Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (30), camdon greenwood (30), Denise (72), getteddie (66), morgoth (24), Ric (66)
Who's Online
2 registered (hike1972, tbkkfile), 23 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63772 Topics
445339 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#64119 - 08/24/06 05:11 PM new here
sis2lostbrother Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/24/06
Posts: 7
Hi,

I just had a conversation with my brother and as often happens after a conversation with him, I feel lousy. Sometimes I don't pick up the phone because I want to avoid talkign about the same damn thing.

Without going into too much detail (because I'm at work and have little time) he's 38 years old (i'm 34) and he came out with a huge bombshell just a couple years ago when he told me and everybody that our dad had sodomised him when he was very small. Nobody believes him and have shunned him for it. He had always been a troubled person growing up and has had run ins with police for drugs and has been hooked on drugs and has never been able to keep a steady job and is continuously evicted from places he's lived in. As much as I want to help him, I don't think I beleive him all that much myself either. I also dont' disbeleive him completely either.

I always use phrases like "what you say happened to you" and "the abuse you say you went through", because I dont' want to sound like I buy his story but at the same time dont' want to tell him I don't beleive him. I have my doubts. I don't know what to beleive. I love my dad but I also love my brother.

I dunno. .. I told him today , for the first time, that talking about this is putting a strain on our relationship (my brother and me) and that i sometimes don't even want to talk to him because of it. Our relationship isn't the best.. i mean, how could it when i see him so seldomly and i avoid him like the plague. I told him that he needs to find professional help because I'm just not equipped. He asked me for money this last week and I'm going to help him out, but I have my own family to worry about. My dad has always helped him out financially and he always accepts because, as he puts it, our dad "owes him".

I don't get this tho... how can you accept money from a man you beleive has ruined your entire life and is the cause of all your problems.

I told him to forget about our dad because he will never admit to having abused him and just take responsibility for your own life.

I just don't know what to tell him. I have a whole slew of opinions but saying them won't help him and my disagreeing with half of what he says won't help either.

.... sigh... thanks for listening.. maybe now I can put my mind back on work..

.... or not...


Top
#64120 - 08/24/06 05:33 PM Re: new here
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
sounds like a survivor to me ,most people wouldnt make up something like that ,you know ?its like real embarrasing to say that someone did that to you. maybe your dad does owe him .but only you can decide if you believe him or not if hes telling the truth he needs someone on his side not being believed is as bad as being abused ,just my opinion though

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#64121 - 08/24/06 05:47 PM Re: new here
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
well to begin, coming out about being abused is the hardest thing i could imagine. i dont forsee someone making that up, because you know no one's going to believe it, and that you are instantly shunned and labeled a nut. i tend to believe him, but then i am a survivor myself, and i know i wouldnt put myself through this just as some sort of scheme or something.

yes, he needs professional help. repairing all of this stuff isnt a dyi project. he needs help with his drinking and drug issues, as well as his esteem and other issues.

how does he accept money from him? simple, even after the abuse, he is still dad. no matter how much you hate him, he is still dad. it is very, very hard to completely disown and family member, no matter how toxic they are.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

Top
#64122 - 08/24/06 06:01 PM Re: new here
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sis,

As Shadow has already indicated, it's not all that likely that a guy would say someone has sexually abused him if that isn't the case. There are such elements of shame and guilt attached to this sort of thing that any attention he would get would definitely not cancel out the negative impact. Add to that the idea of being molested by your own father, and that makes it even less likely.

I of course don't know the people involved and I know this is difficult for you, but you should know that abusers are experts at concealing what they do. Priests, cops, youth leaders, fathers, brothers, mothers: any of those can be abusers, and in some cases it turns out they have abused hundreds of boys - the police get tipped off and check the abuser's computer, and it turns out he's been keeping files on all his "conquests". The man who abused me was a Scout leader and a respected church leader, for example, and he may have abused half the boys in the troop.

The problems your brother has had also ring true for a troubled survivor of sexual abuse. Abuse isn't just the physical violation; there's a devastating emotional impact as well. The boy comes to feel worthless, unlovable, unwanted, and so on. Troubles with drugs I can identify with myself, and others here could tell their own problems in holding down jobs and similar difficulties.

On why your brother still relates to your father and takes money from him, I doubt that it's just a matter of "he owes me". An abused boy is often so emotionally lost and confused that it takes a therapist to figure it all out, and in any case, a boy's father is still his father. It's natural for him to want his father's attention and support, even if all else seems to be going so terribly wrong. We have all heard of beaten boys who come back to their father after the beating to apologize and promise to be good in the future, all in order to win the father's love.

