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#64767 - 01/29/05 06:38 PM Re: Understanding why
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Hi Helping2ways,
Yes on what you're thinking as to the whys. Try to get a copy of Victims no Longer and read the chapter 22 for Friends and Family - it's exactly what happened. that after sharing, he will have mixed feelings and the irrationality is his fears unacknowledged and thus going haywire.

I know my guys behaviors sometimes made me question my grip on reality and that's where the book and understanding where the irrationality comes from made me so much more able to handle it healthily- both for me and for him. But how awful that it did damage at your workplace! and you're between a rock and a hard place with that situation I realize because you can't explain the guys behavior to your employer- I hope you can find some comfort and answers in the books and here. I can't imagine having processed through my guys behaviors productively without these resources. Take care,An


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#64768 - 01/29/05 06:52 PM Re: Understanding why
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Hi again helping-

had to mention too that for me, when i read about the trusting cycle and how it arouses intense fear because they have trusted us, and thus , like you experienced, just after the best of times, is the worst of times, seeing why made me keep my sanity. And trust the good times. it actually told me the good times were as real to him as they were to me, only because of the different places our psyches are in, our reaction to the good times of trusting is opposite. For now, I'm just taking comfort in knowing that his experience of trust and comfort was real and powerful for him- when the time is right he'll use the power for instead of against himself - I celebrate the trusting times and come here and everywhere else that offers me insight and understanding so I can be transcendent during the "blackout" times.

easier said than done though I know, and I especially feel awful that he did damage to you workwise.
is he at all into recovery? I would have no hope if my guy hadn't begun recovery and didn't want it badly (in spite of his hesitancy and understandable approach-avoidance to it). But if he wasn't working on recovery, it would just be a vicious cycle as you mentioned- i know I'd give up then.
You've made me think that I've got to talk to him about us making sure that at least with every one step back, we manage two steps forward... you've got me thinking about ways we need to perhaps try to plan for that the next time things are going good.... take care-
(ps i'm a female partner of a survivor)


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