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#64247 - 08/26/06 04:31 PM Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi, I usually don't post in this area but need to hear from any of you guys that grew up without a dad around. Besides lacking a dad to look to for a role model, are there any other effects from it that perhaps compound the fact that one has also been csa?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#64248 - 08/26/06 05:17 PM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think for lots of guys not having a dad around set them up for abuse .its one of the things perps look for ,a kid who is starving for male companionship makes a perfect target,but like with me your dad can be right there but still not be there for you . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#64249 - 08/26/06 07:29 PM Re: Men without dads
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Adam took the words right out of my mouth. While my father was physically in the home, he was certainly no role model. He was physically and emotionally abusive, which set me up with the mindset that made the sexual abuse possible. I've long felt that sexual abuse rarely happens without other emotional forces, except for when it happens via a stranger and a moment of opportunity (which I think is probably the rarest form of SA). Much more common is where a child has been conditioned by those around him, or by the perp himself.

_________________________
Eddie

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#64250 - 08/26/06 10:39 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

I had a great Dad, but in order to keep things going the man who was abusing me had to go to a lot of trouble to isolate me from my father. He told me endless lies about how my father thought I was a loser, etc.

I think every boy wants and needs affection and attention from a male figure he can admire; it is enormously encouraging to him when such a male figure makes him feel wanted, valuable and important. But if that input doesn't come to the boy from his Dad, or from other safe male relatives or friends, then this opens a void in the boy's life that he will try to fill. He will start asking himself "What's wrong with me?" and other dangerous and threatening questions. The same will happen if the boy's home life is dysfunctional and emotional support is not readily available, or if the boy is accustomed to being made to feel worthless and troublesome at home. Here too he will blame himself or wonder if things are so bad because of him.

In this situation, if an unsafe adult or older child comes along and begins to pay attention to the boy and make him feel good about himself, it won't be all that difficult for this predator to coax the boy into doing things that are more and more questionable.

To the boy, what's mainly going on is that he is getting attention that makes him feel special and wanted. So when the abuser starts to feed him lies about how "this is our special time", "this is just because I like you", and so on, the boy will desperately want all this to be true. And if he hesitates, protests or says no, then the abuser can easily get him to continue as before by threatening to withdraw the attention and affection. He will say something like "Oh okay, I thought we were friends".

The abuse can and often does go on from this to become extremely shaming and violent, and by that time the boy does know that the abuser is not his friend. But by then there are other considerations keeping the boy quiet. The point is that the problems at home made him vulnerable to the predator's attentions in the first place.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#64251 - 08/26/06 11:02 PM Re: Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Roadrunner, Eddie, Shadowkid,

I'm learning so much, thanks to you all. My husband has never met his dad. I asked if he missed having a dad after we had met, and he had said, "You don't miss what you never had." I am sure he never thought it made much difference but I also am sure he has a very empty void there. I don't know if it ever bothers him to see dads w/ their kids, but I think it would bother me and I'd wish I could have had that.

It saddens me to no end that he was perhaps an easy target because of this. It makes me angry.

I wish for him a strong male mentor, an older man that could almost be a stand-in for what he never had, to take him under his wing, someone with principles and character that he admires, similar to my own older-woman mentor who prays with me, gives me solid marital advice and holds my hand while I cry. There are such people out there, good people.

Thanks again for your insights. I have to say I was pretty sheltered growing up and just figured everyone else had a pretty normal childhood, and I desperately wish it were so.

That button I've seen, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" -- maybe it's true; maybe after healing from all this crud you can rediscover everything, almost like growing up again, getting to know yourself, even doing some childish things if you never got the chance to be much of a child before. But I guess, sadly, that a lot of people here will never know what having good parents was like, it was taken away forever, and I sort of think that should be everyone's birthright.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#64252 - 08/26/06 11:29 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Quote:
"You don't miss what you never had."
I will let guys like Eddie and Adam comment in detail, but in general that quote from your partner DEFINITELY gets the gong!

He may not yet realize the connections, but a boy is a human being with a heart and soul, needs and yearnings, that are just his as a child. The void can of course be filled in other ways (for example by an extremely diligent mother and other adults), but I think if the void is left unattended it will surely affect him.

The question isn't one of "if" but of "when" he will realize how much impact it has had on him. I have seen this happen to several of my closest friends here, and the consequences have been devastating.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64253 - 08/27/06 12:33 AM Re: Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Larry,

Ugh. Ok. Now you can't leave me hanging-can you elaborate on some the "devastating consequences" you have witnessed - I just want to add to my current high blood pressure.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64254 - 08/27/06 12:39 AM Re: Men without dads
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:

"You don't miss what you never had."
Yeah, that definately gets the negative-buzzer from me. As Larry said, he may not realize the loss in his life from having not had a strong, positive father figure in it, but I can't imagine that it hasn't had its impact on him.

