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#65091 - 02/12/05 12:53 AM My Life is a Mess
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I donít feel like I can live in the same house with my husband anymore. He canít/wonít forgive me for accusing him when I found out about what his dad did. A social worker dropped into my house Tuesday night unexpectedly. I told her the whole story, and how we got to where we are now. My husband is furious that I told her about his dad. I didnít know how else the story would make any sense, as to why I felt suspicious of my husband, and why I now trust him because he told me that his Aunt said she was molested by his dad when she was 3. My husband thinks his dad will go to jail now or something. Iím just so tired. Iíve been dealing with all these ugly issues for too long. I coped with my own rape for so many years, and so much therapy. I donít feel like I have it in me to be any where near his sick family. He loves his dad and his brother and wants them in his life. My mom tells me just to never bring them up, donít think about them, just ignore it. Why canít I do that? I guess I wonít ever see my husband the same way. I told him I would pack a suitcase for him and leave it out in the garage because I donít want any more fighting in front of the baby. Iím scared about the social worker too! Why does he have to just get so angry with me? Maybe I made a mistake by telling her the whole story, but arenít we in the mess together? He tells me he doesnít respect me. I canít keep being around him then, because it will be too bad for my own self respect. Iím 12 weeks pregnant now. I canít imagine what it will be like to be a single mom, no job. Iím completely alone. No friends.


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#65092 - 02/12/05 01:47 AM Re: My Life is a Mess
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
I wish I had words that could help. You both are dealing with so many issues atthe same time, just take it slow and don't be too hard on yourself.

Hang in there.


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#65093 - 02/12/05 03:50 AM Re: My Life is a Mess
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi forLauren, I for one say well done! Maybe someone will check out the girl now.

About your husband and his dad, it seems to me that the dad has all of his victims in denial. Your husband loves his dad and therefor hopes/believes that he has changed. I think the only way his dad could go to jail is if one of the victims presses charges against him. I am sure it won't happen on your hearsay evidence.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#65094 - 02/12/05 03:40 PM Re: My Life is a Mess
beautifuldisaster Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/05
Posts: 85
Loc: usa
Hi there,
I have you in my prayers!!!!
I had 3 children all under 5 when my ex husband and I split. He had a lot of problems that I wont go into.....and let me tell you, it was the scariest time in my life. The thing you have in your corner is yours are little, even if you had to go to the state and get housing, food, job training etc...they wont remember a thing. By the time they are old enough things will have been resolved and settled. And, if your hubby works...you can go file a separation agreement and request temporary child support.
If you really feel the way you do, and you dont think he will come around then making the decision you are making probably would happen eventually. I tried to stay with my ex. We had no respect left for one another. I couldnt have that around my kids. He was trapped in his own problems and because I finally took a strong stance and didnt want to live hiding everthing from my family and his.........well we ended up divorced and still 3.5 yrs later things arent pretty. Now I have a hearing to take full custody and terminate his shared parenting agreement, which he never did anyway.
I made a commitment to have children. They have to come first. He made that commitment with me. He decided he came before the needs of our children. He still puts himself ahead of our children, he has never changed. We were/are on two differnt paths in life.
You can only do so much, and then you are no longer responsible. As long as you feel you have done every thing you can (that is reasonable, for crying out loud you have a baby and are pregnant!)
then there is nothing more you can do.
You might get a result out of this that is unexpected. Maybe it will be enough for him to decide to quit putting the perp ahead of the needs of his wife and children.
Good luck, and please keep us updated!

*by the way, while in divorce proceedings I met the man of my dreams...I am remarried, we are awesome parnters, he is a wonderful parent, the chance I took worked out to have a beautiful ending for myself and my children! They are crazy about him.

_________________________
I AM THE MASTER OF MY DREAMS,
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL-

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#65095 - 02/13/05 12:30 AM Re: My Life is a Mess
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
Maybe it will be enough for him to decide to quit putting the perp ahead of the needs of his wife and children.
Can't argue with that!

