Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
blueelectron9 (48), Grunty1967b (2014), highflight (42), jocks44 (54), kitm1 (47), Porrick (44)
Who's Online
4 registered (OKIE MIKE, petercorbett, 2 invisible), 22 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63415 Topics
443368 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#64247 - 08/26/06 04:31 PM Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi, I usually don't post in this area but need to hear from any of you guys that grew up without a dad around. Besides lacking a dad to look to for a role model, are there any other effects from it that perhaps compound the fact that one has also been csa?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64248 - 08/26/06 05:17 PM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think for lots of guys not having a dad around set them up for abuse .its one of the things perps look for ,a kid who is starving for male companionship makes a perfect target,but like with me your dad can be right there but still not be there for you . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64249 - 08/26/06 07:29 PM Re: Men without dads
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Adam took the words right out of my mouth. While my father was physically in the home, he was certainly no role model. He was physically and emotionally abusive, which set me up with the mindset that made the sexual abuse possible. I've long felt that sexual abuse rarely happens without other emotional forces, except for when it happens via a stranger and a moment of opportunity (which I think is probably the rarest form of SA). Much more common is where a child has been conditioned by those around him, or by the perp himself.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#64250 - 08/26/06 10:39 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

I had a great Dad, but in order to keep things going the man who was abusing me had to go to a lot of trouble to isolate me from my father. He told me endless lies about how my father thought I was a loser, etc.

I think every boy wants and needs affection and attention from a male figure he can admire; it is enormously encouraging to him when such a male figure makes him feel wanted, valuable and important. But if that input doesn't come to the boy from his Dad, or from other safe male relatives or friends, then this opens a void in the boy's life that he will try to fill. He will start asking himself "What's wrong with me?" and other dangerous and threatening questions. The same will happen if the boy's home life is dysfunctional and emotional support is not readily available, or if the boy is accustomed to being made to feel worthless and troublesome at home. Here too he will blame himself or wonder if things are so bad because of him.

In this situation, if an unsafe adult or older child comes along and begins to pay attention to the boy and make him feel good about himself, it won't be all that difficult for this predator to coax the boy into doing things that are more and more questionable.

To the boy, what's mainly going on is that he is getting attention that makes him feel special and wanted. So when the abuser starts to feed him lies about how "this is our special time", "this is just because I like you", and so on, the boy will desperately want all this to be true. And if he hesitates, protests or says no, then the abuser can easily get him to continue as before by threatening to withdraw the attention and affection. He will say something like "Oh okay, I thought we were friends".

The abuse can and often does go on from this to become extremely shaming and violent, and by that time the boy does know that the abuser is not his friend. But by then there are other considerations keeping the boy quiet. The point is that the problems at home made him vulnerable to the predator's attentions in the first place.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64251 - 08/26/06 11:02 PM Re: Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Roadrunner, Eddie, Shadowkid,

I'm learning so much, thanks to you all. My husband has never met his dad. I asked if he missed having a dad after we had met, and he had said, "You don't miss what you never had." I am sure he never thought it made much difference but I also am sure he has a very empty void there. I don't know if it ever bothers him to see dads w/ their kids, but I think it would bother me and I'd wish I could have had that.

It saddens me to no end that he was perhaps an easy target because of this. It makes me angry.

I wish for him a strong male mentor, an older man that could almost be a stand-in for what he never had, to take him under his wing, someone with principles and character that he admires, similar to my own older-woman mentor who prays with me, gives me solid marital advice and holds my hand while I cry. There are such people out there, good people.

Thanks again for your insights. I have to say I was pretty sheltered growing up and just figured everyone else had a pretty normal childhood, and I desperately wish it were so.

That button I've seen, "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" -- maybe it's true; maybe after healing from all this crud you can rediscover everything, almost like growing up again, getting to know yourself, even doing some childish things if you never got the chance to be much of a child before. But I guess, sadly, that a lot of people here will never know what having good parents was like, it was taken away forever, and I sort of think that should be everyone's birthright.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64252 - 08/26/06 11:29 PM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

Quote:
"You don't miss what you never had."
I will let guys like Eddie and Adam comment in detail, but in general that quote from your partner DEFINITELY gets the gong!

He may not yet realize the connections, but a boy is a human being with a heart and soul, needs and yearnings, that are just his as a child. The void can of course be filled in other ways (for example by an extremely diligent mother and other adults), but I think if the void is left unattended it will surely affect him.

The question isn't one of "if" but of "when" he will realize how much impact it has had on him. I have seen this happen to several of my closest friends here, and the consequences have been devastating.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64253 - 08/27/06 12:33 AM Re: Men without dads
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Larry,

Ugh. Ok. Now you can't leave me hanging-can you elaborate on some the "devastating consequences" you have witnessed - I just want to add to my current high blood pressure.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64254 - 08/27/06 12:39 AM Re: Men without dads
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:

"You don't miss what you never had."
Yeah, that definately gets the negative-buzzer from me. As Larry said, he may not realize the loss in his life from having not had a strong, positive father figure in it, but I can't imagine that it hasn't had its impact on him.

Growing up, I looked to my father for affirmation, acknowledgment, and a role model - instead, what I got was physical abuse, a destroyed self-esteem, and confusion on what being a man is all about. So I do grieve greatly what I never had.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#64255 - 08/27/06 01:20 AM Re: Men without dads
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think it would be better with no dad at all,cause when you grow up around them you feel like your supposed to love them ,no matter what . you feel guilty if you hate him ,like something must be wrong with you cause every kid loves his dad except you . just cause they treat you like shit dont mean you ever stop loving them that kind of love is more painfull than abuse ,i kept on giving my dad chance after chance to treat me right ,but just kept getting hurt .always willing to be hurt one more time to give him a chance to be good

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64256 - 08/27/06 02:03 AM Re: Men without dads
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

Quote:
always willing to be hurt one more time to give him a chance to be good
God, I know how much it must hurt to say this, or rather, to have to say this. But it's the truth and I know it must help others to hear how this feels. Your courage in talking about these issues never ceases to astonish me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.