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#64310 - 01/29/03 07:06 PM mother's what the F*****!!!!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
ok, great so i saw my T on friday --- got this whole mother of a problem (pun in ten did)... my 'mother' is managing to piss me off more and more...
we had this set of "rules" about talking to the girls when hubby2 & i split -- she was saying rotten shit about me to them, they in turn told me as it was stressing them out unfairly -- our problems are not their responsibility in any way.
so i confronted her even tho she wouldnt talk to me on the phone or face to face we chatted on line... i told her to stay off the girls and to come to me....she agreed & apologized.
a few yrs ago when we agreed to have contact again she wanted to "just forget that anything happened" -- yea ok whatever if that is what she needed,(sarcastic sneer agreeance) as long as the girls were safe i could still be me. i have kept my end of the deal.
but lately with all my health problems neither she nor dad will come to the hospital let alone my apt. --- she did come for one surgery, only cuz i asked her specifically then she only stayed for about 1/2 hour... the last surgery she was ten minutes away as i was getting CPR dying and the bitch couldnt stop by to ck on me, cuz her back hurt from a shot & she "knew i would understand" -- what the fuck am i supposed to understand you guys???
off & on i have had to remind her to keep her comments to herself about me from my girls (nicely) --now she is starting a new manipulation
she emails them telling them she hasnt heard from me in some time (total lies) they in turn tell me to get a hold of gma cuz she hasnt heard from me --- i reassure them that i have indeed talked, emailed etc her --jeeze it seems she is trying to drive a wedge of hassle between the girls & i --
so i tell mom call me when she gets to town so we can at least meet for coffee -- she instantly has an excuse why she cant (my ribs are still broke cant drive for more than a few minits she knows this & is an EMT to boot!)
ok -- T tells me she is afraid of me... AFRAID of me?! WHAT THE FUCK FOR??? T's reasoning is that mom knows my health is way bad & since she didnt rescue me from dad when i was little, now she really cant face me cuz she has no way to rescue me from this disease.
FUCKING GREAT I GET PUNISHED TWICE ???!!! IS THE BITCH ONLY GONNA BE ABLE TO FACE MY FUCKING ASHES? HELL I AINT GONNA DIE FOR SOME LONG TIME AND SHE MAY DIE BEFORE ME!! AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
To date she has managed to only see me in public, or on her home turf. Which i have chosen to limit cuz seems like everytime the conversation turns to how awful i was as a kid or they bring up my main abusers latest endeavors.... i leave at this point.
My girls tell me gramma is drinking so much now even they think her brain is so gelled (sp)over nothing is sinking in --- uh huh! the reason she drinks she says (god is this classic alcoholic)"so dad doesnt drink as much" -- buys a big ol bottle of vodka pours out half replaces half with water -- yea that works, but not for the beer & other boozes they consume even for brkfst in the cocoa & coffee!
ok --- so now, here is the poop de grass -- I aint got like a lot of time left here -- but before i go i would like to reach some sort of level of peace with her....
i dont want to beat my head bloody against the wall as was so elequently posted in another post, i am not going to confront her on her drinking she knows she is a drunk herself and not my job nor do i care to exert my energy in that direction
but i gotta work on this whole forgiveness thing... should i just write her a letter? i mean i know life for her as a mom raising me with my asshole dad was no picnic, she couldnt win either --- but why the fuck now does she choose to ignore me ??? i aint asking her to hospice my ass... but i am still alive and can talk and can think (most days lol) .....
how can i make a connection so i can spend some quality time with her and let her know (tho i have told her i understand and forgive her in the past) i just wanna hang out no underlying shit to it?
Damn it i deserve to have a mom here and a reasonably peaceable relationship ....
so who's got suggestions ? or should i just cut her ass off again and tell her to go to hell and suffer in her own bullshit and leave me alone? drop a card in the mail for the girls when i do die?
DAAAMMNNNN IIITTTTT!!! i am not mad at the past anymore, HONEST TO GOD! I just want to spend some time with her, but she has to come to me and not wait for the fucking weather to be perfect to do so! EEERRRRGGGGHHHHH!
wifey1