Growing up, I looked to my father for affirmation, acknowledgment, and a role model - instead, what I got was physical abuse, a destroyed self-esteem, and confusion on what being a man is all about. So I do grieve greatly what I never had.

_________________________
Eddie

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#64255 - 08/27/06 01:20 AM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think it would be better with no dad at all,cause when you grow up around them you feel like your supposed to love them ,no matter what . you feel guilty if you hate him ,like something must be wrong with you cause every kid loves his dad except you . just cause they treat you like shit dont mean you ever stop loving them that kind of love is more painfull than abuse ,i kept on giving my dad chance after chance to treat me right ,but just kept getting hurt .always willing to be hurt one more time to give him a chance to be good

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64256 - 08/27/06 02:03 AM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

Quote:
always willing to be hurt one more time to give him a chance to be good
God, I know how much it must hurt to say this, or rather, to have to say this. But it's the truth and I know it must help others to hear how this feels. Your courage in talking about these issues never ceases to astonish me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64257 - 08/27/06 02:31 AM Re: Men without dads
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Brokenhearted, I wish your husband could have that older male figure in his life too. But then again my mother is insane and abusive, and the idea of an older woman/mother figure in my life seems unsettling and a little bit gross to me.

Eddie hit it right on the head-- not having your same-sex parent be a role model for you leaves you with a lot of confusion about what it means to be a man or a woman.

But, I think I've figured out how to be a mother and a wife just fine despite watching her screw up badly in both areas. It took some trial and error but probably it takes people with "normal" parents some trial and error too. So I think it's safe to let your blood pressure drop a bit... as you say, there are good people out there and your husband will start seeing them too when he starts feeling the void. It's been my observation that people who want to be healthier are drawn to healthy people.


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#64258 - 08/27/06 02:38 AM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Okay, here are just a few things I have seen:

1) Lack of confidence and self-esteem, that feeling of "I can't do this" or "If I try I will fail". If you show your Dad something you have done and he ignores you, or if he tells you you're stupid, or if you get beaten for interrupting him, you quickly learn that things you do are unimportant and in fact YOU are unimportant.

2) Inability to appreciate one's own achievements and talents, no matter how sophisticated these are and no matter how often they are confirmed and applauded by others. Related to no. 1. A boy who learns that everything he does is wrong or insufficient or laughable carries this hurt into adulthood. He doesn't want to hold up what he does and seek approval for it, because his past has taught him that only hurt will result. In fact, achievement can seem dangerous and he will often avoid recognition or notice.

3) Lack of trust in one's manhood and fear of failure as a husband, father and soulmate. A boy who feels unimportant and unwanted will blame himself for these problems and think there is something wrong with himself. He doesn't "outgrow" those feelings as he matures; they continue to fester and challenge his feelings about himself in every way that's important to him.

4) Fear of rejection and abandonment. If as a boy you have been rejected and repudiated by your own father, why should you imagine that anyone else would be different later in life? It's difficult to genuinely trust close friends and even your spouse.

5) Fear of what will go wrong next and will it be my fault, because the boy learned that bad things revolved around himself.

6) Reluctance to trust, and especially to trust other men. Who exactly are you to trust once you have been betrayed and dismissed by your own father?

7) Reluctance to feel things emotionally; a concern to stay closed down emotionally. The boy has learned that feeling means to discover worthlessness, unimportance and despair. Who needs that?

I'm sure I have missed some points, but you get the idea. Note, by the way, that I am talking about issues that do NOT stem from abuse. But this is the kind of stuff that sets a kid up as an easy target for abuse.

Also, remember that this has to do primarily with feelings and fears. I remember about 15 years ago a friend quite a lot younger than me came and told me he was thinking of proposing to his girlfriend, but he was scared to death of marriage. I thought they would make a great couple, so I asked him what the problem was.

It turned out his father had been an alcoholic and had terrorized the family for years before he abandoned them and then finally drank himself to death. My friend was worried because, as he said, he had never seen what a real marriage should be like and he was afraid he wouldn't know what to do as a husband. He was also afraid he would turn out like his father. We had a LONG talk that day!

He did get married, and he and his wife have been fine. But he did have to learn a lot of skills and pick up a lot of ideas that he would ordinarily have had from observing his father. But he's a strong guy both emotionally and morally, and he was able to meet the challenge.

