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#6410 - 06/19/05 06:26 PM About me (triggers)
CrazyRob Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
Hi! I found this site today and have hardly been able to read it for the tears. I am struggling to experience and express the feelings of joy to have finally found a group of men like me. I am also struck by a profound empathy while reading some of your stories. This place is for me.

As you can see my name is Rob. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

There is nowhere to start but the beginning. I was always my mother's "special little man". Even long before it ever got overtly sexual. She would always fawn over me and try really hard to show her love for me. My family was really involved in church as I was growing up. You may have heard the saying "We were there every time the church doors were open." Well, we had a key. Anyway, in my mid-teens, my mother started to change. She began to drink and smoke and curse. Things I had never seen her do before. As I was in my "rebelious" stage I thought at the time that these things were "cool". It was at this time that she sat myself and my sister down and told us that she didn't love our dad anymore and asked us if we thought that she should ask him to leave. As if we were adults! Well, needless to say they were divorced. With dad out of the house this gave her the freedom to do as she wished. She would let me invite my friends over and she would buy alcohol for us and let us all get wasted together. I found out later that she would have sex with my friends after I had gone to bed. I wondered why I had gained so many friends as I was not exactly an outgoing and popular guy. Well, eventually I guess it was my turn. One night she pulled me into the bedroom after several bottles of wine and proceeded to seduce me. She told me that she had always wanted to be my "first" and that she had a special bond with me that noone would understand. She told me that she wanted to show me how much she "loved" me. I don't know how many times it happened after that. I do know that it lasted for quite a while. I remember shutting down mentally and emotionally. I remember feeling disgusted and ashamed. I remember wanting it to stop. I remember feeling that if I didn't do what she wanted, she would leave too and then I would have noone. Dad was still around but he lived elsewhere. He never knew what was happening. She was a master manipulator and had effectively shut him out of our lives.

Eventually the abuse stopped when she found a guy that she liked well enough to move in with us. Thank God he was a good guy. When I was about 23, I told my (then) fiance about the abuse. She was not very supportive. She asked me questions that I had never asked myself. "Did you enjoy it?" "Did you ever initiate it?" "Do you think that's normal?" How do I know you won't do that to our kids?" Each question hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke off contact with mom for a few months and began my healing.

Mom has since spent 5 years in prison for "loving" someone else. She was released in March.

Now, 10 years and a divorce later, I am still on that path. I am currently in therapy for self-esteem and the sexual abuse issues. I speak to mom occaisionally. She admits what she did and says that she is ready to do whatever it takes to help me heal.

Thank you for reading this. Like Roland said in one of his posts, the more you tell your story the easier it becomes. Also, Thank you to the founders, board members, moderartors, and members of this site for making a place for me to come. It means more than I can say.

Rob

_________________________
"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."

-Unknown

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#6411 - 06/19/05 06:36 PM Re: About me (triggers)
sabooka Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 209
Loc: I would like to know also
Welcome Rob.

I am sorry for your abuse and thankyou for sharing it.
I hope that this place will help you to heal.

_________________________
My happiness is not dependant on other people's misery.

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#6412 - 06/19/05 07:30 PM Re: About me (triggers)
Maynard Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/11/05
Posts: 49
Hello Rob,

I am sorry to hear about the sexual abuse you went through, but I am glad that you found this site. I am new here too, but I have found that the people here are the most caring and supportive people I have ever met. I know how important it is to have people hear your story, so I just wanted you to know that I heard you.

_________________________
"Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning." Mahatma Gandhi

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#6413 - 06/19/05 09:57 PM Re: About me (triggers)
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Welcome Rob,

U have found the place where u can be yourself and talk about these issues that are personal in nature as u are able.

I does help to get it out and get feedback from others, it sort of soothes the wounds a little bit.

Glad U found us here at MS.

Healing_inside

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#6414 - 06/20/05 01:21 AM Re: About me (triggers)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome to here. I have a friend who recently joined here who, most his abuse, also was by his mother. Some of mine was also. You will find people here who can understand, and will not ask stupid questions! I am very glad you find us here, and I hope we can be some help to you.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#6415 - 06/20/05 02:32 AM Re: About me (triggers)
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Rob,
welcome to the MS forum and thank you for sharing. The forum isn't a perfect place, but you will find some amazingly wonderful men here who will help you. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#6416 - 06/20/05 08:43 AM Re: About me (triggers)
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
My friend who translate for me tonight, he guide me here to read you, as you read like I will speak. The abuse for me, it is mostly of my mother also, sexual, and physical by my father. It sound it is different some then you, but still, it amaze me some that there is other men who are abused by their mother. Before recent months, I would not think even is abuse, and it must be my fault, as I am the man. I am greatful you come to find this place, and I am greatful also that I meet you.

VN


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#6417 - 06/20/05 02:02 PM Re: About me (triggers)
CrazyRob Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/05
Posts: 24
Loc: Miami, FL
VN,

I am glad to meet you as well. I had never met anyone else whose mother betrayed them like mine did. I understand that pain, that confusion. How can someone who raised you and loved you and nurtured you and made you who you are be so wrong? How could she do this to her child? They put their needs before ours and it shamed and hurt us. She stopped being a mother that day and became something else... someone else. I now have no mother. Just a sorry old woman who can never understand the scope of what she has done to my life. I pray for the strength to forgive her. I claim that for me, for MY healing. If I can forgive her, then I can forgive myself. If I can forgive myself, then I can break this cycle of pain. I can live my life free of this guilt and this hell. I know in my head that it was not my fault, but the heart is not so easily convinced.

VN, have you told your story on here? I would like to read it if you are able to share it. There are so many posts in here I may not find it if you have posted it before.

Sabooka, Maynard, Healing_inside, Leosha, and Andrew, thank you so much for your support and for hearing my story. The great thing is that you all understand what that means! You know.

Praise be to God!

_________________________
"When the fight begins within himself, a man is worth something."

-Unknown

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#6418 - 06/20/05 08:47 PM Re: About me (triggers)
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Rob.


Quote:
How can someone who raised you and loved you and nurtured you and made you who you are be so wrong? How could she do this to her child?
My friend, I have been asking these same questions for a couple decades now. My mother was so out there. And those questions from your then-fiancee', those hurt just reading them.

Welcome to the site.

FT

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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