this will be my second to last posting on this board. This posting contains the end of what I know of my "own story of supporting a survivor and a sex offender" ....
thank you to those in the past approximately 2 years who have truly helped me, given me a place to vent when needed. Suggestions when needed, hope when needed and finally the additional pain to push my already fractured and emotional self into the same place from whence I came.
Last night I was physically attacked and beaten for about half an hour? -- time slows, so it could have been shorter or longer, only the 911 tape will eventually tell the length of the attack.
I had put myself into the psych ward the day my separated spouse told me he was going ahead with divorce. I had been actively seeking and working on committing suicide for some few days or weeks prior? I still dont know as a diabetic time again becomes very skewed without food.
I met a man who played guitar, who seemed reasonable enough to occassionally join together in public place to bring my voice , his guitar, my guitar and his voice together in song at a many wonderful coffee shops.
I knew he is an alcoholic, I expressed my boundaries - if he had imbibed we did not in anyway have contact. Over the last 3 days he had been long on a binge. I kept my boundaries and did not respond, but last night after 3 days of consistent phone calls every 40 - 60 min. I erronously believed I could "talk to him", but mostly under the guize to get my "gig" bag back from him. I had made the mistake while he was sober of letting him use it so as not to ruin his guitar in wet weather.
I entered his home, was attacked and beaten and held down and clothing stripped from me for about a half an hour. YES I used my PD training, YES, I was in severe physical trouble strainging my diseased heart and body, YES, I begged & screamed into my cell phone for EMS as I was having an MI - this man kept attacking me as much as possible to keep my Nitro from me.
I used my keys as a weapon as taught, and bit off two of his fingers during the struggles. He had placed a padlock OUTSIDE the back door not allowing me exit, -- I struggled for my very LIFE from a heart attack, not from the potential of yet another rape. He tore my underwear from me.
In the end the police were able to break in the back door and rescue me. BUT....
I got arrested and sent to jail for Assault and Battery for using my keys to defend myself and biting him in defense of myself.
When asked did I want or need to call anyone I replied no. Officers faces were stunned looking, but who was I to call? I have no ability to remember phone numbers, and I knew they would not allow me access to my cell phone pre programmed. AND to bail me out only to go to AM court this morning? It was not worth it, I was exhausted and quickly fell asleep thank you to my narcolepsy in a quite comfortable steel bed with a blanket for my head.
I was awakened some time later by a guard who told me someone had "paid my bail". Foggy from my narcolepsy and sleep I stumbled and got my things to find a girlfriend with one hand on her hip explainging to some "Cop" in that mother tone of if you cross me and hurt my child death shall become you tone.....
I asked her why she bailed me out, how she even KNEW I was in there and she said the cops had called my daughter who had called her.
And then I noticed several feet in the darkened background "hubby", I asked did he pay also. He said "yes half". My girlfriend drove me home, but as I was getting into her car, "hubby" was entering his and I saw a smile across his face.
A smile that was not one of anything but pure smugness.
My girlfriend and I drove away, laughing as I lit up a smoke and we talked for some time. She told me how he was more than wanting me to spend the night in jail, to not "bail me out", she responded with a "its your choice" turned on her heel and walked away and proceeded to gather money for me and go through the process. I dont know at what point he put in "his half".
It mattered not and still matters not.....
His smile spoke so loudly and clearly and it was the final release of my soul of these past few years.
I am not bitter that he did nothing to stand beside me during this time, though the flashes of the pre trial officer brought back the memories of me standing and being yelled at yet again by this same officer when he went to court and I stood beside him as he faced Rape charges.
In some ways, there are days I have muttered "If I only knew the ending I would never have.... " and I stop myself because I know myself well enough that I am NOT the kind of person who can sleep at night having "abandoned" even the most lost of souls.
I move on now from this website, with some small gratitudes, for the lessons learned and the help and prayers provided.
And move on with some bitterness about this website also. Feeling let down and failed upon in my darkest hours for needing to be heard and supported.
I send a special Thank you to "Crisis point" Scot -- because you are Truly a Surviving , Thriving Man....
May Peace Find Us All and our hour of Deaths be sweet.