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#65195 - 04/07/03 08:32 AM Lost and all alone
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Michigan
That is how I feel. The words of that old song keep coming up... Lost and all alone, I always thought that I could make it on my own.

But since you left I hardly make it through the day, my tears get in the way, and I need you bad to stay...

I wander through the night. And search the world to find the words to make it right. All I want is just the way it used to be, with you here close to me, Oh darlin can't you see....

That I'm lost without your love...life without you isn't worth the trouble of...I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel, a touch without a feel, I can't believe it's real....

Someday soon I'll awake, and find my heart won't have to break......

Sorry all I am just crushed right now, and I have no one else to talk to who will understand this but here.

Something happened between my husband and me and he has taken himself away again, mentally, emotionally, everything. It's been two days, it feels like a hundred years. What do I do with this hurt and pain I have? Can't he see how badly it hurts when he does this to me? If he does see it, and I know he does, why does he do this to me? Why? I'm right here, can't we just talk it out?? PLEASE? I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep. No interaction, blank stares, no talking, nothing. All I get is nothing from him, when all I do is love and support him?? I am so hurt and so mad. And if I try to talk to him he gets worse, so I am locked in this prison of nothing until he decides to talk to me. It is unfair. It hurts. Why? Why can't he even talk to me? I get treated as a non-entity. What did I do, what did I say, to make him go away? Why do I feel responsible? I'm hurting, I feel like I am spinning around in a black hole, begging for him to talk to me.........If I try to tell him why I am so hurt it makes it worse. I'm all alone in this. All alone......I am devastated.

If we had love before, we can have it back once more...........

A sad woman in Michigan...........


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#65196 - 04/07/03 11:27 AM Re: Lost and all alone
Janis Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/31/03
Posts: 7
Loc: Northeast USA
Dear Lost and All Alone,

When you said in your post "all I want is just the way it used to be...." I was reminded of my own words many years ago... "all I want is just the way (I thought) it used to be."

The words "I thought" being the operative words here. While I don't know the details of your very sad situation, I can tell you about the grief and loss that I felt when I became aware that what I thought was my life was in reality not and was not to be ever again. Maybe it will help you.

For years we got by; sometimes limping, sometimes soaring. While there was always an undercurrent of mistrust, control, manipulation, anger, sexual difficulties, lack of intimacy, and addictive behavior, somehow we managed to overcome (supress)these difficulties enough to achieve reasonable success as a couple. Successful, well-adjusted kids, beautiful home, good jobs, friends, and satisfying recreation. On the surface, all appeared (to others) ok until suddenly and with what I thought then was without warning life changed. We were dramatically plunged into the turmoil of memories (his) of CSA and the horribly damaging after-effects of the impact on our relationship. While we are still in the midst of huge difficulties surrounding the reality of his history, initially the devastation that I felt was mind blowing. The hurt and pain that I felt by his distance from me, his steadfast denial of my needs and pain, his inability to talk to me, and all of the blame that ensued to protect himself was unbearable.

Who knows what was (and still is) in his head? Who knows what's happening in your husbands head? Only time will tell.

The things that I do know after years of this are that

YOU ARE POWERLESS TO CHANGE THE EFFECTS OF CSA FOR HIM,

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Right now if you can keep these truths in mind, believe them, and do whatever it takes to take care of yourself (get out of the house, go for a walk, post here, talk to someone, meditate, pray, make a nice dinner)and achieve some level of calmness, you will survive.

I'm sorry for your pain, loneliness, and grief. Please get strong first for you...then maybe you can be there, strong, when he finally opens up to you, talks to you, and asks for your help.

God Bless You,

_________________________
Jan

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#65197 - 04/09/03 10:37 AM Re: Lost and all alone
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Michigan
Thank you so much Jan for that reply! I know that my husband handles these situations by dealing with them himself, in silence, and then he kind of "comes back" from wherever he's been, and is loving and kind and says he is sorry for reacting the way he does, and I apologize for takin gthings so personally. He knows I am here for him, I love him, I am willing to give him the time he needs, albeit reluctantly, and there are times when I mess up and want immediate answers and immediate resolution to our difficulty, whatever it may be at the time, but it is hard to realize that he cannot give me a response immediately, as the feelings invoked send him to places I never knew existed for a person, even when the problem is completely unrelated to his past, such as me being hurt by something he said. If I express my being hurt by him, then this can cause that chain reaction of him withdrawing as he feels bad about hurting me, then I want an apology or some kind of resolution so we can move on, but he stops, and we do not progess, it stops. That is the hardest thing, having to wait, it feels as though our world is put on hold until he comes back, which I suppose it really is.

The solution is for me not to take it personally, to be strong and realize I'm not making this happen, it is his way of handling emotion, stress, fatigue and other things. During the times in which he goes away is when I wish I could reach out to him the most, and him to me, but it just cannot be so. I cannot engage him until he is ready, and waiting is the hardest thing. But I do wait, as long as it takes, but the silence is deafening and the lack of interaction is awful. I did take your advice, I went to the mall, walked around, and kind of told myself to take my mind off what I was feeling, and realize it was what he needed to do to cope with his emotions.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, it meant a lot to me. He "came back" as I call it Monday night. I know this will happen again and again, sometimes I get angry wishing it didn't have to, that he didn't need to retreat. Does that ever go away completely for a survivor, I wonder, the need to retreat? Probably not, and perhaps it shouldn't, it is a known and trusted way of getting away from pain. But, in the meantime, what do we outsiders do, I feel like I have to pretend to be normal and happy in day to day affairs, when really I want to cry as life is gone until he comes back. I have 2 young daughters too, and I literally hate it when he can't respond to them either.

Well, thank you again for your response Jan.

Take care everyone-

Kathy


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#65198 - 04/09/03 01:39 PM Re: Lost and all alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kathy and Jan
The Atlantic ocean between us doesn't make a scrp of difference, exactly the same thing happens in this house as well !

Quote:
Does that ever go away completely for a survivor, I wonder, the need to retreat? Probably not,
Sadly, I think you might be right.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65199 - 04/09/03 02:23 PM Re: Lost and all alone
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Michigan
Lloydy:
Is it the best thing, to just leave him alone? It makes me feel ignored, unloved and even hated by him when he does this (shuts me out). Is that what helps, just time to think? I know everyone is different, but I just wish there was some way for SOME communication to take place, just a glimmer of acknowledgement would suffice.

Kathy


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#65200 - 04/09/03 03:27 PM Re: Lost and all alone
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Kathy,

Your husband just needs the time to adjust to the

new triggers + flashbacks. New triggers +

flashbacks startles any survivor into their

coping mechanisms. Silence + retreating back

inside themselves. Whenever my hubby is

completely quiet I know no matter how I feel

being alone Edwin is feeling 10 times worse at

least. I hope + pray your hubby will come out of

his shell, but just remember all he is doing is

coping the only way he knows how.

WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#65201 - 04/09/03 08:39 PM Re: Lost and all alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kathy
It's hard to say what to do, but as long as he knows you're there, you care and offer non judgemental support ( not always possible for a partner I know )
then when he's fed up with his space, thought whatever's bugging him out, then he knows there's a safe place waiting.

It's a selfish as hell I know, but I still have to get quiet at times and retreat into my shell.
And I don't need any logical reason to do it either, I just do....

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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