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#64561 - 02/17/03 12:43 AM Sad and Alone
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Hi... just wanting to write. I feel so sad and alone today. Very frustrated that after so many years and so much time spent with a survivor and so much effort put in by both of us that we are now apart. We both agreed that he needed to find happiness and work through some things before we could be together again. I was tired of his anger coming out at me all the time and no one else. He doesn't trust anyone, not even me although he trusted me more than anyone before. So now I feel so lost and sad. I love him very much and want him to find peace and happiness because he has been through so much already and through it all I managed to lose mine. To all friends and family...it is a difficult road and we love the survivors so much that sometimes we end up losing ourselves trying to help them.


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#64562 - 02/17/03 02:15 PM Re: Sad and Alone
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
serafina,
do you have anyone person to person to help deal with this shit?!? I do and it helps a lot. You need to line up a ton of friends to talk to and it will truly help. Off and on this week I have been somewhat sad, but my friends have have lifted up my spirits. \:\)

With Much Love,
Kim


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#64563 - 02/17/03 08:22 PM Re: Sad and Alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Serafina
I know how much you cared, and tried. They both go hand in hand.

I'm sorry it's ended this way, make sure you do look after yourself as well.

Dave \:\( \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#64564 - 02/18/03 02:18 AM Re: Sad and Alone
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
Thanks for the responses. Kim-I do have many friends but NO one who understands or has sympathy for what it is like. They all think I am just better off without him and without the baggage and the problems and the fights and the tears. That is all they know that I could be happier, but so could he and he is trying to get there. No one seems to understand that. Even when I was in a partner support group. All the people were married and were telling me to get out now because it probably won't get better. It is hard to find people who understand and to talk too. But the bright side, I do have all of you. My boyfriend and I still talk and hope that someday we will be together.


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#64565 - 02/18/03 09:19 PM Re: Sad and Alone
crushed Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/27/03
Posts: 4
Loc: FL
serafina,
i too am going through this and i feel your pain. my hubby is working through his past and trying to figure out his sexuality. at times i want to leave, give him space to determine what he wants. i start thinking 'why should i put up with this crap, why should i sit around waiting for him to decide my future'? then at other times i feel such sympathy for him. he has gone through years of pain and hurt and hiding. i feel that i need to be by his side to support his recovery. my life is pretty much in a yo-yo state. i go from day to day not knowing what each will bring.
i just don't want to give in and give up such a special person...someone who is the light in my life. this site has done wonders for me. everytime i start questioning my support for my hubby, i log on to this site and read about all of the brave family/friends of survivors. they are such strong people and i feel i can be that strong too. plus, reading about the constant struggle that the survivors discuss helps me to relate to my hubby and kind of get an idea of what he is going through.
just stick in there; things will work out the way they are meant to be. if you need to talk, feel free to send me a private message. God knows that i truly need someone to talk to at times too. i have yet to tell anyone the whole truth about my hubby's situation. i have started therapy but am in the early stages. best wishes to you... ;\)


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#64566 - 03/05/03 12:19 AM Re: Sad and Alone
helpmystephen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/07/02
Posts: 19
Loc: nyc
YOU ARE NOT ALONE

For the last 2 years my life with my husband has been up and down depending on the day. I get blamed for thing that are not my fault. I love him but i fell like a victim too. If you ever need to talk please do so. We understand it seem that here we are all in the same boat. You need to take care of yourself first.


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#64567 - 03/05/03 08:57 AM Re: Sad and Alone
Whitecat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/02/03
Posts: 7
Serafina -

I understand how you feel, I too loved a survivor and when he left me I was sad and alone. Most everyone I know thinks that I should be grateful to have him out of my life, but I still miss him.

A very wise person, wrote the following to me during my darkest hours, perhaps it will help you as it did me.


"And now, you stand alone and in pain... wondering why it is that there's nothing for you, when you opened your heart and loved so completely. You may wonder where the lesson is, in that.

First, you must congratulate yourself for having the capacity to love and give, as you did in this relationship. It is no small thing, and no accident, that you had the instinct that this man had experienced childhood sexual abuse. You may see and accept your role in his life... as one who showed him what love and trust and honesty and commitment are all about... but you wonder at "the whys" as far as you're concerned. What did you learn from him....? What did you learn
about yourself, about your capacity to understand another person's pain, another person's need? You have certainly seen the impossibility of "making" anything happen... of making someone else love you, or "see you", or "see himself" unless he is ready and willing.

