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#6537 - 06/20/05 03:25 PM Revelation or Raving? (triggers!)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I am not sure why I am posting this, perhaps just to communicate feelings on some things. I have been here since early May, and I have to say for the first few weeks I felt like I was doing rather well. It was exhilarating to come here and discover that I wasnít alone. All those things that happened to me in the past Ė now I see there were thousands of us, maybe more. The way I denied everything for years, the troubles I have coping now, its all a story repeated over and over again. With lots of variations of course, but the point is that in what others were saying I could recognize my own situation. It wasnít my fault. Everything my abuser told me Ė all lies. And so on. What a great community we have here. So being a rational adult used to putting things together and solving problems, I thought okay, great. I know where I stand, letís talk about it, and gradually it will all just go away. Sound familiar?

I can now see that I have not even begun. Though I am trying to come to terms with things, I can see I am still hiding and grabbing at excuses. The dialogue I am pursuing with Jasper over in the gay forum began with me reading what he said about problems with communicating with his brother; it felt very powerful for some reason, and soon I discovered that it was obliging me to come to terms with telling my own father what happened to me. What has been especially powerful has been discovering, out of the blue, an incredibly supportive friend in Jasper, and at the same time coming to the realization of how little I actually see. Another revelation has been the thread on flashbacks. Guys there are trading ideas as if one can really cope with flashbacks. I was stunned, because this is as far from my experience as night is from day. A flashback for me means back to the terrified 11-year-old, with my abuser right there, no way to escape, and collapsing in tears waiting for it to start all over again. I feel utterly defenseless and overwhelmed, and all the tactics that others talk about just arenít available options for me.

I am also beginning to see a larger picture that is even more frightening. First of all, the utter cruelty of it all. I just canít believe it. There is no way I can express my thoughts on that. Our Scout troop was the activity of all the boys in our neighborhood; the fathers got together to organize fun and cool adventures for us and the local church gave us a great old log cabin with a vast fireplace as our headquarters. But for him we were all just a feast. My Dad and the others were there to help and protect; he was there to rape and destroy. And the danger. He was a sick bastard and I was entirely in his power. He could have done anything with me.

And second: I didnít tell. I wanted to, I really did, but I had been trained to believe I was worthless and unlovable and that my family would reject me if I spoke up. Even then I knew somehow that this couldn't be true. I wanted my parents to notice the marks and ask what's really going on; it astonished me that they didn't see what was happening. I know that scenario plays out all the time and that is why we are all here now, but the bottom line is still: I didnít tell. Just like the boy before me, whose silence condemned me, my silence condemned who knows how many other defenseless children after me. I am sick with grief at that, even though I know it wasnít and could never have been my fault.

And finally, I somehow doubt that I will ever get past this. Okay perhaps I will learn to move on and maybe incorporate my abuse into my life in a way that allows me to function better than I do now. But what he did to me has shaped everything else I have ever done and everything I have become. In a way I feel like I am still his "creature".

Iím not sure if I will be able to post this, or even if I should. I donít feel like I am ranting. I am not beating up on myself, at least I donít think so. I donít feel in need of pity and certainly I donít feel brave. I just feel overwhelmed. The last time I felt like this was when I left the Middle East after covering the Lebanese civil war as a journalist for two years. It was only then, back in the quiet confines of university life, that I was hit by the terrible horror of what I had witnessed. I suppose I will post this just because I need to. Is this a "breakthrough" (if there is such a thing)? If so then hey, I will claim it. Or is it just another screwed up dead end. If so I will find my way back and start again. My fear is that this is all just so much mad nonsense and that good friends here will find it very distressing, but my hunch is that it is the truth I wish I had recognized years ago.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#6538 - 06/20/05 04:17 PM Re: Revelation or Raving? (triggers!)
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Larry,

Quote:
Is this a "breakthrough" (if there is such a thing)? If so then hey, I will claim it. Or is it just another screwed up dead end. If so I will find my way back and start again.
For me recovery has been a bunch of dead ends, messed up attempts at communicating, fading hopes, revelations, new friendships, broken promises, days on end without progress, weeks of hope, disappointments, elation, good health, bad health ..... in short the business of living. I am not sure I can measure my own recovery progress or trace the path. I know I feel better. I'm not sure why or when it happened. But I do know it happened in small steps. Sometimes one forward and two back. Be patient with yourself. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#6539 - 06/20/05 04:29 PM Re: Revelation or Raving? (triggers!)
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Roadrunner,

Thatís a moving post, it sounds like it has just hit you how awful what happened was and maybe you are in shock seeing it in all its terrible reality and recognising the huge affect it had on you.

For me what you say sounds very real, painful and truthful, it may well be a breakthrough in that you are facing more fully the damage the abuse did to you. Recognising the terrible effects of the trauma is surely the first step towards change. I know for me, as I heal I feel less like the product of the abuse and more and more a creature of my own making.

Peter.


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#6541 - 06/20/05 10:26 PM Re: Revelation or Raving? (triggers!)
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Larry - I think the breakthrough for all of us in the recovery process is when we finally admit to ourselves that 'very bad things happened to us'. The next step is in realising that 'the blame lies with the perpetrator'.

Once we have done that, we have a good chance of recovery - I don't believe that any of us will ever recover 100%. What I do believe is that we can begin to accept ourselves as human beings; and also to realise that many other people also see us as 'just another normal person' (whether they know about the abuse or not).

Everything that you have written makes sense to me & I believe that you are on the right track. Stick with it & you will one day fully recognise the progress that you have made.

Best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#6542 - 06/20/05 11:48 PM Re: Revelation or Raving? (triggers!)
CrazyRob Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
Quote:
I know that scenario plays out all the time and that is why we are all here now, but the bottom line is still: I didnít tell. Just like the boy before me, whose silence condemned me, my silence condemned who knows how many other defenseless children after me. I am sick with grief at that, even though I know it wasnít and could never have been my fault.
I understand exactly what you mean here Larry. Because I said nothing about what my mother was doing to me, 2 of my cousins and countless of my friends and other people were vicitmized by her. These are people that I know and love. How I try to cope with that is to think about how, as a child, there is no possible way for us to know all the consequences of our actions with regard to SA. With this in mind it was impossible for us to say yes to any of this, or to decide to speak out about it. Your world was on a razors edge and there was no possible way for you to know which way to tilt it.

For everyone who carries guilt out there about what happened to them think on this a moment: "If you could not at ANY point say no, could you ever really say yes?" If you couldn't say no..... then it became involuntary.

Being able to make a decision to speak out is the same as saying no. We weren't capable of it, we weren't supposed to be.

I hope you find peace Larry.

Rob

_________________________
"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."

-Unknown

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