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#64759 - 09/12/06 03:15 AM Questions for the Survivors...
HelpMeHelpHim32 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/12/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Louisiana
I believe my father in law may be sexually abusing my fiance'... I need to know how likely this is...

Story:

My fiance' is 23 years old. His father is the leader of a local motorcycle club. Big, hairy, mean.. typical biker... but not to his family... to his family, he's the sweetest guy... I thought he was the most awesome man for a long time... My fiance' and I have been together for nearly 5 years and he's the most beautiful man I've ever met... He's uplifting, intelligent, caring, he treats me like a princess... and he is my prince... needless to say, he's my soulmate in every way..

Still to this day... but I need to tell this story...


2 weeks before Christmas, 2005, we went over to his dad's house for a party... there was drinking and a bit of drug usage... When I met my prince, he had a horrible addiction to... well, everything... but once we got together, so much changed.. we were each other's drug and that was all each of us needed...

So there were drugs at the party... and the party lasted all night... At the time the only people at the house were his dad, his dad's girlfriend, my prince, and I... Well, g/f and I were on the sofa visiting while they were into the bathroom... they were in there for a while but it was not uncommon because of the circumstances... Well, when they came out his father's hair was all messed up and sweaty and my prince looked weird... I saw it instantly but I couldn't really put my finger on any reason they would look like that...


Well, soon after, my prince began acting very strangely and stating that his dad didn't want him there... saying that he could tell he didn't want him there etc etc... kind of freaking out... so we ended up leaving with my prince being adamant about his dad not wanting him there... Well, we went back home and he needed the bathroom... this is alittle graphic but I have to get this out... I was sitting on the bed and he had the bathroom door open and when he strained he let out this horrible cry of pain... remember his mind was hindered by drugs so I suppose he didn't realize what he did.. I said, "what's the matter???" I was really worried... he said, "oh nothing, nothing, let's just take a bath... " He had been running the water since he had gotten on the toilet so it was almost full when we got in... he, again, cried out in pain... at that instant, by his face, I just knew... something had went on...

He denied it, and freaked out and said not to tell anyone and that people were going to call him a "daddy f%gget" (his word, not mine)... I don't know why he would think I would tell anyone... but he obviously did think that...

I was still asking him... not being mean, or ugly... I just wanted to help him... I love him so much... I would do anything to help him... I kept asking him to talk to me, but he kept saying that I was wrong, and that I was crazy... I didn't tell anyone... but surprisingly, he told the one person I thought would be the last person he would tell.. he brought me to his dad's house and made me face him... and said, "Daddy, Danielle thinks you stuck your d&*k up my a**, can you please tell her she's crazy!" And his dad, this big burly biker... did something so out of the ordinary... he's always loved me and treated me with utmost respect... but I just knew I was going to get beaten right there... Instead, he said, "Awww baby... that's just crazy..." in the most calm voice I've ever heard... then he told me and my prince to get down.. which we did... I was a zombie most of that time anyway... I wasn't really there...


And I suppose my questions are:


Could I be wrong?

Could my prince have repressed this or is he just holding it from me?

If what I think is true, why would he do it??

If he did do it, what are the chances that he will do it again, with him being an adult right now?

Is there a chance he can heal from this?

Will he ever admit this to me?

If he loved me, then why?


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#64760 - 09/13/06 04:26 AM Re: Questions for the Survivors...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Danielle,

Just going by what you say here, my guess is that your fiance was abused by his father in the bathroom during the party. His painful injuries speak to this, as also does his comment about fearing people would taunt him with homosexual insults. But most of all, what was that theater performance at his father's house??!! If it wasn't true that his father had abused him, then the father would be totally unaware of any suspicions about this. Your fiance would hardly have been likely to march right up to him with you in tow, pop such a question on him in front of you, and instead of getting a shocked and defensive reaction, receive a slick soothing reply like the one you got.

You ask a lot of powerful and important questions, and with so little information there's not a lot that can be said. My first thought is that perhaps your fiance was abused by his father when he was a boy. If that was the case, then it would explain why he would succumb to another assault at the age of 23. An abused boy is often utterly traumatized by what is happening to him and reduced to feelings that he is worthless as a person and powerless against abuse. Later in life, if an abuse situation arises again, those feelings may surge back and the abuse will be repeated. If this is what happened, it doesn't reflect anything concerning his love for you; it simply shows how utterly devastated he still is.

You should bear in mind, of course, that this is just the scenario that makes sense to amateur me right now, based on not a whole lot of information. As for his future behavior, that's difficult to predict. It sounds like he is gutted by what happened, so he may want to make sure it doesn't happen again. Shame and fear of rejection can keep survivors shut up for a long time, and any support you can show him will help here.

I like to think that there is no survivor who cannot heal, but as a survivor myself I have a vested interest in that perspective.

I hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#64761 - 09/14/06 02:37 PM Re: Questions for the Survivors...
HelpMeHelpHim32 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/12/06
Posts: 3
Loc: Louisiana
Thank you so much for responding... I am at a loss... I've tried so hard to convince myself that I'm crazy... I just can't do it... it would be so much easier than believing what I do now...

