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#64244 - 01/29/03 06:39 PM I have a difficult question to ask.
loved one Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 3
The man that I have fallen in love with told me one night that he thought someone had "messed with him" when he was a boy. He told me this one night after he had a few too many drinks. I didn't respond at the time, which I am so glad I didn't because it worked out so much better. We are very, very close, and we are very comfortable sharing anything with each other. We were lying together one night, and he had previously told me that he had experimented sexually with other men a few times. It had occurred during his long addiction to crack cocaine, which he is no longer a user. I told him that I understood completely, but I had to ask him about what he had said about being abused as a boy. I told him that I needed to ask him something, and he said OK. I asked, "Did someone mess with you sexually when you were a boy?" There was total silence for a minute or so, and he asked how I knew that. He didn't even know that he had told me that. He said that it had happened 40 years ago, and he had never told a soul. He has lived a life of torture in my opinion. He held all of those memories in for 40 years. Growing up, his mother was an alcoholic. He was a fighter, an addict, an alcoholic, and he had sexual encounter after sexual encounter.
The biggest question I have is about the sexual experimenting with other men. Is that a common issue with men who have been sexually abused by other men? And also, what is the best way to help him heal? Just telling me about the abuse has changed his attitude alot because he kept it to himself for all those years. I still think there is more we could do together that would be beneficial.

Thank you so much for listening. I would greatly appreciate any help you could give me.

_________________________
renee

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#64245 - 01/29/03 10:14 PM Re: I have a difficult question to ask.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hi Mike Church here.
Yes it is a common issue with men who have been abused by men. Sometimes it happens at an early age. The body will react to stimulus especially at an early age either by pain or pleasure. The perp will let you know in no uncertain terms that you are getting what you really want and eventually that the only worth you have is a receptical for a guys dick. So what happens. You believe it and that somehow you are a worthless piece of shit and that is all you are good for. When the feelings overwhelm you is when experiments usually happen. The downside of this is it just reinforces the sence of self loathing. You see it becomes a vicious circle.
He is very lucky to have someone like you. Just continue to give him support and love and the past will recede and lose it's importance for the future. Wd cannot change the past but we can strive to ensure that it does not affect the future.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#64246 - 01/29/03 11:02 PM Re: I have a difficult question to ask.
loved one Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/29/03
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for your reply. I guess I just needed some reassurance that the way I thought was right. After he revealed the abuse to me, I asked him if he ever thought that may be the reason that he had those male to male sexual experiences in the past. He of course replied that he never put the two together, but it did make sense to him. I think that revelation in itself made a huge difference in his life and his feelings toward himself. He really cannot believe either that I told him I would love him no matter what. He believed in his heart without a doubt that he would lose me when he told me about those things, but he wanted to be completely honest with me. I love him for that! It took more guts than I could ever imagine for him to tell me such personal things about himself. I am very proud of him! Also I wanted to say too that his alcohol problem has become almost a memory since we have discussed all of this and I have been helping him deal with all of these problems. Of course, he says he is a drug addict and an alcoholic and always will be, he's just not a user anymore. It's really amazing what love and understanding can do for someone. I know these problems will always be right there waiting to push their way back in, but I think we'll be able to deal with that when the time comes. I'm so glad I found this site. Just this one reply to my question has made me feel better, and I know will help him understand his feelings better too.
Thank you so much!

_________________________
renee

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