And so do many others. A guy who grows up in a broken or devastated or dysfunctional home isn't doomed to live the same way as an adult. But I think he IS encumbered by a lot of troubles and burdens unfairly dropped on him by the irresponsibility of those who owed him the most when he was a boy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64259 - 08/27/06 02:40 AM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
what really hurts is the little things you miss without a dad .stupid things like playing catch ,or learning to drive ,things like seeing a kid with his dad just hanging out ,buddies you know? i lived with my dad like a stranger till i was 11.he paid nothing but bad attention to me ,made me feel useless ,like a looser ,then when they took me from him ,all i wanted was to be back with him !?i wrote letters begging him to come get me ,i have one of those letters now my gran kept it ,,to me never having a dad would be just as bad cause all you got to do is walk outside to see dads and sons ,so i think you can miss what you never had

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64260 - 08/27/06 04:58 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow,

Quote:
what really hurts is the little things you miss without a dad .stupid things like playing catch ,or learning to drive ,things like seeing a kid with his dad just hanging out ,buddies you know?
I winced when I read this. It almost makes me feel guilty because I had all those things with my Dad. And the bond is still there after 57 years, and despite the efforts of a clever son-of-a-bitch abuser. Yesterday I had the choice of going to Philadelphia to see a fantastic rock/blues band with a guitarist as good as Hendrix, or go with my Dad to the Corvette show in Carlisle. Guess which I plunked for?

It's sad beyond imagining - even tragic - what you have lost, Shadow, but you know what? That's only part of the story. You haven't lost your chance to fulfill the other side - the adult side - of this relationship, either as a father if it works out that way, or as an adult active with youth in your community.

I have had both opportunities, and they have been great. Being a Dad is a trip, let me tell you!

As for the other, you have already spoken about how you have connected and related so quickly to kids in your neighborhood. Have you thought of volunteering in some capacity? Youth groups? Scouts? The Y? Civic or church organizations? It's of course important not to allow such activities become a distraction from your recovery; you mustn't allow yourself to fall into the trap of becoming someone's rescuer. But healthy involvement in this kind of work could perhaps help you a lot. I personally think you have a lot of heart and love to give, bro, and that finding an outlet for this would help you to discover a lot about yourself.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64261 - 08/27/06 10:36 PM Re: Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I agree totally with what Larry said, Shadow. I hope you get the chance to have your OWN family someday, you deserve that.

Larry, thanks so much for writing ad infinitem in response to my many posts. I hope you don't get carpal tunnel. I think ideally kids need both parents - one real reason I'm committed to staying w/ my dear husband, as we have a sweet little 3 yr old. I know she needs her daddy. It's really amazing what a *great* dad my husband is, considering he never had one himself.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64262 - 08/27/06 10:55 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow,

I just want to highlight something that Brokenhearted says here:

Quote:
It's really amazing what a *great* dad my husband is, considering he never had one himself.
There are lots of great fathers and youth leaders out there who come from broken or dysfunctional homes. Through the strength of their character they are able to step away from the poison of their home environment, reach out for guidance from better sources, and develop into the kind of men their fathers could never have been.

I think you have what it takes to do the same thing Shadow, and I bet taking up this challenge would do wonders for your happiness in general.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64263 - 08/28/06 07:55 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
this whole convo
pisses me
off

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64264 - 08/28/06 08:10 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Why does it piss you off?

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64265 - 08/28/06 08:16 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
G i dunno. lets see
my real dad whoevr
he is didnt want me
my stepdad if thats wat
u wanna call him
HATED me
i nevr lookd for anybody
to replace it and nobody
evr offerd an i dont realy
give a fucking shit

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64266 - 08/28/06 08:37 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
sorry if i sound
like an asshole
here. it does bothr
me alot. i just w
wish somebody
wantd the job
u
know?

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64267 - 08/29/06 12:52 AM Re: Men without dads
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:
Originally posted by Trevor:
u
know?
Ummm,,,,,yeah. I do.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#64268 - 08/29/06 01:14 AM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

You don't sound like an asshole at all, and of course it bothers you a lot. But listen up a minute. Okay, your natural father took off and abandoned you and your step-father hates you - that really sucks. But...that doesn't mean that you are unwanted or unimportant. It just means that these two guys are assholes. You DO matter, and you ARE important.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64269 - 08/29/06 02:55 AM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
trev its better to be pissed off than to be pissed on !!lol its ok to be pissed,its natural to be pissed,who wouldnt be pissed ?i get pissed everytime i think about my dad .i agree with larry you been surrounded by assholes ,but that dont make you one ! adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64270 - 08/29/06 01:20 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
it dont mean that
im unwanted but it
feels that way

thx for sayin im'
not an asshole
adam nether ru

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64271 - 08/29/06 01:27 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

That's exactly it. We can "know" that a feeling we have isn't true, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. You have every right to feel hurt - you HAVE been hurt.

