As you may already know, I have been searching for answers and understanding in the last weeks following my love's latest outburst of rage.
Since last week, I have been in a process of change. This process has been triggered by a necessity to detach myself from my love in order to protect myself and not be overcome by sadness and despair. This week I was able to understand that the initial fear I had was not only linked to physical closeness (because I am also a survivor in healing) but linked to the process of detachment itself. It suddenly clicked that what my love projected on me (he associated me with his mother) was exactly what I projected onto him (I had turned him in a very unconscious twisted way into my mother). So, doing some detachment brought me back to a very regressive position of a toddler trying to leave his mom to explore the world. A normal kid knows he is loved and therefore he is safe because he can go back to his mom at any time when in danger if he needs to. Because of my own past, this detachment triggered an enormous panick (to the point I had to stay in bed for two days). I projected that fear in the last few days on my groups at University and in my dance therapy session. Strangely enough, in psychology classes we have been told that the group symbolizes the mother !
I have been able to overcome this fear but most of all I have been able to bring into consciousness something very archaic stuck in the unconsciouss. This goes much deeper than simple "co-dependency" (which I had dealt with last year). In the psychoanalitical light, I have been left as a child in a fantasy about an ideal merging state with my mother. But why did this happen ?
1) I was taken away from my mom straight after my birth (because I was born at 7 and a half
month) so it engraved the fear of being abandon
2) I am an identical twin (so all I knew from the second I was conceived was about merging)
3) I was abused by my father (another type of merging) and I was abandoned to him by my mother(another type of abandon)
I am very proud to say that I have understood something crucial about me this week which is also very crucial for any kind of relationship.
I apologize to V, my love, for any kind of dysfunctional behaviour I had because of this. I understand he might have tried to fight against it (both of us being blind about it, it was clumsy all along).
I, therefore, take responsability for anything that happened that was wrong from my part.
Consequently, I have been feeling in love all this week: I am in love with life, in love with myself, my life and my newly found freedom.
I love him, my wonderful brave friend, in a much freer way. I thank him for all the things he has brought into my life !!!
Warmest regards to all
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !