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#65381 - 04/12/03 01:39 AM Hi everyone, I'm Back..........
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Hi to all of you. Thank you all for your responses. I have been away from home for 4 days now and just now got back online.......I missed you all and all of your support very very much!

Lori and I went to court the next morning after I called the police and had her arrested for assault. I was feeling very bad that I started a chain of events that caused my whole family a lot of pain. As Sandy pointed out in her response, Lori did not need to react with violence. I however, did provoke her with some pretty hurtful words. I guess I was feeling rejected and became quite angry that she will not give our relationship (and consequently our family) one more try. I told her she was selfish, self centered and a home wrecker because she was not only tearing apart our family, but she also "hit" on her married boss (whose wife she knows and likes) and risked tearing apart their family as well. Evidently these word hurt her deeply so she reacted with anger and violence.
Anyway, I was determined to go into court and try not to make her not have to pay any more of a price then she already has (I don't know why I continue to show her so much love and kindness). Well, to make a long story short, Lori told the court that I was emotionally unstable and that she feared for her safety (I have NEVER in my life been violent with anyone). I was determined to be kind and downplayed the incident, I told the court that this was an isolated incident and that we could continue to live together without another incident like this happening again.
They were not convinced and told me I would have to leave the house for FIVE WEEKS as a "cooling off" period. OUCH !! I immediately broke down in tears that lasted until we had to go in front of the judge. I had to stand in court and listen to the judge, and agree that I understood what was happening and that I would obey the terms or be subject to jail time. I was barley able to stand I was so devastated. I have never felt such deep despair. I was about to loose (for 5 weeks) everything that is important to me. AND I thought I was totally alone and had no place to go. My home has always been my “safe zone”.
For all of you who have not read my previous posts, I raised my kids for most of their life while taking care of the household and Lori while she was battling cancer twice. And I have also been supporting the kids and Lori while she has been going to college the past TEN years.
Now it was ME who has to leave the house!

Well, I have learned a great deal in the past 4 days.
1. My kids LOVE ME! Not just as their dad who cooks for them, plays ball with them, and goes for bike rides with them, and makes them feel secure in the home. When I am with them now, they show appreciation for ME as a person, not just a dad. What a cool realization. I thought they were getting to be old enough and didn't need me anymore. They need and love ME!
2. I have some wonderfully supportive people around me. My parents have let me stay in the spare room in their condo for the first 4 days and now I am at their beach house (the kids and I are on vacation this week) in RI. Being down here is SO peaceful and comforting; I am really looking forward to staying here the next 10 days. I may end up staying the rest of the 5 weeks here (something nice to do for myself). While I was staying in the same condo as my parents, they were kind, loving and supportive. I have not had much of a relationship with them since my being SA as a child. I guess I blame the in some way for not protecting me, or providing me with the emotional support while I was a young child (not only as a child, I guess we are never too old for emotional support). But none the less, they have been there for me in the way they can, and I am very great full for their love and support.
My sister in law, and a couple of Lori's friends have also been supportive by talking to me and trying tell me that this will pass, I am a great guy, and this can be a new beginning.
3. Many of my fears of my marriage ending was the fear of the unknown. I thought I would be all alone and have nothing! But I have learned that everything I need is right here inside ME!!! That is huge. I have found strength and feel liberated. I am strong enough to survive even this, and be happy too.
4. I don't NEED Lori. I love her, I care about her, but I don't respect her values. I deserve a women who will appreciate the love I give her, and love me in return!
Lori is giving up quite a lot to have her independence. She has a few very very nice friends, but she does not talk to her family, and now no longer has any support from my family. My sister in law loves her dearly, but told her that her loyalties have to be with supporting me, and their friendship would inevitably have to end.

So this horrible and terrifying event turned out to be a tremendous learning and growth experience for me.
I fell empowered and strong. I feel loved and supported. I feel that I can be happy and peaceful inside no matter what!!
So no more treating Lori like a queen. It is time to take care of my self and enjoy my kids. It is time for a new beginning!

My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is.......

It is GREAT to be back online and here with all of you, I missed all of you and your support.
With Love, Ed


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#65382 - 04/12/03 05:35 AM Re: Hi everyone, I'm Back..........
SandyW Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
I, for one, was worried about you! After responding to your previous post about selfishness, I took some level of accountability for your confronting her with it. Just as it was the "unknown" that made you fear life without Lori, it seems to be the unknown that she is giving up everything for. Perhaps this 5 week "cooling off" is just what you need. Five weeks to focus on you, the kids, and the future that you now know you have. I am so happy you are doing well! What I'm doing up at this ungodly hour, I couldn't tell you.
Sandy


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#65383 - 04/12/03 09:39 AM Re: Hi everyone, I'm Back..........
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Thanks Sandy, please do not feel responsible in any way. Everything I said to Lori was true. I should not have "confronted” her like that, but I needed to say those things to her.
And you once said that my therapist was downplaying the effects of my crumbling marriage and relating EVERYTHING back to my relationship or lack of emotional support from my parents.
But what was killing me most was not resolving these things with Lori......YOU said I need to morn the relationship and that is key to getting by all of this...that was exactly right.
Again I have learned a lot this past week, and that's what it's all about.

My life is beautiful because I accept it as it is..... I love that...it's true...and I'm going to be happy no matter what, because happiness comes from within ME.
Thanks for you support!!


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#65384 - 04/12/03 08:46 PM Re: Hi everyone, I'm Back..........
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ed'
Quote:
Well, I have learned a great deal in the past 4 days.
That's some education Ed, enjoy it. You deserve it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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