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#65100 - 02/12/05 10:05 PM long vent about not fighting his battle
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
*******this post contains TRIGGERS***********
about religion and idiots.


My boyfriend has to work most Sunday afternoons, so he usually goes to church without the kids, and then right to work. He joined there not long ago (mostly to get out of the same church as his parents) so only a few folks really know him or our family there.

A few weeks ago someone else in our family went with him to church and took the kids. He walked in with the kids and then kissed them goodbye because he was going up front to sing, and they were going to sit with everyone else. NOSEY BITCH IN THE CHOIR came up to him and said, "Who are those girls, and what are you doing with them? Are you a pedophile or something?"

My sweet good-natured peaceful reverent boyfriend just said, "Excuse me, no, those are my children." And she said, "No, really, whose kids are they?" And he said, "They're my children" and didn't say anything more, and has just sort of avoided her since. He didn't mention this to the choir director or anyone else there, because "it's church and I don't want to make a big deal."

HELLO, said I. It's CHURCH, that's why you should make a big deal. These are the people who can't find the REAL pedophiles, this is supposed to be YOUR faith community and place of peace, you shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable there, especially in the choir where you give so much of your time.

Did I mention I am the more volatile one? :rolleyes: So next I said, "Can I meet her?" He said No, he doesn't want to bring it to church, if we run into her in town he'll point her out.

I am going to drop it. It's not my church, it's not my fight. I just wish I had the chance to put this woman in her place. When I was in college, so many of my guy friends were afraid to be around my kids or work with kids-- women in my neighborhood always want to know why my OWN BROTHER takes care of my kids! Then you have a bunch of second grade teachers wondering why they don't get many fathers volunteering to go on trips or be class parents. Why don't we let our young men be uncles and godfathers and big brothers without treating them like deviants, and then see if they have an easier time being dads? Why don't we respect loving, involved fatherhood where it exists?

In general I have a deep respect for my boyfriend's ability to choose his battles and keep other people's negative nonsense at a distance. In this case I do too. But I also get frustrated with this at times-- because I know that this is the sort of negative nonsense that he's NOT really keeping at a distance and there is no father in the world who wouldn't want to blast some prying idiot for calling him a pedophile--survivor or not. And since I don't really think we'll run into her in town I'm just going to have to be frustrated.


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#65101 - 02/13/05 12:25 AM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SAR
I lost all belief in any religion when I was about 11yo, and shit like this just confirms my choice for me.

I won't interfere with or argue about anyones religious beliefs, I just see too much hypocricy for my liking.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65102 - 02/13/05 03:14 PM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Hey Sar...

Geez what a wench! (Not you, the "lady" in question) Just as in anything else, there are idiots all around us! It's probably not 'the church' whatever one it is, but the IDIOT who took it upon herself to SAY such a thing.

Maybe next time your boyfriend sees HER with a child he could "return the favor"???

Actually, it might be a good idea for him to say something to the minister. If that lady does this kind of stuff regularly, she could eventually be the only member of this church.

Hugs,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

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#65103 - 02/13/05 06:26 PM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Lynn
Quote:
it might be a good idea for him to say something to the minister. If that lady does this kind of stuff regularly, she could eventually be the only member of this church.
That was my thought too.
Although not my only thought, which is why he declined my offer to accompany him this morning.
Maybe after Lent ;\)


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#65104 - 02/14/05 12:27 AM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
SAR,
I loved your title of the post- great "framing" for us readers! I always benefit from seeing others process so I welcome your venting.
I definitely see why you'd be angry and there's probably few more cynical than me about the organized church - but something struck me as I read that. Do you think that either in her past or someone's close to her, someone may have been victimized by a pedophile and now she's showing inappropriate hyper vigilance?
And I don't mean this faceitously- but i agree with you the woman needs education whether from the minister or whoever- and it sounds like maybe she would be open to it because she means well albeit, is going about it destructively.
thanks again for reminding us how much we can care and still work to have healthy boundaries! An
(edited for typos- please delete the above blank if possible!) thanks.


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#65105 - 02/14/05 11:17 PM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
Do you think that either in her past or someone's close to her, someone may have been victimized by a pedophile and now she's showing inappropriate hyper vigilance?
An, this crossed my mind too, I didn't read it faceitiously at all. I think in this case it might have more to do with people's fears about clergy abuse, since he does cantor and give time to the church, he's sort of a public face there. And I'm not saying those fears aren't legitimate at times, but I've never been a fan of paranoia and accusation as a solution for keeping entire groups of people safe.

I'm going to back off the thread, not because I don't appreciate the comments and validation (I do! \:\) ), but because I don't think it makes sense for me to put a lot of energy into this anymore. This woman only has as much power over me as I give her, and I've used too many words already.


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#65106 - 02/15/05 01:32 AM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SAR

Quote:
This woman only has as much power over me as I give her, and I've used too many words already.
Good choice, use the energy elsewhere. Somewhere it's needed.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65107 - 02/15/05 05:55 PM Re: long vent about not fighting his battle
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
sar,
wise choice to conserve energy. for others, though, i would like to contribute to this thread.

one of my perps was a minister and the husband of my maternal perp for a time. idiocy like the woman conveyed is a reflection not only of what sar pointed out about suspicion of caring fathers, but it is also a reflection of their own stupidity. their blindness is a choice they make that they know more than anyone else, which just shows how stupid they really are. a place of worship and fellowship should be just that, fellowship. however, the one place of peaace and solitude so often becomes the breeding ground of such stupidity. choosing where and when to make a stand is honorable and conveys wisdom, but at some point, such stupidity and cruelty will be faced.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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