my past and to finaly help myself. I know that this is not funny but this morning as i cry, i can also laugh. My favorite saying and doing has been F off i am leaving. God is saying yes dear you are leaving. Yu are leaving on friday to see a counselor (LOL). thank yu for the support here. My god this is hard work. Sis


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#65653 - 10/18/06 07:57 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Oh, Sis.
I can completely understand why you would be laughing and crying, both.
Congratulations on getting your PO--and for being so brave to take the next steps too.
Your family will be so thrilled to have you willing to stay and face those demons.
(I had my own issues all of last week, coping with my reactions to that behavior from my bf--I got so tired of the up-and-down I just didn't want to report on it any more--so in an odd way, it is actually very helpful to me to hear you say why you have had this pattern ;\)
We all will be here cheering for you, too. I know it's not easy, but you CAN do it. We here and everyone you know from your other support sources will be on your side when you get weary.
Hooray for you!!!
Honey Girl

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#65654 - 10/19/06 03:37 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Honey Girl
Yes, i feel stronger today. I also am glad that i get to see a counselor tomarrow. Since i can't RUN i need to talk about my reasons for running, actually i feel like i need to scream it. I wasn't aware that i even had that issue, (RUNNING). I always ran from life using alcohol or anything that would make me not feel, see, touch,or smell what was going on around me. It was my ex-bf that made me see it in full swing. He lived out in the country so when i left i would usually take off down a dark road, no where to be found, or nothing to find. Lots deer, and wild animals. there was many times we would go into a city and i would make my run for it. I would wait for him to stop for a coke or something and i would sneak away. I had made him pull over at truck rest and let me out and i would ask someone to give me a ride 4 hours away. the last time i ran, i really ran to another state and here i am. I believe i was in the crisis state of my recovery. My bf and my Dr. figured out that i had other issues besides the drinking. At first i told them no way. but one thing led to another and i was forced to see the damage tht was caused me by my abuse. My ex-bf talks to me most everyday, he truly is a great person and has helped me through my really hard times, even when i would run he would somehow find me and help me. He has had his limit though and now that i know that my behavoir has been so dysfunctional that it has caused pain to others in the most profound way that all in my life, mostly myself, needs to heal. I found a church that i am fond of, i have new age beliefs, and there is one about 6 miles from here. Two positive things for me. One baby step at a time right? I have mentioned some of my running behavoir to you because maybe it can help you understand alittle more to help in your situation. Also this is the first time that i actually wrote about this and to see it in black and white is quite SOBERING ! I hope you have a great day and thank you for responding to my posts. talk to you again, universal luv and support. Sis


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#65655 - 10/19/06 09:16 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hey, Sis--
Thanks for being willing to share your story with me; I appreciate your honesty. Thank goodness that you have been able to survive this long, even if it has taken a toll.
You know, in so much of what you have posted here so far, you have shown yourself willing to fight on behalf of other people who are close to you. I wonder if you are not now also learning that you are worth fighting for, too.
I have never found it very easy to stick up for myself--it's always easier for me to do it for others. But, I have come to understand that we are ALL worth the effort. We're ALL worth loving. Even if we have a hard time admitting it to ourselves....
I hope that you find a good community of people at the church near you. I don't have a lot of church experience, but I do know that finding a good match--of people who are willing to know you for yourself, who you really are--is a great blessing. It might take a while to figure that out. No rush; take your time. Baby steps are plenty.
I am going to be sharing a lot of my own life history (sexual abuse, broken marriages, radical breaks with my own past--a different kind of running:) with a small group at my church next Monday. It's scary to me, but I think it'll be ok after all. And if not, then it's an important thing to learn.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Good luck tomorrow! I hope that you find you can work well with the therapist you're going to see. It's all a journey....
She (?) will probably tell you this, but itís worth hearing lots of times. Recovery can be very liberating and can give you energy you never knew you hadóbut it can also be very draining and tiring. It is really important for you to attend to your physical health as best as you possibly can when you are going through active emotional healing, too. I know youíre facing a lot of financial limits, but I will pray that you can find a way to get the support you need to get by.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#65656 - 10/19/06 11:38 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Thank you HG,
I too hope the best for you and please let me know how things go at church. May the universe give you the divine words that will be able to touch another and i hope that it is healing for you too. Much luv, Sis


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#65657 - 10/20/06 04:26 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
to all that has supported me through this. I have all the paper work for service for the sherrif where the perp lives and it goes out in the mail today. one down. I was looking at a piece of crystal yesterday and i thought how much my mom would love that and i almost felt guuilty for standing up for myself but when i got home and looked in my son's drawer, where he said he kept the stamps, i found a letter to him from my mom. Dated in aug, 06, 4 months after my suicide attempt. she had brought the perp., my son's perp too, to see him and was just going on about how nice the visit was. Not once has she made any attempt to see if i was okay. she also signed the letter grandma and grandpa. okay, that did it. I honestly believe that they were trying to send me insane so i mighy actually complete the act of suicide, so that they would be scot free. Well, it back fired. the letter just reminded me how dangerous these people are to my emotional health and i can not feel sorry for them. i don't enjoy hurting anyone but i also need to protect myself and my kids. today i start therapy and the letter goes out in the mail. I have also been looking for an attorney to represent me in a civil case against them, it was only him but now after the letter and her trying to protect her husband at my own demise/ her daughter, i have been left with no choice. My strength is improving. I told my son that "isn't this ironic? i took care of you 15-20 years ago and got you to counseling and helped you with your healing and now you are doing the same for me. WOW! Falling in love with my life again and my kids. what a blessing. universal luv and support, Sis


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#65658 - 10/21/06 03:05 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sis,

What a powerful post. I'm glad you have followed through and are having the papers served now.

I was so moved when I saw you saying this:

Quote:
Falling in love with my life again and my kids. what a blessing.
That's the kind of thing that becomes possible when we write the toxic people - even if they are relatives - out of our lives and reclaim our own right to joy and fulfillment.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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