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#65620 - 10/06/06 05:34 AM Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I've copied this post to the F&F forum at the request of the author. Welcome to MS sis. \:\)

Quote:
Hi my name is sis. I am a female survivor and a member of another survivors network, mostly women. I have two members of my family who are male and survivors. We also have a male who is in our group. His mom was his perp and i can imagine it has been hard for him to work with us, considering we are women. But the good news is he is reaching out. I wanted to check you guys out before giving him your website just to make sure you are legite for his own protection. I had repressed my abuse, years 1-12. but a few years ago they started to surface. I have lost everything and am being treated for PTSD as well as other related issues. I am now living with adult son who is 22. Also a victim, some 20 years ago. He knows what i am doing as far as recovery. He was sexually abused and tortured but has no memory. We have discussed his abuse briefly a few days ago. I am afraid that i will trigger him. I do see some signs of PTSD but those signs started when he saw his mom lose her mind. I don't want to trigger him but i also want him to see that this stuff does not go away and he may have to deal with it at some time. I don't want to push him. I try to keep most of my healing work to myself but throw little hints to him on occassion, like leaving one of my books out for him to see. I don't want him to go through what i have went through over the last few years. Am i doing the right things? okay, now i have my brother who was also raised by the same perp. HE is killing himself with alcohol and drugs and has severe self image problems. About 6 months ago he asked me over the phone did i think that the perp got to him too. I said yes. That was all that was said until last month when i went to see him. Over shots of wiskey for breakfast we started to have THE conversation, not a good idea. I told him that he was abused by our perp. He said i was crazy and i told him he was in denial. My brother was there when my son showed us what the perp did to him, many years ago. He could not stand up for us. He had a break down and committed a crime to purposefuly go back to prison. Nothing was ever done to the perp do to denial of the abuse and blaming me for putting those thoughts into my childs head. My brother has alot quilt and confusion. For him this is a life or death matter at this time. He has hep c and needs treatment but they won't give him treatment unless he quits drinking. I have survivors guilt because it has messed him up worse than me. I have not spoken to him lately and have tried not to say too much about what i am going through because it causes him to do more damage to himself. He can't take it. I don't want my brother to die. How can i help him? I believe that when a boy is abused it effects them worse than girls atleast it has for my brother. I know this is long but i need help. I am confused and hurt. I am mourning my own child inside and know how painful that is. How can i help these men without causing more damage to any of us. thank you sis



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#65621 - 10/06/06 11:37 AM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london


_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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#65622 - 10/06/06 12:42 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sis,

I am so sorry all this is happening to you and around you; the pressure of it all must be unbelievable. My own suggestion would be that you need to take care of yourself first. I know you want and need to help others, but in order to do this effectively you will need your own strength and confidence, right?

Concerning your son and brother, the basic problem now seems to be that they aren't ready to face their issues and seek help. A very hard reality of recovery is that the survivor has to make all the decisions himself; he has to admit he's in trouble, decide to get help, and then commit to the work that needs to be done. Unfortunately none of this can be rushed.

Others may have better ideas for you, but at the moment all I can think of is be frank about what you know, let them see that you care and are ready to listen to them and believe them, assure them that they are not to blame for anything that happened, and perhaps show them a good book on the subject. You can keep sending this message, but after that it's up to them.

You are right to be cautious about websites for survivors. This one is the best in my view. It's run by volunteers, but on a professional level - the Board of Directors and admin team include lawyers, therapists, and police officers and FBI agents who work with child abuse cases. The site is heavily monitored to keep us all safe here, and I think it would be a great thing for your son and brother to check us out.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#65623 - 10/06/06 04:04 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Thank you sb and larry
I had a very hard day yesterday. I am an alcoholic and have not been drinking. yesterday the pressure was too much and i drank 2 beers and it always causes problems in my family, which it did. Yes i have been carring this burden for my family alone for years. I tried to relay to my mom yesterday that i wanted her to keep her husband away from me and my children. She shot me down as usual. she said that my son was a grown man and he could make his own decissions. After losing it yesterday, crying, etc... causing my son to have a panick attack and not be able to sleep and missing work today. My son agreed to wwrite her a letter requesting that she not bring the perp around him anymore. None of this has been easy. I tried to commit suicide in april and was on life support for a while. I just gave up. I can't keep hurting myself or my kids. It was a miracle that i lived. I had it set up to where nobody would know what i was doing. I went to a motel. My frriend had a bad feeling and sent someone to check on me from another county. I was not breathing but here i am. for a reason i suppose. if for nothing else not to cause my family any more pain. My children are great kids who don't deserve this crap. anyway than yu for your support. Universal luv, sis