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#64311 - 01/29/03 08:14 PM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Louise2323 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/02
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Wifey1,
Maybe I can help shed some light as far as your mother goes...I have a mentally & verbally abusive background with my mother for as long as I can remember, so hopefully what worked for me will work for you.
Ask yourself one question? What exactly is it that you are hoping to gain from a relationship with your mother at this point in your life? Acceptance? Company? Seriously think hard about this one, and be honest with yourself.
Your relationship now with your mother sounds very unhealthy for you, and usually we try to do our best to keep ourselves healthy, don't we?
If you have set boundaries with your mom before, and they don't seem to be honored, or even if you are not getting what you thought out of this arrangement, this is unhealthy for you. You, out of anyone, know that you need to take care of YOU first, and if your relationship with mom is hurting you, it is to your advantage to remove her from your life. If she wants contact with your girls, that is another decision you will have to make...I don't know how old your girls are, but if they are old enough to see gramma on their own, let them make their own decision, asking them not to involve you in anyway concerning her. They need to set boundaries with her of their own. If they are not old enough, and you wish to allow her to see them, it must be by your rules. If she can't follow the rules you set, she can't see them. Simple as that....your mom has choices as well, and if she chooses not to comply with your wishes, she can't want to see them that badly.
Right now I am not longer speaking to my mother, although she does have contact involving my daughter (she is only 4). Either she picks her up and drops her off, and vice versa, but their is no conversation other than about my daughter, and even that has come to a screetching hault. I realized this a long time ago, my relationship with my mother was hurting me, as a person, more than helping me. It was very unhealthy for me. Before my daughter, we went a year without any contact, and becuase it upset my grandmother so much, we slowly started to see each other again (even though I ALWAYS cringed at every conversation, becuase I will never be good enough, or be like her, or my brother & sister, or learn to take her advice). When my daughter was born, I was brought to a different level of respect for her, and was finally able to understand (not really forgive) her for all that she did to me as a child. She did have me at 18, and since I was 28 having my daughter, I know it must of been much harder on her. She divorced when I was 1 from an abusive husband, and right away met my father now, who adopted me. He has always been good to me, but just stood by and watched the abuse, never wanting to get involved. Funny how he agreed with my when she wasn't around, but that's another whole f*ck job in itself.
Fast foward to our "new" relationship after my daughter, and I learned she will never change, nor will our relationship. I can forget the past, but can't go on that way for my future.
I find I go out of my way to tell her things I think she wants to hear, and she just keeps critizing me and putting me down. I have learned not to believe her, as I know she really doesn't know who I am, but I know deep down somewhere it must be doing some damage. I also don't want my daughter to grow up around that. She is not that way to anyone else, so I imagine she resents me, but whatever the reason, our relationship is what it is (and we did years of therapy for "my" problem) and it will never change.
Ditch your mom....and focus on making you well, your relationship with hubby2 and your girls. Make it very clear to her why you don't want a relationship with her at this time, maybe in a letter as you mentioned. If she wants to be a part of you life, she will give you some space and slowly start to come around on your terms. If she doesn't, what have you really lost??
I hope this helps you, if nothing else, maybe it will give you a different way to look at your situation.
Good luck....and feel better!
Louise \:\)