The thing to remember is that the reasons you have been hurt have to do with the failings and flaws of others, NOT with you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64272 - 08/29/06 01:49 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
i could argu about
that but i
wont

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64273 - 08/29/06 05:21 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

I think you should. That's what the DB is for. Say what you think and let's see where it goes.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64274 - 08/29/06 06:09 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
i dont hav any rite to
feel any way about
anything. im just lucky
to be alive an thats
it. and im the one
w flaws im the one whos
fucking stupid

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64275 - 08/29/06 06:16 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

Lucky to be alive, sure, I bet that's true. But what about the rest? What flaws do you think you have? What is it that makes you stupid?

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64276 - 08/29/06 06:18 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
just cant do anything rite
who would wanta son like
me who cant do anythinng rite
just good for a fuck
thats all

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64277 - 08/29/06 06:27 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

A lot of survivors feel that way at first. What they don't realize is that these feelings reflect NOT who they are, but how they have been treated. If you look at your words above, that's exactly how your abusers treated you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64278 - 08/29/06 06:44 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
no they treatd me
way worse then
i could evr
treat myself

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64279 - 08/29/06 07:12 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

We don't think we disagree. What I am saying is that the way you look at yourself comes from the way they treated you.

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64280 - 08/29/06 07:17 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
they treatd me bad
so i feel like im bad.
like that?

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

Top
#64281 - 08/29/06 07:47 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Exactly. If a kid is told a million times "You piece of shit", what will he think? He will think "I am a piece of shit".

But who is the real piece of shit? The bastard who talks to a child like that.

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64282 - 08/30/06 03:04 AM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
trev look around you dude ,there are like 3000 guys here who dont think your only good for bad stuff ,and like they said if you get told enough times your shit you become shit ,i think what we got to do is tell ourselves just as many times that we are not shit till that becomes what we believe ,we got to undue all the shit they did to us and nobody can do that overnight it took time to makes us this way it takes time to undue it.so everytime somebody says hey trev your not bad ,thats one time off the list of being told you were bad ,sooner or later its gonna even out .hey trev your ok dude ,heh heh thats one more for the good guys adam

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its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#64283 - 08/30/06 12:59 PM Re: Men without dads
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
so wat do u want a prize
or somethin? :p

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My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#64284 - 09/02/06 05:39 PM Re: Men without dads
friendofseveral Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/25/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Independence, MO
Trevor:
Sorry to hear this, and believe me, I think I can partially understand. My buddy Dale has this same problem. Believe me, you're not bad just because someone else says you're bad, and we all need some validation some time that we're good. I do know that when Dale asks my opinion and such, he trusts me. He's called me such before, though I'm not sure if I should accept such an accolade. The real tragedy is what we're taught from these early experiences. Again, my heart goes out to you, and I do understand this anger. I would be angry too; one of the people who were supposed to protect you, failed. This set you up for more tragedy down the line. I think, and this is what I'm hoping for, in pursuit of being assistance to my friend, is to focus or aleviate this anger, so it doesn't destroy those who have it. To let someone else continue to manipulate you, long after the incidents (I hope I'm not out of line here, because I know how anger is; I have it too sometimes), is to allow the abuser to continue to control you, rather than being in control of yourself. Now all I have to do is convince Dale of this too, and we'll be making some progress.
Is there a way to get rid of the anger? What if I become the focus of misplaced anger? I don't want to have to hurt my buddy, even if I am defending myself.
These are things we have to consider, and to all the guys out there who've never had that experience of having a dad, I kind of know what that's like too. We can triumph regardless.

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#64285 - 09/02/06 11:25 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Trev,

What Shadow is telling you is that when we find it difficult to give up the bad feelings about ourselves, that's because they didn't just spring up all in one day. We learned those false lessons bit by bit, and now they have deep roots in our hearts.

So they won't go away now just because someone tells us they're false and we want to believe that. It takes time. If someone like Shadow tells you "Trev you're cool - you're okay", and you don't believe him, he understands why. But you ARE okay, and you ARE worth the effort. So Shadow will continue telling you until you DO believe it.

And so will I.

And so will others.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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