One lesson you know well is "what we need" --- all of us, "survivor" and "partner"--- we need "to be seen"--- to have another who
understands where we've been and what we've done and what we've overcome, as well as what we are passionate about and what we find
distasteful. You deserve that, too... and my guess is that your boyfriend was unable to see you clearly, through the fog of all his
own personal stuff... he couldn't take a good hard look at his own life, so how could he look clearly at you? He couldn't recognize
love. Perhaps he never will--- but you gave him a template to follow, if he chooses to do some work on himself, one day. Meanwhile, love yourself for what you are capable of giving... and believe that it will happen again, with someone who has the ability to see you clearly."

We all share & understand your pain.

White Cat


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#64568 - 03/05/03 01:14 PM Re: Sad and Alone
serafina Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/02
Posts: 36
Loc: Washington
White Cat:
I can't thank you enough for the e-mail. It leaves me in tears to hear someone understanding me. Thank you. I actually talked to my boyfriend last night and he has been taking an active stance in finishing his healing and for the first time realizes that he was hurting me because he was hurt. He is optimistic about our future together after he spends a few more months getting his life back on track. At this point, I am going to continue doing what is best for me. I love him very much and want him in my life as either a partner or just a friend. We have been through all of this together and as you said, I have also learned alot in the process about others and myself. Thank you for your generosity.


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#64569 - 03/06/03 05:10 PM Re: Sad and Alone
moo2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/31/03
Posts: 82
Loc: pottsboro,texas
Serafina,
I guess I am just lucky. My face to face support group is a church that believes that I stay with my husband no matter what. They get confused with Mr Edd's reaction. Then I come here + get comfort that Mr Edd [my hubby] is truly acting normal. Right now it feels like what is normal, but I truly know it is. Sorry that I am rambling and I am truly sorry that your situation with your boyfriend has not worked out. \:\( Do not lose contact with him because I have a feeling that your boyfriend is going to need you soon. My life feels like a yo-yo also, but then I have to think that Mr Edd's life must feel like the fastest rollarcoaster in the world. Well talk to you later.
WITH MUCH LOVE,
Kim


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#64570 - 03/08/03 01:28 PM Re: Sad and Alone
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Serafina,

As of yesterday, I am in the same spot as you are. After 20 months it is all over. I know that one of the contributing factors were the boundaries that I set.

But the boundries have helped me keep my life more or less intact. Thank God for that. It helps so much in letting him go, sad as it is.

I do not think your happiness is lost. It is somewhere under layers of all the experiences of past years. It will return.

And if you hurt and are sad, that means you care. It is a good thing. It can help you grow.

Please feel free to pm me.

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#64571 - 03/08/03 09:38 PM Re: Sad and Alone
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Serafina, Crushed and anyone else I missed,

It is hard and sad and lots of other feelings I imagine when these relationships don't work out. What I've been seeing is that just as survivors have amazing strength and resiliance, their partners have as much or more. I'm sorry things haven't gone better for you.

White Cat,

Your friend is indeed wise. What a letter he/she wrote to you. I'm moved to tears because I recognize myself as one who has been in the "fog".

Lucky are those survivors who have partners willing to see beyond the carnage of their pasts.

Freedom,

I've just followed four or five posts you've made in this forum. Your post about the three child types and of personal boundaries is so on the mark. Just because I'm a survivor of abuse doesn't mean I have license to trash another human being's boundaries or to behave in an irresponsible manner; something that seems to get lost sometimes I fear.

Thank you all for sharing here. It helps to see what others go through when in relationship with a survivor.

I'll say it again, lucky are those survivors who have partners.

jer


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#64572 - 03/09/03 05:47 PM Re: Sad and Alone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sometimes I feel so lucky, because I know how often I've been a complete pig to my wife.

The pain and effort you all put in as survivors partners is way more than I can imagine, let alone appreciate.

I also feel that losing your support is a great loss to those guys, they must be feeling terribly confused.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#64573 - 03/09/03 07:26 PM Re: Sad and Alone
Whitecat Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/02/03
Posts: 7
Yes, someday there is nothing but "...terribly confusion"... and it is the pits!

But I to quote Robert Goule (Camelot) " ....If ever I were to leave you..."

it it so hard on everyone!

White Cat


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