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#65080 - 03/25/03 06:04 PM TRIGGERING....My Story
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
In 1987, when I was 20 yrs. old I met my hubby. On our 2nd date, we played poker with nude cards. It was my first time with another guy that I saw a completely naked guys + women. Of course I was a virgin. I fell in love with my hubby when I first saw him. Hubby was gentle with popping my cherry. We cuddled naked + he eased his penis inside a few times before my cherry popped.
Afterwards I became a sexaholic, only with my hubby though. I wanted sex all the time. Hubby then introduced me to S&M. He tied me up to have sex. I loved it. I wanted to be tied up more often. Everything was so daring. I was a good little girl all through high school. No one would have even thought that I would have sex before marrage, let alone this rough.

He started to hit my butt some during sex + that was more stimulating. The S&M went further, being hit by a belt + a small cat-o-nine tails. We also experimented with clothespins on my nipples + other places. Clothespins by far was my favorate.
I still stuggle with the desire to nippleclamp myself.
On our honeymoon we spent a night in a XXX hotel room. Good strong XXX peepshows. There was a hook above the bed that I hung from by my wrists. I was whipped-butt + nipples then fucked by my hubby. I loved it. We went swimming naked in an indoor pool.
When I was pregnant the first time, I wore clothespins around the house with blinds drawn. Hubby had sex with me a bit less when I was pregnant. Hubby was there when son was born. He left for Gulf War when son was 3 days old. I felt so alone with a newborn infant that I moved back to my parents house. [My mom was very controling + nagged all the time.] When hubby came back from the war, son was 6 months old. With all that time without the S&M + sex plus breastfeeding a baby, I did not feel like having sex. Too tired - I do not remember the excuses. Hubby offerred porn. It worked. Now I had another stimulating sex toy. I combined everything + loved it. I also took good care of our son + life was pleasurable. Everything was going great until we were househunting.
1st house was what we wanted. It fell through. I became a little depressed. 2nd house was pretty good + I could be happy there. Could not work just 1 thing out. Fell through again. I fell in a deep hole of depression + let the housework slip more every day. 3rd house, I could not get myself to care. I thought that the deal would fall through. NOPE, WE GOT IT. I just did not like it.
A few months later I got a call from my mom. She was crying because my dad asked her for a divorace. I went in a cave of depression because mom would call me + tell me that dad had sex with her but still wanted a divorace. Mom had no friends to talk to that was not connected with dad.BUT SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TALKED TO ME ABOUT HER PROBLEMS WITH DAD!!!My dad had depression - I did not know. Then I got pregnant. All this time I was also playing with myself + clamping myself in order to feel pretty good for a short time. Hubby was starting to go isolate himself. I really did not care about him just me.I had sex with hubby 1 or 2 + with my hormones mixed up I was in a pool of depression. After I delivered I was in depression so very deep I could not even see a speck of happiness. I neglected my daughter all the way. She could not drink the regular formula so she was a bother to me at the time. I worked the closing shift about 30 mins away. I masterbated all the time. Ignored the needs of my little girl. Did not change her diaper or her clothes at all. Hubby worked all hours. Lots of manditory overtime. I did not clean house at all. The vaccuum was broken + dirty dishes all over the place. There were clean clothes in piles around the house. I felt that at least I washed the clothes. I think living like that for a year deepened my depression even more. My son being in Kindergarten was pretty much taking care of himself for that year.
Hubby's mom all during that year was trying to figure out what was wrong. She finally figured it out - DEPRESSION!!! I did not know that was what was wrong. Mom-in-law tried to get me to realize how bad my baby was healthwise. I was stubburn. It took my mom-in-law, dad-in-law, sister-in-law, + brother-in-law to talk to both of us about hubby's sister taking daughter temperaraly into her home until I got better. Hubby worked even longer so I thought. Daughter was taken out of our home day before her 1st birthday. The day I woke up from my depression is when hubby said IF OUR SON IS TAKEN FROM OUR HOME, I AM GOING TO DIVORACE YOU. I sort of remember thinking life without hubby?!? No way!!! So I worked on the house a little bit. I took the time to throw away everything that was taking over my life. All the collectable trading game cards, porno - books, magazines, toys. Everything that I could think of.At this time I had fantasies of being raped by our male friends. I was rubbing myself in public + not caring. I was wanting a lot more vile things to happen to me sexually. If our daughter had not been taken away to a safe home I would have gone into prostitution. It was about now that we found a church that presented a Bibical view of everything. Our Sunday School class teacher would stomp on my toes real good. Hubby would not let me miss a Sunday.We joined a few weeks later. I did not know whether or not I was a Christian. I struggled + struggled to get out of my depression. I ignored my hubby's need of sex. I had to get out of my depression. I started singing Hymns + thinking about the Lord. Sunday School class started a monthly Bible Study. I started learning about God + His rules of what is good in His view. 2 years went past + I was over my depression. Kept a pretty clean house. At the same time the women started a Bible study that I could lean on them + talk + heal about my daughter.7 or 8 yrs later I still do not have sexual relations with hubby. Everytime I thought of sex I wanted nipple clamps + maybe be whipped or something. We lost the house back in Sept + moved here. We found a great church. Mom has grown so she does not nag as much. You know the rest.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#65081 - 03/25/03 09:44 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
taipan Offline
Member