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#64312 - 01/30/03 11:28 AM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Louise,
I am just so frustrated with her --- I want her company more than anything, I want her to act like some sort of a "caring mom" i.e. calling me just to bullshit, spending time window shopping, gossiping about nothing in particular, talking about my girls or even how hubby2 & I are or arent getting along.
My girls are 20 & 21 & off in colleges out of town. And when they were about 9 or so I cut my parents out of the pic with my T's help. That was the age that I remember most of my SA actually beginning & wanted them safe. My EX hubby however was a prick in "sneaking" visits to them with the girls... I went to court and had an Attorney represent me against keeping my folks away. Yea like that shit really worked NOT!! The courts kept saying that the couldnt do anything to keep them from sending cards, phone calls etc... bullshit. Ok so I did something really bad to keep them away, i broke the law committing a break in on their property I DONT RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE! but i did it knowing the law would not allow contact between a perpetrator (me) and the victim (them) how fucking absurd is that shit?!!! What is even more absurd in that scene is that it worked!! but i did go to the cops and admit what i did and told them why yikes i was looking at ten years for that crime! IT WORKED FOR SIX YEARS!! By that time I was missing my mom -- growing up she always seemed to be the one who was my "silent supporter" -- she could support me when dad wasnt around. Saying positive stuff about me to me. Like that I was funny, was a good artist, was smart, could do college etc....
Ok, so what am I trying to gain from the relationship? A MOM LIKE ME!! there it is ... My birth mom lost me to the courts when I was 2, a foster home then this adoptive mom.... I am frustrated at the fucking abandoment again I geuss... geuss hell I know it!
I dont mind her having a relationship with my girls, i raised them well enough to protect themselves and choose for themselves.
I dont like her manipulation of putting them in the middle attempts... and truly dont feel it is my responsibility to Referee that shit, hard to keep my big fat mouth shut sometimes tho.
Hmmm Acceptance,???? Thats a good question. Maybe I am seeking some acceptance from her? Or perhaps some form of FORGIVENESS FROM HER? for being a loud mouth fight back person? My dad would beat her and i was the one who stepped in on more than one occassion to fight him for her and for me. I often would fight him, fisticuffs & she would just stand there and yell at him to stop beating me.... hell i weighed 80 - 90 LBs to his 200+ and she would just yell at him to stop -- now that I think about it a lot of times she would chastise me to "NOT antagonize him" -- hell i would just breathe too loud for him sometimes & set his stupid ass off... Maybe I am seeking some form of acceptance or an Ooorah for being tough and doing a good job in spite of him and her lack of action.????
I know the relationship is unhealthy -- I thought when I made the decision to have contact again with them I could live with just "not discussing the abuse" .... perhaps with hubby2's shit on top it more than triggered my own on a new level but has triggered my own to be brought back out of the barn into daylight again? To be talked about again?
I just know this much: I cant die without having found some sort of peace with my only known mom at this point -- and i am scared i am gonna die and that peace will not have been reached.
FUCK I NEED HER WHEN I AM SCARED LAYING IN THAT FUCKING HOSPITAL BED WITH FUCKING HOSES COMING OUT OF EVERY FUCKING HOLE I OWN!!! even if it is just sitting quietly reading magazine articles to me.... crikeys iam gonna cry I HATE CRYING!!!!
WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A FUCKING OMOM WHO GIVES A RATS FUCKING ASS IF I AM OKAY OR NOT?
I MATTTTTEEERRRRR I MATTER I MATTER I MATTER TO SOMEONE TO SOMEONE DAMN IT!
I AM A DAUGHTER AS WELL AS A MOM, A SISTER, A WIFE.... AND I WANT TO MATTER TO MY MOM GOD DAMN IT! WHY CANT SHE CARE ABOUT ME?!!! FUUUUCK I HATE CRYING!
i am too tired to fix this, i want her to fix it, .... its not my job to fix it and i am sick of trying to tell her over and over what i want and not getting it....
besides if the shoe was n teh oher foot i would help her, i wouldnt abandn her ass... i didnt growing up, i defended her!!! i took her fucking beatings at least she could come and hang out with me -- i wouldnt even mention the shittty part of life... i jut want some good time beofore i go... i dnt ting that is too much to ask
i am trying like hell to teake care ofme, i did itgrowing up i took car eof me... i fought but i am sick now and need helpl in this fight,
i gotta get my spirituality in a better light before i go and that means working shit out with my mom.... but i nee d her helpl to do so


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#64313 - 01/30/03 11:41 AM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
that part about how your mom resents you?
i thot that was keeping my mom from coming around me -- that i did all the things she couldnt or wouldnt do
left an alcoholic husband, left a cheating hubby2, raised my girls without hitting them, managed to work, be active in the community and not hide the truth of shitty stuff no matter how shitty it was...
What is so scarey about me tho?
dam it i am only 4' 10" -- not even strong anymore, hell i cant even do the fucking laundry without being exhausted let alone take a fucking shower without hving to nap for 2hours...
what makes me so scarey? i dont have a monster face or claws...
i could understand it if i was mean verbally to her but i aint....
its like i ahve disappeared intothe wallpaper print


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#64314 - 01/30/03 11:43 AM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
and i lost my mom and she isnt dead yet and neither am i


