Hi Rparker030, while his behavior could be caused by SA, or growing up in a dysfunctional family , it could also be caused by shyness. Also some people have a condition called love-shy. Being that your friend is 38, it sounds like he is one of these love-shy people. You can go to http://www.love-shy.com/index.htm
to find out more on it. On the site click on the first link on the left, that takes you to the book (Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin), you need the free Adobe reader to read it, you can get that from http://www.adobe.com
About me, I was raped at 11 by a stranger in a park. When I got back home my mother told me that her and my dad were getting a divorce. As I remember it that was the reason I never told my parents that I was raped, there were to many important things happening between them, I did not want to add my troubles to them. Later the sever shame that goes with being rapped kept my mouth shut. My mom remarried right away, to a man who was a violent drunk, every time he got drunk he would beat her up. Between my original family and the new family, I went to 14 schools between first grade and tenth grade. I never had a female friend let alone a girl friend, until I was 23. In 1992 when I read (The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love-Shy and How They Can Overcome It by Brian G. Gilmartin) I knew that I fit a lot of the behaviors in the book. When you describe how your friend is behaving, you seem to be describing how I would behave in a like saturation. They say that women use non-verbal language to let the guy know it is ok for him to get close or closer to them. I have always felt that the women that I was attracted to were not interested in me, this could be true, or it could be that due to all the above I am not able to read the non-verbal signals that the women give out.
You did not say that you want your friend to get closer to you physically, but if you do, I think as hard as it is you are going to have to tell him verbally that it is ok for him to get closer to you physically. How do I say this in a nice way. First I would not have approached you and got to know you if I was not attracted to you. I can have all the male friends I want so much easier, I would not try to know you just to be your friend.
I know that the reason I cannot stand to have a man touch me is due to me being raped. But also I do not touch women, even though I want to touch women I am attracted to very badly. If the women were to start touching me it would be different. But that normally does not happen, I end up with women I would like to know, and sexy friends, that never know that I am attracted to them.
You told your friend,
When I told him that he makes me happy and it did not bother me because I have chosen to be celibate until marriage he allowed me to sleep in his bed (we did not touch).
Let me try to translate this for you.
(I told him that he makes me happy ), to me this means you want to be friends it does not mean you want to be his girl friend.
When you said this (I have chosen to be celibate until marriage), To me this means that you do not want sex until marriage. For me sex starts with touching, after you told me this I would not touch you, no matter how much I wanted to, until you gave me the OK to do so. He also may be afraid that if he ever started, he would not be able to stop, if you said no. I also have a lack of trust in myself.
It could be that he has tried to have sex with a girl before, which ended badly. The first 15 or so times I had sex I did not have a orgasm. I was worrying to much that I may hurt the girl. Once I was able to relaxe more, and worry less, I started to have orgasms.
I got to end this now, sorry it got so long,but I think I needed to talk about it.