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65096 - 02/14/05 11:18 PM Re: My Life is a Mess
forlauren Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/04
Posts: 63
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
My life is a roller coaster! Once I told my husband I wanted him out of the house his tune completely changed. He started listening respectfully to me and was a sweetheart all weekend long. He stopped by at lunch today with Dim Sum and flowers, & a balloon for the baby to play with. Then the social worker called and told me she spoke with her supervisor and would have to report my husbandís father and could I tell her where he lives? I took the phone upstairs to tell her my husbandís convinced his sister isnít being abused and while I think his father is a sleazebag and will never be around him again or allow my children around him, my husband doubts his Auntís story because she recovered the memories under hypnosis. I know this will anger a lot of people but I honestly donít care anymore about that man or his family. I have to take care of my own. I donate to charities. I canít save the world. My husband got on the phone with the social worker and I told him to tell her that Iím a rape survivor as well, so my sensitivity to this issue is extremely high. He told her he believes his father will reciprocate and try to have our children taken away if we mess with his family. I think this will only make the social worker even more concerned. I feel like my mother (who happens to be a psychologist) is pretty upset with me for telling the whole story to the social worker. She thinks social workers are people too stupid to get actual counseling degrees. My mom suffered terrible poverty and abuse as a child, and was in foster homes and orphanages a lot. She says no matter how terrible things were at home, not eating a thing for 3 and 4 days in a row, she still would rather have been with her family than in any of those other places. She really thinks social workers are like wolves or vultures that just rip families apart.

I told my husband I was sorry as he was walking out the door. He said he loves me. That was a relief. I donít know if I made a mistake or not by telling the whole story. When the social worker stopped by it completely caught me off guard, and Iím pretty loopy and stupid with all the raging pregnancy hormones. Iíve always been a truthful person and it didnít occur to me in the moment to leave out any details, because I wasnít sure how to make my story make any sense as to why I felt safe with my husband or that I trusted him now without saying he found out more horrible things about his dad and was brave enough and honest enough to share them with me and the counselor. I phoned our shrink just now and told her weíre freaking out because the s.w. wants to report. I tried to let the s.w. know that our shrink is also a mandated reporter and weíve been working out the whole issue with her, and sheís free to discuss any of it with our counselor. She wanted me to tell her where my husbandís father lives but I didnít say. She ( the social worker ) is going to meet with my husband tomorrow at lunch. I am just praying my husband can keep his frustration with me for opening my big mouth under wraps and see that weíre in this mess together.

When I met with the social worker she told me to rent ďThe Celebration.Ē Itís an amazing movie about CSA. Hereís a link if you want to see a trailer: http://videodetective.com/home.asp?PublishedID=8368
I thought it was especially good how it portrayed the way people often just donít want to hear the truth, and I could really relate to that after how Iíve been treated by certain people I tried to tell the truth to.

I know most of you think it will be ďjust marvelousĒ if this guy gets reported. The truth is I really donít know for sure that my husbands little sister is in any danger. My husband scoured his dadís house and computer and found no child porn, which Iím sure heíd have if he were a bona fide pedophile. His sister seemed very happy and well adjusted to him. He did tell his father what he did with his brother and him was totally wrong. His father never actually touched them. His father volunteered to get a psychological assessment like my husband did if he thought it would help me to accept their relationship better. I donít think anything would actually help me accept that man, because heís said such disgusting things to me I donít ever want to be in his presence anyway. But maybe if I knew he passed all the tests saying he isnít actually attracted to children I wouldnít freak out every time I think about my husband even talking to him. I canít imagine him actually going forward with that type of testing just to please me, but maybe he would if he thought he had to in order to protect his family Ė maybe it would help in case CPS was trying to take his kid away? My husband and I have absolutely no idea what weíre going to do in this situation. I hope I get a call back from our counselor soon. Thank you for listening.


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