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#65295 - 04/07/03 10:48 PM Today was a sad sad day
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Hi all, I am so sad today. My family has now completely fallen apart. I now have to face the fact that my wife and I will never reconcile. And to make matters worse, I have to face the fact that there will now be 2 more kids who come from a broken home. These two things totally break my heart.

Here is what happened: I promised to give my wife her space to go down her path, and myself time to heal on my path. I thought if I gave her space and she and saw me healing and growing into the kind, giving, loving, and generous person that I am, that she would give our relationship another try. But I couldnít do it. I couldnít live close to her, be her friend, and not show my love for her. I spent much of the weekend crying and asking WHY canít we give the relationship another try?? Iím sure the relationship could be different. Everything my wife didnít like about me was in some way related to my SA issues or my smoking pot (self medicating to keep the anxiety at bay). I no longer self medicate and I have made tremendous progress on my SA issues. But in the end the issue I couldnít cope with is my need for attention. My lack of attention from my parents and the loneliness within me is was what made me an easy target to be manipulated by my abuser. My need for attention is what smothered my wife (who is very independent to begin with) during our marriage, and now my need to attention killed any chance we had at reconciliation.
This weekend I could not understand why she would give us and our family one more chance given all the changes we have made. After I talked, cried, pleaded and begged she finally got fed up and told me ďitís overÖ stop acting like a child and get over itĒ. OUCH! I fled from the house and walked for about 2 hours and when I came home, I experienced severe anxiety attacks. Lori was kind enough to nurse me and hold my hand during the shaking, and when it subsided she reheated me diner and got me my meds before bed and then briefly helped me through my next anxiety attack. Iím sure it was very difficult for her to help me knowing that she is the cause of much of my pain. I took some extra meds to be sure I would sleep through the night, which I did for the first time in weeks.
But in the morning I woke with quite a bit of anger. I left for the gym figuring the workout would help. But I became more and more angry and left the gym and sped home to confront Lori. When I got home I called her selfish and self centered for wanting to break up our marriage when she has a loving devoted husband who is also an awesome father to our kids. Why brake up a loving family for your own self wants/needs? Well needless to say she did not respond to this well. She threw a humidifier at me, started yelling that I am a ďneedyĒ loser and a weak man. She then hit me with her belt and kicked me many times. All this was happening while the kids were down stairs getting ready for school. I felt really bad for the kids so I was going to let them stay home from school and spend time with them. Well, this made Lori completely crazy and she made them get in the car and took off with them telling me its time to get the lawyers involved.
At this point I was feeling that I was now going to lose everything important to me in the whole world. So, I called the police figuring that if I made a statement to them of how she was violent and took the kids, this would help me when court time came. Well how naive was I??? The police charged Lori with felony assault and me with a misdemeanor of disorderly conduct. We have to go to court in the morning and I can only imagine how awefull that will be.
Tonight I am home alone while Lori has the kids at a friendís house. I feel terrible that she got charged with a felony because I needlessly provoked her violence after she was so kind to me the night before. I guess I just could not handle the rejection. My therapist said that my anger is also heightened because I have never expressed my anger that I hold for my abuser. No doubt I feel angry and feel rejected by Lori, but I think my therapist is right. I have never expressed anger about being abused or anger directed at my abuser, so when anger does hit me (which is rarely) it is my little Eddie that takes over.
Once again I am sorry for the pain I caused Lori, and I hope somehow I can make it right in court tomorrow. I have also decided that once we get past court I will agree to see a divorce moderator (tears) and negotiate a way that I will leave (many tears!) my home and kids (more tears) and find a place to live for myself as close as possible (these are the hardest words I have ever typed).
I am so ashamed, sad and in such despair.


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#65296 - 04/08/03 09:19 AM Re: Today was a sad sad day
SandyW Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
Taipan...

I am so sorry. Really, from what you've posted recently, you have been a dedicated husband who has done all he could to save his marriage. I think you have the wrong perception of one thing however. You wrote:

Quote:
I feel terrible that she got charged with a felony because I needlessly provoked her violence after she was so kind to me the night before. I guess I just could not handle the rejection.
She got charged with a felony because what she did was a crime. You did not provoke it!!! When you were angry, you left the situation, considered it and then confronted her verbally...

Quote:
But in the morning I woke with quite a bit of anger. I left for the gym figuring the workout would help. But I became more and more angry and left the gym and sped home to confront Lori. When I got home I called her selfish and self centered for wanting to break up our marriage when she has a loving devoted husband who is also an awesome father to our kids.
When she got angry about being confronted with the truth, she attacked you physically and verbally...all in front of your kids.

Now I ask, who handled it correctly???

It sounds like she needs therapy herself.

BTW...she attacked you. You should have the kids with you. They are not safe with her if she is so volitile!

You did not provoke Lori, and you did not cause her pain. Its her own hangups and selfish ambitions that are causing her pain.

There is NO EXCUSE for her behavior. You DID NOT CAUSE IT!!! The only way you can make it right in court is to let her be held accountable for her violent behavior.

Sorry so blunt, please don't take offense.

