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#64853 - 03/05/03 10:42 AM 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
SandyW Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
This is what I've learned thus far...I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor

1. Identify your own triggers. I read the article on this site by Ken Singer (http://malesurvivor.org/articles.singer2.html) and learned that is applies to me as well! By learning my own triggers and dealing with them appropriately, I am able to make our home an environment that is conducive to my husband’s healing.

2. Give constant reassurance…and not just verbally. Be a woman of action and honor him. Do the boring mundane details that show unconditional love and acceptance. I make my husband’s lunches to take to work everyday, serve him a hot dinner when he gets home every night (even the nights he works until 8 or 9), make sure his clothes are clean and away, keep his home in order, keep his children cared for. Sound ridiculous, oppressive, or even chauvinistic? So what? Some nights, I put on a dress and heals for no other reason than for him to see me look nice. Is this anymore ridiculous than nagging, self-loathing, or anger? Try it! Really, it works.

3. Reassure him that you still desire him sexually. Not to do so will only reinforce his feelings of inadequacy, that he is “dirty”, and unlovable. Gentle and patient reassurance here will help to teach him that sex can be and is intended to be a healthy expression of love. So what if you have to initiate? Understand there is so much shame her that he is afraid to.

4. Don’t minimize or invalidate. Remember he is still seeing this from the perspective of the child he was when the incident occurred. Forcing your perspective will only hurt him. As he heals he will begin to see that he was victimized. Be patient and give him time to grow. He didn’t grow physically from a child to an adult overnight, so don’t expect him to grow emotionally from a child to an adult overnight. Be supportive of whatever action he decides to take, even if at this point its no action at all.

5. Accept your husband. Remember you can hate the situation and all the environmental factors that led to it. No matter what you do it won’t change the past. Unconditionally accepting your husband doesn’t mean you accept the situation…it means you’re mature enough to get past it together.


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#64854 - 03/05/03 12:54 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Sandy,

Thank you for these. My wife & I, I think our relationship is such that I can give her these & she won't take offense. She does a pretty good job with all this anyway I think. But I think she'd like something like this from another
"survivor wife." I know it's not easy for her.
Thanks again.

Your husband is fortunate to have a wife who even considers doing these kinds of things. I am too. My best to you & your husband.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#64855 - 03/05/03 01:22 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Sandy-
Thank you so much for posting these. They certainly are not easy things to do, but definitely important and it is great to have a list to refer to when things get difficult. It is not always easy to be patient and understanding and for me, even more difficult to not take things personally. My boyfriend and I saw a show with a man going through recovery and he said it was like he was emotionally retarded. We both try to remember that, as he works through everything. We are not together now, but even if we end up nothing more than friends, your words of wisdom will surely help. Thank you so much.


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#64856 - 03/05/03 08:55 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sandy
1. YES
2. YES
3. YES
4. YES
5. YES

somebody is a VERY lucky man, thank you for that.

Dave

PS. and I don't mean that in any chauvanistic way at all.

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#64857 - 03/06/03 04:10 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Hi Sandy W.,
1. No I have not identified my own triggers, but I realize I need to to help Mr Edd.
2. I am trying to do this more without prompting.
3. I did this until Mr Edd hit a point that he was grossed out by the thought of any sex or touching - lasted 2 days --- very, very long 2 days.
4. I do not minimize the sexual abuse at all on purpose.
5. There was no possible way for me not to accept Mr Edd as he is or will be in the future -- I am a Christian walking close to the Lord.

:p :p ;\) \:\) :p :p

Thank you Sandy for opening my eyes that I have a lot of work to do for Mr Edd to heal from his tramas as a child.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#64858 - 03/06/03 04:34 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Kim,

MrEdd is worth every bit of it.

So are you. Don't take all the burden for his healing on your shoulders. Be sure to take care of you, too. You'll take better care of him then, anyway.

MrEdd is blessed to have you for a wife Kim. Of course I'm sure he knows that.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#64859 - 03/08/03 09:01 PM Re: 5 Ways to Support Your Husband the Incest Survivor
SOUTH OF NY Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/08/03
Posts: 7
Loc: COLUMBIA, SC
I WISH I HAD SEEN THAT POST SOONER. LOVED IT.

_________________________
FINDING MYSELF

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