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#64315 - 01/30/03 02:09 PM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Louise2323 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/02
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
My heart cries for you, really it does. And I say this sincerly, I have only known you a short time, but you are a beautiful person, and I do care. (if you were closer I promise I would come visit you in the hospital!!!)
Have you ever stopped to think that this is not about you, but about your mom? Maybe she is not capable of doing the things you want and need....and that makes HER the one with the problem, not you!!! You have a great head on your shoulders, you know what you want...but you are asking for it from someone who is unable to give it to you. All the shit you have been through in your life up till now has made you the strong person you are now....and your mom can't compete with that. Has she ever been in therapy? She certainly sounds like she needs it and has a lot of her own issues.
Don't doubt her love for you, she may be showing it the only way she knows how. She may not know how to be a mother, maybe by coming out and asking her to do things for you, one thing at a time, you can help her to be your mother.
Another thing to think about, it probably scares her to no end to see you suffer, adn know that you may die....can you imagine what it would be like to loose a child, god forbid? I know your reaction would be totally different, but that is you....not your mother.
You sound as if you protected your mom during your childhood; that you were the strong one in the realtionship and needed you, so don't doubt her needing you now. She just may not know how to.
Maybe you should write her a letter expressing your feelings to her like you suggested...you have nothing to loose at this point and everything to gain.
One thing I learned is not to set yourself up for disappointmet by excpecting things from people....you can't be disappointed if you don't expect much. Try not to expect your mom to do anything, and maybe the little she does do will make you feel better.
You have a right to want all those things you spoke of in a relationship with your mom...all the normal things other people have....but you have to accept that just may be out of your control becuase of your mother...and not becuase of you. You know what a great person you are, and so do your friends and family....and she may know as well and not be able to let you know she knows...
In what you wrote about breaking into her house to keep you away...well you knew enought to know you shouldn't be near her, but it sounds like you couldn't help yourself do that, so you did something outragous to ensure you would HAVE to be away.
Nobody wants to admit they have a messed up relationship with their mom...we always picture things we see in the movies, especially being girls. But life isn't always what we want, as you already found out. And trying to force your mom into acting like one isn't going to work.
Accept that SHE has problems, and suggest she go for help...but don't accept that the problem is you, because it is NOT!!!!
Not that I am happy for what you went through, absolutely not, but I am so glad to see that someone elses hubby went behind their back to their parents...I thought I was the only one...my hubby has a relationship with my parents, and it freaks me out...that's one of the biggest problems of our relationship....but now that he has guidelines for me, I set my boundaries as far as my mother and him...
The way I look at it is, DESPITE my mother I have become a great person, friend,wife, and mother. And so have you.
I will write more later, but my daughter wants to play her game now.....
Keep your spirits up...and don't let one person bring you down!
Louise \:\)


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#64316 - 01/30/03 04:05 PM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Louise,
I just got off the tele with my GF -- she is amazing in as much as you are.... she had a rough road with her mom too -- but her mom died & she has some still rough shit to deal with over that.
She was so insightful for me as much as you have been too... blunt and to the point she told me " You just gotta accept your mom is fucked up and there isnt anything you can do about it"... she told me to stop playing the "Victim" role in this... She was right ON! As long as I am stuck in some fantasy shit about coming to peace with my fucked up mom I remain the victim!!! Tho' I have never let my mom know she has had power over my emotions.... as long as I give in to wanting something I will never get no matter whether she can give it or not I am giving her power over my emotions... so I have to stop pissing in my wheaties and just accept she is fucked up and get over it. To let go... simple as that... no it wont always be easy, and my GF also suggested that since I could remember my birth mom screaming to not let them take me away I could focus in my mind on the fact that my "REAL Mom" could be my Spiritual guide through this process. My birth mom has passed... I think this is a good visual replacement idea and may well work.
But the very bluntness of my GF telling me to get out of my Victim role chasing after something my adoptive mom never did nor could give me was such an Epiphamy for me!!
Since my GF had to accept that her mom was fucked up (mental abuse bitch) she then was able to just step back and say -- well she's fucked up .... cant get what there isnt anything to get..
Anyway made sense to me and I do feel better -- thanks to you and to her... HA! BEING the Survivor I am and not the Victim I was!
whew -- what a brain day connecting the head and heart!
Peace and Thanks, Wifey1


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#64317 - 01/30/03 07:02 PM Re: mother's what the F*****!!!!
Louise2323 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/02
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Wifey1,

you stated....whew -- what a brain day connecting the head and heart!

I couldn't have said it better. I am glad you feel better. Your girlfriend is right, and she did the same thing as I did.
Try writing to your mom as well, even if you don't ever send the letter. Sometimes it helps to just get things off your chest. I find that sometimes when I do that, it releases a whole lot of anger and grief for me.
You have the right to want things to be the way you want them, but unfortunately, you werent given the right players. Not your fault, and yes you have to suffer becuaes of it, but there is nothing you can do but to move on and focus on something else. What about support through a local church or school? Lots of times there are seniors who have no family or lots of time on their hands, and they like to be useful. Maybe you could adopt one as your mom, to help you through this situation. I know through my whole life I have always found someone to kind of fill the motherly void my mother never filled. My friends mom adopted me, for about the last 10 years of my life, and she just passed away in October. I think my heart hurts for her more than it will for my real mom.
Anyways, I stopped trying to get a relationship that is unattainable with my mom. I know she is F*cked up, she thinks I am F*ucked up, and that is where we stand. I have lots of friends, I don't need my mom as my friend too. I know that is sad, to think how special a mother/daughter relationship COULD be, but you can't torture yourself because it is out of your control.
I am glad to help in anyway I can...Geez, you have helped me tremendously!!!
The next time you know you will be in the hospital, tell me when & where, I will be more than happy to send some flowers or drop a card, you certainly deserve it!!
Take care of yourself...
Louise \:\)


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