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#64452 - 02/05/03 05:59 PM How do I suppress my anger?
vida Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/03
Posts: 2
A couple months ago, my fiance told me that when he was 8, he and his older sister (who was 16 then) had sex probably 10 times over the course of a year. When he told me, he gave no other details and said that they "were just experimental kids" and that he loves his sister and doesn't want me to feel any differently about her. Obviously, I do feel differently. In fact, I have never experienced this kind of hatred and confusion in my life, and I don't know what to do about it.

He and his sister have never discussed it, and he has never had any therapy for it, so about a month ago, he began talking to someone (upon my request). I get the impression that they haven't gone too deeply into the topic of the sexual abuse, and I understand that it could be awhile before he is ready to admit that it wasn't just experimentation. Maybe eventually he will feel anger towards his sister and confront her, maybe not. In the meantime, however, he gets VERY upset with me if I express my anger towards her and thinks I'm being judgemental and has actually said that I need therapy to deal with my anger. So, I did see a therapist a couple times to talk about it, but that only made me hate his sister even more! This therapist only validated my feeling that his sister did a horrible, manipulative thing to him.

We used to see his family (including the sister) pretty frequently before he told me. In fact, I was beginning to have a friendship with her! We've seen his family only a couple times since he told me, and I can't even look at her. I don't want her in our lives, but I feel as though I have no choice.

Am I wrong to be more angry with her than he is? Its hard to say how he'll feel about her as his therapy progresses, but I have this overwhelming urge to confront her and expose her, although I won't for the sake of my fiance. But it is eating away at me...


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#64453 - 02/05/03 06:57 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I was abused by my sister for some period of time when I was about 8 years old. She is five years older.

I believe that girl on younger boy incest abuse is so poorly understood that many will feel like your bf does, "that it is just experimentation." It is not.

My sister was my caretaker...she manipulated me from a position of power, even if that was only relative. She sexualized me at an age I would not otherwise have been sexual (just because she was in puberty doesn't mean I was!).

I learned inappropriate emotional and sexual feelings WAY before I would have discovered these things on my own. I am trying to this day to separate those inappropriate feelings from appropriate displays of love and affection (and trust).

This was done to me by a person who had some measure of responsibility for me and should have known it was wrong. That is what makes it abusive.

Lastly, my sister remains, unfortunately, the image of purest love I have. Without society at large to categorize it as rape, or pedophilia (both of which it was), the FEELING I had (and I will believe your boyfriend felt) was physically enjoyable and it came from a "loving" source.

This fucked up scenario might make sense for why your BF feels that way about his sister.

Is he hyper-sexual? does he have trouble trusting? Does he suffer from low self esteem and bouts of rage? Is he very hard to please? overly critical of you? These are some of the symptoms I have shown.

I have also had hidden 'acting out' behaviors for thirty plus years. I told no one, ever, until I was caught, by my wife.

I was chasing a wrongly learned mental image of what love and sex are, and how they interact.

Best of luck to you. Feel free to private message me if you have any questions.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#64454 - 02/05/03 07:08 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
as far as your anger is concerned, it is understandable, and correctly placed. However, because we victims have a feeling that we were complicit, or even to blame for what happened, your feelings of anger may cause him to feel you are angry with him.

This might cause him to withdraw from you, and I know that is not what you are wanting to have happen.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#64455 - 02/05/03 09:09 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Vida,
I am not so sure that surpressing anger is such a good idea. ... FOR YOU? How you SHARE or choose NOT to share that anger is maybe a point??
If your BF is not at the point that he is feeling anger at his sis, then perhaps there isnt any thing you in particular can do to influence that for him.
I do know for myself (i am a survivor myself too) when I found out the details of my spouses SA I was one pissed off raging expletive adnauseum!
Because I also knew where his abuser lives & works it took much self control to NOT GO AND JUST HURT THIS SON OF B*&#$(*$&#(*& TO DEATH!!
Of course I knew I couldnt.
I had the luxury that my hubby2 was at a place that he could be angry at his abuser & I could tell him that if I could I would have tried to save him when he was little & that I would have killed that guy for him if he wanted me to. BUT, my hubby2 was not on the razors edge of his abuser being a family member either.
When our abusers are family members we struggle with loyalties on so many levels, shame and a ton of other overwhelming feelings.
I just want to suggest that it is ok for you to be angry at his sister all you need to be,... but with the help of your therapist perhaps you can find a safe way to express that anger and not risk alienating your BF.
Perhaps discussing with your BF that you do feel differently about being with his family now or at least around his sis you could suggest that you could be "busy" doing something else so you do not have to be with her at the same time. He could still have contact as he sees fit & you can keep yourself safe at the same time???
Your not "wrong" for being more angry at her than he seems to be.... he just has different levels of stuff going on for him right now. And yes if he continues in his therapy he will ride the roller coaster too...
Being on the support side of the coin is harder for me than being on the survivor side -- i needed the validation of others being mad FOR ME, but NEVER would I nor could I hear an I told you so... tho as a supporter sometimes I wanna smack my hubby2 upside his head and say that -- I NEVER WOULD, ....
Keep tight with your OWN support for YOU, ... YOU ARE ENTITLED to feel what YOU feel, just as he is entitled to his feelings also.
Exposure and Confrontation -- your BF's choice ONLY, but if it gets to that point for him when and if he chooses you could offer to be there and help him in anyway he wants you to help him. It may only be to listen or to hold his hand when he confronts....
We cant fix them, tho God Knows I wish I could make his pain all go away...
but I have lost my magic wand yet again...
Keep coming back, we have each other here too...
Peace to You, Wifey1


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#64456 - 02/05/03 11:51 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Vida,
I experienced some sexual abuse at the hands of my sister when I was 5. She was 12. She was entering puberty and, for some unkown reason, decided to act out her sexual fantasies on me.

