Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dm13 (39), Jaso (34), liliana888 (43), Raju (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (matt123, 2 invisible), 18 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64020 Topics
446788 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#64938 - 03/18/03 12:22 PM Re: Success???
wifenneed Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 91
Loc: Michigan
Thank you Dave for that...I bought that book a few months back after you suggested it to someone else (I think), and it did help. From what my husband has shared, he was abused 28 times, from the ages of 7 to 10. I think it was 2 boys, neighborhood creeps, and I don't know much more than that. They did harm his puppy he had at that time too, to prove they (or he) would do harm, I suppose if he chose to not keep quiet. I do not know what, where, when, etc., other than what he told me, which he has only told me as far as I know, in this detail. He sought counseling years ago and it did him a world of good. He manages very, very well, and from what we have talked about he is a totally different person than he was prior to couseling. It must be a monumental effort for persons to just survive sometimes. He attempted ending his life twice, over a decade ago. I am so thankful he did not succeed. I have never been SA, nor ever spoken to someone who had been, prior to meeting him. We are both in our late 30's. I have two children girls, ages 3 and 5, and he is wonderful with them, and any children for that matter. He has two daughters also, teenagers though.

All I want to do is love and support him, however sometimes I feel bad about being shut out or shut off. Guess that's only natural. I consider myself very fortunate in that we have a solid communication system most of the time, and intamcy is usually never a problem...I leave that up to his comfort level. He is attentive to me, and does not seem to have a problem intimacy. He does say that he still has trust issues, but I don't know about what? He has told me more than seems necessary about the SA, and I don't care if he ever tells me more.

Well I've rambled on. Thank you again for your reply......I wish I knew what happens when he just clams up and goes away. Only nods his head and usually gives one word answers to things. It is hard to know how to balance what he needs and what I need, which are opposite in these situations.....I need communication and open-ness and comfort, he needs to be left alone, but it's important to him that "I am there". Conundrum indeed.

Thank you-wifenneed


Top
#64939 - 03/18/03 03:39 PM Re: Success???
SandyW Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
Thanks! I did just get the book (from the MS bookstore). I'll probably have better luck reading it myself and paraphrasing for my husband. He's not much on reading.


Top
#64940 - 03/19/03 08:06 PM Re: Success???
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifenneed
Thanks, your husband is a lucky man to have your support. I know how much it means and I'm very guilty of not telling my wife just how much.
Sometimes we're like that though, we just go quiet and nod a lot.

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#64941 - 03/27/03 05:03 PM Re: Success???
PAS Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Hi - I am a partner of a SA and my relationship has many more ups and downs than I'd like, but on the whole I'd say our relationship is pretty workable.

The realtionship is difficult because I can never be 100% for certain the mood he may be in at any one time, or if he's having a flashback/stuck in the past day/week or has been recently triggered, but he is at least getting much better at telling me about these events when they happen rather than shutting me out. Doesnt stop him from being really weird at times though.

Our sex life is not as complicated as perhaps others as my BF's abuse was molestation (no more than two incidences) He admits that he probably would be suffering more if it had gone on longer, if he was younger (he was an older teen - 16 or 17 when it happened) and if there was significant violence (there was coercion but not violence). There was no violence and no penetration. HOWEVER this is not to imply that molestation/fondling is not traumatic on its own. He does suffer and has for a long time. The fact that he could never tell anyone and that he came from an ultra-conservative catholic family was the biggest problem for him - he has struggled so much because he's stuffed it all inside himself for half his life.

He certainly still does exhibit a behavioural response to this molestation though - he exhibits through hypersexual behaviour more than anything. (His sexual past right after his molestation is quite scary). However, since we've been together he's never gone beyond the bounds of our relationship or himself to get "satisfied" (nor has he ever cheated - one of his great traits is that he is very loyal) so I"m not too worried. He says that he does get very calmed and feels very protected when I put my hands "around him" - like I'm protecting him from harm or something - I have no doubt that this is definitely related to his molestation. HOWEVER there have been times when he has been too afraid to have sex - which is OK with me - I try to be compassionate and give him a shoulder to cry on and let his needs be the most important at that time. I need to make him feel safe and OK during those times.

What is important to keep in mind with our relatioship is that despite our being in a relationship, we are also long-time childhood friends (long before the SA), which has put me in a unique position of trust. I think with others he has not been so trusting or felt so safe.

With respect to emotional intimacy, he does sometimes become emotionally unavailable, but he usually comes around after a few days.

He DOES put in a lot of work on his recovery though. He has been in counselling off and on for about 5 years, he practices meditation/reiki, we have an active spitual life, he does journalling, and he is also launching a case against his perp. so he is well into his recovery.

I DO know that his past was not so rosy however. He has a very poor relationship track record, has had serious problems with intimacy, and has well over a decade of alcohol and drug abuse (pot, LSD, etc) under his belt. It would be safe to say that if I had met him ten years ago we certainly would not have had a workable relationship.

I suppose with respect to a relationship with a SA, I think it all depends on where in the recovery process you come in. Early on it must be tough. Well into the recovery phase it certainly is workable - you have to accept some pretty unpleasant realities, but it *can* work.

I guess with a lot of things, timing is everything.

- Soc


Top
#64942 - 03/27/03 05:29 PM Re: Success???
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Soc
what you say in your post is absolutly right, we ARE difficult people. But we don't want to be, and hopefully we're fighting our way through it.
And support like yours makes our fight that much easier.

Another point you make is certainly true, and it's been made many times before here. But you've said it so well it's worth highlighting for those that come and look at the site and think "what happened to me was nothing compared to these guys"

Quote:
my BF's abuse was molestation (no more than two incidences) He admits that he probably would be suffering more if it had gone on longer, if he was younger (he was an older teen - 16 or 17 when it happened) and if there was significant violence (there was coercion but not violence). There was no violence and no penetration. HOWEVER this is not to imply that molestation/fondling is not traumatic on its own. He does suffer and has for a long time.
There is no league table for abuse, the 'worse' the abuse doesn't mean that the effects are worse.
Just being touched, even being exposed to to porn and flashers, can have a devastating effect.

I would hate it if someone left this site because they felt that what happened to them wasn't 'bad enough'.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.