You said to show him support... can you give me examples of what ways I can support him? I want to do everything I can... and even if, in the end, we choose to separate, which will be my choice, not his, I will still do everything I can to help him heal...

His brother and his wife are having problems right now in their marriage, also... he was unfaithful to her and this ended with the other woman becoming pregnant for him... but he loves his wife more than life... I can vouch for that... even though he doesn't know how to show it... he gets very abusive at times... as does Stephen... mostly when we are pulling away from them...

Anyway... his wife is to the point of dissolving the marriage... she can't take it anymore... his brother is near a nervous breakdown... he's been offshore so all he could do is call and talk to her... he's been slowly disclosing information to her... and he said he would reveal all the trauma of his childhood when he came home... his wife, knowing how close to insanity I was at the beggining of this year, said that she would tell me if he revealed any sexual abuse... I would never tell my prince this, nor would I reveal to my brother in law, the disclosure..

So more questions...

Please tell me examples of how I can support him without causing him more mental anguish...


And please tell me how to handle the information that my sister in law (we call each other sister in laws even though my prince and I are not married) may reveal to me? Should I approach him? Should I wait until he's ready to tell me?


I also need to know what the likelyhood is of my prince committing suicide if I find that I cannot handle the truth... he's a cutter and he has deep scars in his arms from prior cool off times that we've had... I worry that if I truly tell him it's over, then he may feel he has nothing left... his family, for some odd reason, has all become closer to me than him... when we have broken up in the past, they would continue to talk to me and treat him like a lepper(spelling?)...

So many questions... Sorry \:\(
Danielle


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#64762 - 09/19/06 01:26 AM Re: Questions for the Survivors...
nursemanda25 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 18
Loc: KS
Being a cutter doesn't really (usually) have anything to do with suicidal thoughts.
Cutting and other forms of self-mutilation typically are a release and a form of coping with stress that one doesn't know how to cope with.
I know because I used to do this as well (thankfully I am not permanently physically scarred).
I knew about my husband's csa before we married, but didn't know what it all meant in the context of our relationship. I think that if your fiance did experience sa, then you are very lucky to know ahead of the marriage and to have found this discussion board. It won't be easy, and you'll put up with alot of crap... I know I have, and I finally had to make some boundaries to protect my own emotional wellbeing.
I hope you get the answers you need and make a decision regarding your future that will be the best for all in the long term.


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#64763 - 09/19/06 04:19 AM Re: Questions for the Survivors...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Danielle,

As nursemanda says, cutting isn't an indication of suicidal thinking. Cutters do that for a lot of different reasons.

One of the most common is a desire to regain control. The survivor feels that his life is tumbling along with harm and bad feelings hitting him from every direction, while he is helpless and powerless to do anything about it. When he cuts he causes himself more pain, but he is in control; he is the one who determines how he will be hurt.

Another reason for cutting is that the survivor finds he doesn't feel anything at all; all his emotions have been stuffed back and restricted for so long that he feels nothing about anything in his life. By cutting he gives himself something to feel.

To someone who has never suffered the kind of trauma that causes a survivor to cut, neither of these reasons will make a lot of sense. But so much about our reaction to abuse is pure emotion and doesn't have anything to do with reason in the first place. Cutting shows just how extreme the emotional harm of abuse can get.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64764 - 09/19/06 05:01 AM Re: Questions for the Survivors...
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Danielle,

On how to support your fiance, I would say first of all don't try to "fix" anything or propose solutions. That's a natural tendency when you love someone, but you can't fix things for him and that isn't what he needs.

When I was hurting so bad, what I needed most - and got - from my wife was the following:

Assurances of innocence: I felt disgusted and ashamed at what had been done to me, and I wondered why I didn't do more to keep safe and why, after a point, I just did whatever he wanted without comment or complaint. My wife kept telling me that I was a kid and how could any of this be my fault. That helped me a lot, not just because she was assuring me that I wasn't to blame, but also because she was showing me that she believed in me even when I didn't.

Encouragement to talk: My wife didn't press me to talk about things, but she let me know that she was ready to listen. We now make sure that every morning, after my son has gone to work and the dog has been appeased, we make time for coffee together. I make a pot of Turkish coffee and we sit and talk about whatever. Not "did you do this or that", but "these are my needs". Sometimes she can see that I'm not yet ready to talk about something that's on my mind, so she lets it go for the time being. But the message is still there that she is ready to listen.

Boundaries: This was especially important and still is. My wife lets me know in all sorts of ways that she still loves me regardless of what terrible things I have to tell her, but at the same time she insists on her boundaries. She refuses to become a new victim, and she insists that while she understands I am in difficulty, I still have family and personal responsibilities. She doesn't expect me to get it right every time, but she expects me to give it my best effort.

Communication: I think the most important thing she has done for me is to insist on open communications, even when it hurts. The result is that there are no forbidden topics between us and each of us can talk about our concerns and ask for what we need. That has been incredibly important to me, since the message I got from abuse was that my needs didn't matter and that my first priority had to be to keep silent and make sure no one knew what was wrong. That false lesson is a tough one to unlearn, even as an adult!

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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