Sandy


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#65297 - 04/08/03 11:40 AM Re: Today was a sad sad day
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Taipan,

I do not know what to say to amke it better. So this is a note so that you know you are not alone in this. I can only try and imagine what you are going through.

Please check your PM
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#65298 - 04/08/03 08:19 PM Re: Today was a sad sad day
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Taipan
Feel proud that you tried, be proud of your kids, be proud that you want to survive.

Never leave a situation without taking something.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65299 - 05/04/03 03:24 PM Re: Today was a sad sad day
shawna Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/04/03
Posts: 4
Loc: baltimore
i'm sorry for the situation you are facing. it sounds as though you have an extremely insensitive woman. if you are 100% there for her needs but she is not the same in return, you have to put your faith first and realize that maybe she is not for you.
if she knew about the SA that you have had to deal with, she should have understood that it is something that will be with you for the rest of your life. being an emotional man is nothing that needs to be discounted with comments by her telling you to "grow up and stop being a baby".
It is a situation that will always need addressing and comfort.
family is very important as well and i hope that everything works out for you for the best.

_________________________
http://www.donteestokesfund.net

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#65300 - 05/05/03 12:04 AM Re: Today was a sad sad day
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Taipan:

I am crying with you. It is so painful seeing survivors hurt over and over again. Lori is abusing you. I hope that you will be able to see that. There is no excuse for throwing things at you, hitting you and kicking you. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them and in a healthy happy way. This is not healthy. Love your children, just like you do. I know it will break your heart to not have your family, but it sounds like it will be healthier for you and your relationship with your kids. Don't let your kids see this kind of abuse. I am glad you are o.k. Please take care of yourself. You are a good man and a good father. We love you. Hang in there.


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#65301 - 05/05/03 02:36 PM Re: Today was a sad sad day
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Taipan: I too feel for you and also agree that your wife is and has been abusing you. My brother just went through this - he beat himself up for months on "why wasn't he good enough for his fiancee to stay with him? Why wasn't he good enough to stop her from verbally abusing her?" (he and I are both emotional/verbal/psychological abuse survivors - and my BF is a SA survivor which is why I am on this site). I watched him struggle with this while his fiancee called him everything in the book, managed to get her hooks into a lot of his possessions, coerced him into buying her a diamond ring, all while he was unemployed. And she continued to blame him for everything. It just about destroyed my brother and he is still not the same person months after their "unofficial breakup" (she just refused to talk to him any more - ever since November 2002)

No matter what anyone does or doesn't do in a relationship there is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!!!!!!!! I certainly agree with the others on here that you are still being victimized by your wife. Perhaps it is best if you do go your separate ways - for you especially. If that is the type of behaviour you have been subjected to it is very difficult to spot it - dont hesitate to bounce things off people here - but in my opinion you are certainly being abused (if she hits you with a belt and kicks you that is DEFINITELY physical abuse!!) and nobody should put up with that. DONT buy into the crap that your abuser(s) has/have put into your head that you dont deserve better - NOBODY DESERVES ABUSE.

I would agree that it certainly does sound like she too needs some therapy - I have to admit that sometimes abusive kinds of thoughts have run through my head when my bf (SA survivor) has one of his insecure episodes, but I have long realized that my feelings are not due to what he does or doesn't do (as long as he is not being abusive, which on occasion, he is) but due to my own insecurities and issues and fears about having to "take the lead and be the strong one" sometimes. It sounds like your wife is kicking you when you are down, and that she has her own fears of showing weakness, or her own anxieties which flare up when she sees your issues and insecurities. If she was secure and well, she'd be able to support you, not kick you.

I have spent most of my dating life with partners who treated me like crap.. believing I didnt deserve any better. I have dated people who have kicked me while down, abandoned me, used and abused me, ripped me off and left me homeless. In retrospect, with a lot of therapy and support, the only crime I realize I have committeed is not standing up for myself, and not believing that I deserved better. It is NOT YOUR FAULT if this relationship breaks apart. It ALWAYS takes two!!!. You sound sure that you have been the best partner and father you can be, so rest assured in that!!! I'm very sure you have been the best you can be!!!!


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#65302 - 05/05/03 02:42 PM Re: Today was a sad sad day
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
One thing I forgot - re: Her being charged with felony/etc.. it is HER actions (or reactions as it may be) that brought this on, not yours.

As far as getting the cops involved, I strongly feel that you did the RIGHT thing. Its always ugly when people get caught for their bad behaviour (like the time my dad got caught and convicted for drinking and driving and lost his licence, or the time he OD'd on pills and booze and almost died) as others are drawn into the drama and it becomes so painful and so obvious that things are wrong (and ugly and melodramatic and embarassing and all of that..). But it is NOT your fault - you did what is your legal and ethical right to do! (prior to my dad getting caught for DUI on several occasions I almost called the cops on him)

I too would be worried about leaving my kids in the hands of someone who could abuse me, physically, emotionally or otherwise when things got rough.

So if it were my kids at stake and my marriage was getting rough and my partner was verbally and physically abusing me, damn straight I'd call the cops too.


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