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#65624 - 10/06/06 07:55 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Sis,

I don't even know what to say except that I'm so sorry for the hurt you and your family are sufferring.

Please take care of yourself Sis, if you don't, then each of the people you are trying to hold up will simply fall with you.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#65625 - 10/06/06 09:27 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Thank You Trish. And yes, I am standing up again. A little off center but i won't give up. universal luv
Sis


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#65626 - 10/06/06 09:33 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Good for you! And btw, there's nothing wrong with a little off center ;\)

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#65627 - 10/07/06 12:11 AM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sis,

"Off-center" rules girl!!!!! \:\)

Wobbling along, but still, much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#65628 - 10/07/06 08:29 AM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Sis,

I've read through this thread and am moved with compassion for you and the situation you find yourself in. The others have shared excellent advise with you regarding your male family members which I won't bother to repeat to you except to say that all you can do is love them where they are and be ready to share when they indicate they are ready to move forward.

And yes, off center is REAL good! Normal people frighten me! \:D

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#65629 - 10/07/06 03:54 PM Re: Moved for SIS-- seeking help for brother and son
sis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/06
Posts: 195
Loc: Arizona
Thank you John
I agree with you about normal people being frightening !!! The "normal" ones that i have had the displeasure of meeting are My mom and our perp., her husband. My cousin who is a "normal" school teacher who has never believed me about our abuse and others who at some point should have seen the signs that me and my brother were being brutalized at home and done something. I have felt sorry for any child in crisis that has my cousin for a teacher because there will be no help for them, not from her (scary). I have good news. I talked to my brother last night briefly and he said that he is trying not to drink. I'll take (TRYING) anyday, Right on !! I am talking more openly with my son about what i am going through and he is being very supportive and he is not as fragile as i see him. He is my son. I love him and will always feel the need to protect him from any harm. Also, i gave your site addy to the maale survivor i spoke of in my first post. It has not been released to our posting site yet because we only have one person reviewing our posts but he will get it and i am sure that he will feel as safe as i do here. I have one more thing to share. I was told that i had to inform my mom, which i have tried many times, that i wanted her to respect my wishes, and keep her creepy husband away from my kids. Before i can get an order of protection to keep him away. She did what she always does and said that my son was a grown man who could make his own decisions and hung up on me, after saying that, she threw in, I am at work and i refuse to talk to you about this here. There has always been an excuse for her not to talk to me. Bcause i was angry, she was at work, just got home from work, i was drunk, anything to shoot me down and not have to listen. So what i did was, and i hope i don't get myself in trouble for this, is called and left a message on her supervisors answering machine. I told her that Rita, who is somewhat of an official, was not what she appearred to be. That her husband was a child mollester who uses animals and torture to commit his crimes against children and that she allows it to happen. I did this the other day when i had lost it. I am angry and it is time that i start putting that anger where in belongs. I have always turned it inward and we all know how damaging that is. My friend, who is an attorney suggested that i have my son write a letter to my mom telling heer to keep him away, he has agreed. He told me tht i would be able to get an order of protection for my 2 youngest kids because they are minors but would have a difficult time getting one for my oldest son because he is an adult.My two youngest children live in a different state and he has never been able to get his hands on them but mere thought of him being able to even see them thows my into a panic. Anyway, thank you for being here for me. yu guys have been great. sent with universal love and support. SIS


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