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#65108 - 03/25/03 09:51 PM Finally found happiness
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Hi everyone, I have made great strides towards my full recovery and am getting to the point where I think this is not the proper forum for my posts. I wish I could find a similar site for people struggling with separation and divorce issues. I will check in here from time to time and who knows, maybe there will be something I can offer to help. Here is an update of my “saga” and some new things that I have learned.
First, Lori is doing very well recovering from her surgery! She is in quite a bit of pain but the surgery went well and I can already see that she will be very happy with the results. I am SO happy for her. I know this (there are several more steps needed to complete the reconstruction) in the end will make her feel so much better about herself.
I am doing very well not imposing myself on her. I am giving her the space she needs to heal from the surgery, complete her school year, and work on herself. It has been very hard to be there for her as a friend (and have her as my friend) and not cross the line with an “I love you”, a hug, a kiss or other forms of affection (which I want to give her very very much). It is also difficult not to have her there to listen to what I’m working through and learning in therapy. I am able to share a little with her, but not in the way I would like. But she is NOT my therapist OR as I’m learning, she is not my MOTHER.
I have been working through my emotions rather well lately. I’m learning to separate them and understand where they are coming from. For example, I was driving to work Monday morning feeling very overwhelmed (from the weekend of taking care of the family, household and seeing Lori in so much pain), yet I was proud of myself for being so strong and how I am learning to process my emotions. I thought; I can’t wait to go to therapy tonight, my therapist will be very proud of me. Then I thought; I wish I could share all of this with Lori, she would be very proud of me. Then it came to me.....what I really have always wanted/needed, is my parents to be proud of me!
At therapy I realized that so much of what I have always needed from Lori was really trying to fill a void of what I didn’t get from my parents. Also, what made me particularly vulnerable to being manipulated by my abuser was “things” that I needed from my parents that I was not getting (attention, affection, and general emotional support).
I was wondering out loud to my therapist, “how could Lori not want me now? I am a kind, sensitive, loving man, a great father, and now a living, feeling human being again!” Her response was “when have you felt (how could she not want me) those feelings before?” Yes, my parents again! During my SA, I was the one who would get punished. I was the one who was sent away to school. Yes those are familiar feelings.
As far as the relationship between Lori and I, my therapist did say; it is Lori’s path to come to realize (or not) that our relationship and our family are worth saving (to her). Lori already knows how I feel about it. And I understand fully that the best thing I can do is stand back and let her go down that path. I must say, that is very scary because I have no control over where her path will lead (I suspect her mind is already made up).
These are all huge break throughs for me, and I am so proud of myself to have come this far. I think I am now well down the road of recovery, and am already happy and feel love for myself. I hope with all of my heart that Lori’s path will lead her back to me, but now I think that what ever happens I have what it takes to find happiness and fulfillment from within myself.

I thank you all very very much for your love, kindness and support. I could not have come this far without the support I have found here. You will all be in my heart and in my thoughts; I wish each and every one of you the very best. With much love, Ed


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#65109 - 03/26/03 12:47 PM Re: Finally found happiness
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Ed,
keep us updated on Lori's progress. I am glad that you have had to give up your control of Lori.
Last week I have had to give up control of Edwin's healing. The guys at our church are willing to hear Edwin's childhood pain. Edwin has not opened up to them. Of course tomarrow he starts 1 on 1 therapy. I feel much better since giving up control. :p A lot less stress. :p Talk to you soon.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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