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#64574 - 01/20/05 12:59 AM Is this really worth it?
beautifuldisaster Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/05
Posts: 85
Loc: usa
First I want to say thank you to the support of the other f/f on this board. And to the survivors who come here to support us in helping those we love, your being so open and honest is helping to help us support the ones we love better!

I have really only been lurking around here lately. I dove straight in, and it was overwhelming me, so I cant imagine how my husband feels.
I am here today however, because since Saturday my husband has been horrible to live with. He is trying to pin it on something else, but I know for sure it is the fact that I am working on my own personal issues, and have discussed with him supporting him in facing his issues. I bought Mike Lew's book and gave it to him with a note saying there is no pressure, but there are resources to help him (us!).
He treated it like the plague, and it took about 5 days for him to finally open the card and read it. I only know because he left it lying where it was opened, maybe for me to see.....or not.
Our issues are centered around intimacy, and for the most part we are extremely functional partners running a family. The damage control is great in all areas except where we are vunerable.
So, without verbally pressuring him I am beginning to see he see's my work on myself and the book AND the offer of support as pressure.
We have never even come close to leaving our relationship.....and he has even mentioned that to me. I dont want to live missing out on all the things we "could" have. But, it scares me to death he could actually consider leaving me because this is far too painful to face. Also, it makes me feel he thinks that I see him as "broken", and the enchantment we held for one another could be stolen by this move.
Is this a phase? Is this the beginning of his deciding to look at this and work on it? Or, did I push it too far?
I know I have impacted the fact that he NEVER wanted to even think of it.....
but now what?

_________________________
I AM THE MASTER OF MY DREAMS,
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL-

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#64575 - 01/20/05 01:37 AM Re: Is this really worth it?
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
the differnce between men and women

Quote:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
dont try to change him and dont try to tell him what he u think he needs to do. mabe ur ideas r not whats best for him. think of it like a big rtoom with no windows nd no lite. its gonna take him a lil time to figure out where hes at and were the walls r. u can be a candle or u can be the walls closing in ohn him...

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#64576 - 01/20/05 02:16 AM Re: Is this really worth it?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi beautifuldisaster

Quote:

So, without verbally pressuring him I am beginning to see he see's my work on myself and the book AND the offer of support as pressure.
Many survivors are afraid of change-- I remember some good stuff from your other thread about being accommodating when it came to the survivor making changes in his own life-- maybe he sees your change as threatening in the same way that you saw his at first?

It is always good advice for a couple to spend as much time as possible having fun and keeping busy together-- stay away from abuse issues and just hang out with him, love him. That will reassure him that you are still best friends and loving partners better than your words could.

In terms of recovery and working on yourself-- it's common for similarly unhealthy people to find each other and fall into unhealthy patterns... and then for one of them to panic when the other tries to abandon that for something healthier. Don't let his fears and old tapes keep you from being your best, and don't let yours keep him down either. \:\)


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#64577 - 01/22/05 02:46 PM Re: Is this really worth it?
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
Hi BD- since I know i was one of the suggesters re; getting the book, i feel obligated to speak- i think you may have said you got 2 copies- For me I only bought one to start and that book was for ME my lifeline through those hard times. I so many times was at the brink of buying him a copy - I didn't but i had given him other similar things- the first book I'd found (Abused Boys) and he reacted EXACTLY like your guy re seeing it as more pressure than resource. It took all my codependency learnings from the past to not buy him a copy of Victims No Longer. when he wanted, I did lend him my book Short term but I marked it all up and really have ownership. I told him how without it, I couldn't imagine I'd still be talking to him and that was so true...

I liked Al's analogy and have the added experience of knowing that for us partners, sometimes that's what the room feels like for us too , so we come to these boards, needing the boards to be our candle. it's as easy for us as it is for them to get lost in the darkness.

I know there are still hard times ahead,but aftter 9 months of often feeling like my bf just threw away my "extreme" love, he's come fully around and is just amazing me now- he's the man I knew I'd met and all good parts of the man I knew he was when I met him but seemed to be totally lost once he started dealing with the csa.
he tells me now it was fear more than anything that kept him from trusting our connection BUT I realize that our reltionahip is working now not just because of his change- I'm realizing now it is just as attributable to my growth and learning, especially from these boards, and totally letting off the csa focus was important. even though it did so seem like I was walking around the elephant in the middle of the room often. I needed to realize his needing to be totally free of "dealing" with it when it wasn't his time, again something i learned form the boards, especially from reading the guys boards. I'd also have to frankly say i did feel their was some element of projection- that is, that his struggle was much more within himself about the csa but the struggle was projected as a struggle with me- he says it was the association which makes sense. I was out there bringing up this stuff and wanted to deal with it and it was painful so he reacted to me pushing me away because I represented the pain- even though he knew i wasn't the cause, I reperesented Awareness of it and it was that he needed to initially push away. Again reading Victims No Longer till the pages wore thin got me through and the boards. the guys who said, if you can, hang in there , it's Fear , were sent from heaven. Cause their encouragement helped and they were so right.
I know we're in a honeymoonish phase right now and we both acknowledge there will be more bumpy times ahead but if you can hang in there, I can tell you my experience has been worth it and it was truly when I Least expected it.

I really did like Al's candle analogy though. I have felt like that candle. I had to learn Candle, not Spotlight! (in my enthusiam for recovery i can get way too intense!) . we want to draw closer to the light of candles, but retreat from spotlights where what happens is a performance or something to be scrutinized . In contrast what happens in candlelight is close and intimate. rambling a bit with my thoughts there but it's relevant for me. I used to always approach things very gently when i was younger and want to get that back that way of expressing myself .
Please no matter what BD , take care of yourelf! You came here just a bit after me I remember. I hope things get easier for you cause I know it's so hard...... take care,An

edited by me for typos


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