I could have written every word that Cement wrote. Though, I'll refrain from describing my situation because I would be repeating everything he said. I would like to highlight one thing that he brought up and that is the fact that society does not view a female perpetrator in the same light as it does a male.

In my case it was nearly impossible for me to understand it for what it really was. I always remembered what happend to me when I was 5 but to think I was sexually abuse was ridicules. There were just so many messages that told me that it was okay to have a sexual encounter with an older female. I actually felt fortunate because it made me feel more of a man.

It wasn't until late last year when I realized how off track my life had become that I began to analyze what my sister did to me. Though I was reluctant to term it sexual abuse. It really wasn't until I confided to a close friend that I, like Cement, had sexualized my sister to the point where she was the ultimate in any sexual experience that I may have. It use to feel so NORMAL to have those desires but his reaction confirmed to me what the true nature of those encounters really were. I still struggle with this because even now I get sexually aroused when I see her.

I suppose the point that I want to get to is that someone could have hit me over the head with a 2x4 and I still wouldn't thought it was sexual abuse; just mere experimentation. It wasn't until I realized that I was living in a shit pile that I decided to make some changes. So I fear this could be difficult for him if he isn't going to therapy by his own request. And you have every right to be angry with her. I'm certain she has had a profound effect on him.

Take care and give me a holler if you have any concerns.
mike

P.S. Check out some of the articles: http://www.malesurvivor.org/articlescomplete.htm

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#64457 - 02/06/03 02:47 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Hey, Sleepy, how are you?

You and I share so much, you are my brother from another mother.

It feels good to me when I read your posts, like the weight I am carrying has been lessened, because we are carrying it together.

Peace,
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#64458 - 02/06/03 02:51 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Vida, check your PM

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#64459 - 02/06/03 03:14 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
vida Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/03/03
Posts: 2
A heart-felt thank you for the responses.

However, it is not easy for me to read and think about certain things that both Cement and Sleepy confirmed... i.e. that he may still sexualize his sister. As his future wife, this thought is so unsettling, almost a jealous rage.

I love him and will not leave him, but this is not the way I envisioned the start of my marriage. I feel like we have such a long difficult road ahead of us, and I wonder how I'm going to find the strength to get through it. What's also hard is that I can't lean on my own family for support since I will probably never tell them about it. Thus I feel pretty lost and alone right now.

I am grateful I found this board though. I think that having an outlet like this is the only way I'm going to be able to take on this role.


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#64460 - 02/06/03 05:43 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
James,
Your post made me smile. I feel the same way when I read your posts because at least someone knows what I'm going through. I'm hanging in there, though. Somedays I feel like there is nothing in this world I can't do and other days where I feel like I have to climb Mt. Everest. Just trying to understand ones sexuality is tremendously difficult. But there are still many more indirect consequences that I'm trying to deal with. The biggest of which are issues revolving around codependancy. My severly delayed adolesence coupled with my emotionally repressed family has made me very dependant on others for my emotional stability. That can be frustrating but I've already seen some changes with me and that keeps me optimistic.

Vida,
I, too, cannot lean on my family for support because if I told them it would be like a keg of TNT blowing up in our family. I don't want to put them through that and I don't think it is neccessary either because I'm not bitter. Maybe I should be but I think my first post describes why I'm not. You know, how could I be resentful of her if I liked what she did and if it was socially acceptable? My only bitterness is that she discarded me like a used condom (that was a good phrase, James). Plus I'm living at home so I would be at the center of the explosion if I told them and that wouldn't be fun. But the secracy does make recovery that much harder.

The other thing is that she has turned her life around, at least in part, and I don't want hurt her and her family. As you would expect, she was very hypersexual and ended up getting pregnant in her late teens. She ended up going to college and now she is a well respected school teacher with two kids and a failing marrage (suprising?). I'm incredibly close with her children and I don't want to upset my relationship with them. It's a tough situation but that's how I decided to deal with it.

Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#64461 - 02/25/03 01:29 PM Re: How do I suppress my anger?
SandyW Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/03
Posts: 86
Loc: NJ
I too just learned (last night) that my husband had two sexual encounters with his sister when she was 17 and he 13. He felt so much shame and like he was the one who caused it because he went to her room. Besides being much older, she assumed the mother position of the house when their mother abandoned them. I know how you feel so angry toward her. Vida, please PM me. In the meantime, stay strong! This site is such a blessing! I'd certainly be bumbling around today without it.


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