In all honest, I have to tell you that if your brother is in fact a survivor of sexual abuse, it does him great harm to be told "just take responsibility for your own life". In order to achieve exactly what you suggest, the first thing a survivor needs to do is tell someone what happened and ask for their support. In approaching you he has done that. But to him, what you said in response amounts to being told that he IS worthless and it's okay that these things happened to him. He should just "get over it".

The difficulty is that the emotional impact doesn't go away with the passage of the years. That's what he's trying to tell you.

Please don't feel blamed in anything I am saying here. Believe me, I really feel for the situation you are in: between the proverbial rock and a hard place! Please feel free to comment further here and ask if you have any more questions. You are most welcome here and I hope the site can help you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#64123 - 08/24/06 06:01 PM Re: new here
thetraveller Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/29/06
Posts: 69
Loc: England
I was abused by my mother and my sister was the first person (after my therapist) I told. I know if she had not believed me I couldn't have coped.

My mother(as with almost all perpertrators) denied the alligations and called me sick, evil and twisted. Claiming I was just a screwed up junkie. Yeah, she screwed me up.

I see a lot of similarities in my life to the one you described your brother has lived. runs in with the police, nover holding down a job, getting hooked on drugs etc.

I would suggest you think about what has he got to gain by making these claims.
Has it made his life harder or better?
Is he lying to get guilt money out of you or your father for his drug habit?
What would be his motivation for making up these claims?

Only you know your brother and can decide whether he is telling the truth or not.

Please think carefully before passing judgement. I know if my sister had not believed and supported me I would be in a really bad way right now instead of on the path to recovery.

Take care

Craig


Top
#64124 - 08/24/06 07:17 PM Re: new here
sis2lostbrother Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/24/06
Posts: 7
Quote:
Originally posted by thetraveller:

I would suggest you think about what has he got to gain by making these claims.
Has it made his life harder or better?
Is he lying to get guilt money out of you or your father for his drug habit?
What would be his motivation for making up these claims?
thanks for all your replies...

What he'd have to gain? well, if you asked my aunt, uncle, dad, grandmother, stepmother, they'd say that he's doing this to get sympathy money from our dad.

has it made his life harder? yes, but it was already hard life to begin with and my brother is self destructive.

My brother has lied to us all about a lot of things to get money but my gutt tells me that lying about this to get more money is not something a sane person, a smart person which he is, would do. At the same time, I have cought my family in a lot of exaggerations of things. They all said that my brother raped my little sister. They all beleived it. After being sick of hearing this, I went to her myself and asked. It was a lie.

He felt her up once when she was 6... that's what she said. Not to trivialize being fondled but it wasn't rape.

I know that my dad has obused young girls in the family... so I know he's capable, but a boy? "Never a boy" is what my family says.. I've asked them this "if a person is sick enough to sodomise and have sex with a young girl, why is a boy so hard to beleive".

They stick to their guns..

So, on the one hand I know what my dad has done, and on the other I know how bad of a lier my brother can be too.

Is it possible to have a "normal" brother/sister relationship with him? and not have to talk about this subject?

Or am I being selfish and/or unfair to him to ask not to talk about it anymore ?


Top
#64125 - 08/24/06 09:01 PM Re: new here
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Sis,
I'm somewhat of a newcomer here myself, but the history of a lack of sexual boundaries you had growing up in your family make it more likely that your brother is telling the truth than not. Just my opinion. And I've also learned that "mere fondling" of a child by an adult can confuse a child sexually as it grows up as much as a full-fledged rape can.

Does your brother know about this site? Read about symptoms others are having here and compare them to his.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64126 - 08/24/06 09:07 PM Re: new here
sis2lostbrother Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/24/06
Posts: 7
brokenhearted, no he doesn't know about it since he doesn't have a computer with internet access. When I told him to get professional help he asked if something like that even existed... I was shocked he'd even think it didn't. But I'm going to see if I can find some help like that myself.

He has zero money and no insurance. Could he even get therapy?


Top
#64127 - 08/24/06 09:51 PM Re: new here
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
You could get him Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer." So many guys on this site swear it's helped them somewhat, in addition to reading on this site, because that makes them feel less alone. I'm currently preparing to give my husband the link to this site because I know he needs it. Those are starting points - as for therapy, not sure about cost/ins. Someone I think mentioned calling a Crisis rape line or something that counsels MEN as well as WOMEN of sexual abuse over the phone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#64128 - 08/24/06 09:52 PM Re: new here
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Also you could maybe just print out a lot of posts from this site and give them to him to read. I think they would REALLY help him.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.