Registered: 03/09/03
Posts: 57
Loc: CT
Kim, I don't know quite what to say. I am truly sorry for the pain in your life. I am so glad you found your way out of your downward spiral before it was to late.
After being SA as an adolescent I thought it was my destiny to be SA in some way. Almost like it was my purpose in life. I acted out quite a lot in the years after being SA. I was on a very self destructive path. Fortunately, I didn't find my way into anymore abusive situations or my life could have quite easily gone down a quite different road. I was young enough so I was still in school and able to meet a very nice girl who became my focus in life and reason for being. That of course is part of my problem today, but probably saved my life then.
I am very happy you found your way through God. It is only he who holds unconditional love in his heart for each and every one of us.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and in my heart. With Love, Ed


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#65082 - 03/27/03 05:41 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kim
Can I ask a question ? tell be to go hang if you like, I wont be offended.

Your story is ..... hard to describe, it's scary in a lot of ways to hear about the way you escalated the 'games'.
But the courage and conviction you have now are incredible, especially as you give your husband so much support as well.

But the thing I curious about is whether you believe this chain of events and behaviours can be traced back to your husbands abuse, or can you trace it back to your childhood ?
And do you think you would have chosen this kind of sex with another partner ?

The reason I ask is that I'm curious about how some of us retreat away from sex with those we love, and others make the leap and enact their fantasies with them ?

If you don't want to go into this that's ok, but thanks for posting your story.
I know how hard that was for you Kim.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65083 - 03/28/03 05:32 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Dave,
I was not offended by your questions. To better understand SA effects on adults.

I believe it was a little bit of both. Hubby could not slow down his sexual wants. Hubby also was springing back from his girlfriend aborting his baby. He wanted someone to keep. He also told me that he felt that he was rescusing me from my mom to a normal life. \:\(

My Childhood.
My childhood was my mom hovering over me to protect me. My mom was also my best friend. I went to her like a girlfriend to gosship. I told her everything up until close to 11th grade.
There was a SA thing that happened when I was about 11 that happened only once.
My Grandpa felt me up on the excuse of feeling if I had wet pants. I do not think that any of his fingers went in my vigina.

I always remembered getting whatever I wanted as a kid. I was never punished. My mom + I had a conversation about this very thing. Mom could not punish me. I would just do something else.
Mom would not let me go play outside, I would go watch TV. Mom then took away TV, I would go read + so on.


My mom + dad both came from abusive families + promised not to do the same things to us. My mom was very overlyprotective + nagged us. My dad was a loner + read 5 newspapers a day. Dad rarely talked. My mom's dad was a violent alcoholic. My dad came from a home with 10 brothers + 1 sister. Did he have SA when he was a kid????????

1 other SA thing that happened is my other Grandpa put his whole hand on my leg + I could not move my leg. That happened when hubby was in the Gulf War + my son was already here. I did not like my Grandpa then. It only happened once.


Me as a kid was extremely friendly, overlytrusting. I trusted anyone with anything. I was very snotty. I was friends with everyone in school. I also listened into other peoples conversations. I was very skinny + cute. I thought I looked plain.
Would I have done this with differant partner???
Yes, I am pretty sure that I would have. I do not think that I could have started that sort of sex, but yet normal sex would have been a little boring.
Well, that's my story + I'm stickin' to it.
WITH MUCH LOVE, \:D
Kim


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#65084 - 03/28/03 06:51 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
I forgot something.
My dad regularly went outside of the marragebed several times when I was a kid.
I did not know this until they were trying to get me out of my depression. My dad also had depression throughout my childhood + never told me until you know when.
Okay. THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!!!
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#65085 - 03/29/03 06:36 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kim
I defy anyone to tell me what a 'normal' family life is, but it's a whole lot easier to relate a 'strange' family life and upbringing.

And I think that makes us more likely to give in to other people, either abusers or loving partners ; even bosses and other authority figures.
We weren't given the right tools for living when we were growing up, so how could we know any different ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#65086 - 03/30/03 04:12 PM Re: TRIGGERING....My Story
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Dave,
THANK YOU!!!!! \:D \:D

You are right!! It was a normal family life to me. I was not shown the right tools to handle the temptations of sexual desires.
That is now all in the past. :p \:D
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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