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#64007 - 01/21/03 05:13 AM Would I do it again?
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I read bwashingtons post and asked myself today
If I knew now how the years would have turned out would I do it again? Spend the years with this man who I knew was abused... Knowing I was dealing with my own sex abuse, physical abuse etc issues...
I can only say its been one of helluva day -- It is about 2 AM my time -- he's laying in MY bed with that fucking cpap machine and I hear him struggle to breathe & have had to consistently nudge, pat, shove or just tell him to breathe -- I am pissed...
I had and have no choice in the matter of his abuse nor my own.
Bwashington I dont know how long you have been with this guy - nor how young you are --- I geuss I have a couple questions for you and mostly for myself in this --
How is this working for you? -- yea I got it off that dr phil guy but it sure is a good question.
How has this relationship worked for me? Gee -- fulfilled my need to NOT BE THE TERROR OF A PARENT MY BIRTH PARENTS OR MY ADOPTED PARENTS WERE / ARE.... but I still fucked my kids up, and as my youngest daughter told me -- yea decided it would be ok if I had kids, i figure everyone pretty much fucks them up its how hard you minimize the damage as you parent them that matters -- hmm pretty good i think for a kid who saw her dad in bed having sex with one of her girlfriends and having a mom who was a screamer and an over controlling wench as she grew up.... considering i simply parented by not doing what my parents did to me -- over protecting wasnt and couldnt begin to describe my wanting to protect them from life's shit.
choosing life partners tho? -- jeeze yea i am the queen of hosing that one up -- first hubby was a drunk, knew he was knew i would eventually divorce him but was too scared to leave the life i had & live my life on my own terms either -- 2nd hubby turned out to be the neediest of all of us. shit my kids didnt need as much as he does....
by the way i am in a very biased position and angry here tonight so toss out what you cant use and ignore this entirely if need so --
but what do we gain in the relationships of being with very broken people? A feeling of superiority?-- oh do i know i functioned on that false sense for a long time -- I was no chicken shit, faced down my abusers and had control, man i was the bravest most powerful bitch going (insert sarcastic evil laughter here)... i kept up my therapy and gently tried to get hubby2 into therapy along the way... even thought maybe a little fucking osmosis of healing just might occur if nothing else --- even got to a reasonable point of some sense of forgiveness...
but what i realize it aint about his ass...
its about mine, life is just about ourselves afterall... who we surround ourselves with , life mate with, ... the choices we make of how things are working for us --
how they work for me now? hmmm... lots of anger, lots of thots of "wish i woulda just died a long time ago".. lots of thots of gee i must be gettin challenged by God again to see if I am good enough to make the gates...
and i still dont know if i would have chosen this life path if i had the knowledge i have now.
i try like hell to be positive and right now i am not -- maybe its the trying to come off the pain killers and just get my fat ass moving on with the physical healing talking here -- but that aint all of it ... sounds good tho huh?
its temporary just as all things have proven to me they are -- short bursts of energy and positive reinforcement, then WHAM, -- I feel like he is the biggest piece of shit walking for what he did to me with the lying , the hiding, the whores, the porn, and the coup de grace -- being slapped with a sex abuse charge.... I see him today as the weakest son of a bitch walking -- when in reality hell i had the knowledge, i just chose badly --
me I chose, I chose therapy for these past 12 years -- I chose to be clingy when I felt weak, and chose to bullshit myself and others that I was fearless and strong when I felt the weakest...
today and for the past several days I have been regretting ending a new relationship that had started, becuz hubby2 had a crisis break in his memories of his abuse -- had created so much chaos in my life i couldnt and still cant fucking think straight.
And how is that working for me? -- It aint, again I chose to be the martyr, and he is asleep in my bed right now -- I only invited him to supper not for the fucking night -- why dont i wake him and make him go the fuck back to his own house?
Cuz, I care enough not to add insult to something he wouldnt understand right this moment --- that I am in a rage and dont even know why.... knowing full damn well my own abuse issues are being pushed over the edge right along with his own... oh his latest thing is that he has been worried about my health -- yea big deal, it hurts right now, and i am angry i have yet another set back physically --- but i have already faced down a whole lot worse than feeling like shit physically, and me -- how is this working for me?
so tommorrow I dont regret being a bitch cuz he needs his time, he needs someone to be with him, he needs to do what he needs to make his amends to me --- and me I still need him too
thats it, i still need him too --- i dont want to have to explain my abuse buttons to anyone else (tho i could leave it out completely in a new relationship but that would not be realistic either) -- i still need his fucking health insurance -- i still need his unconditional support when i am being a bitch whether it is real or not for him -- and i still need to be pissed off at him and let him know it when I am mad... but i go on choosing to be bigger and better by not hurting his feelings when it might trigger him ... then i pay the price
A price I have been paying all my fucking life -- and ya know what? it sure the fuck would be easier being dead and starting the fuck over -- but i have no control in that matter, i just gotta keep on keepin on trying
cuz thats how this life works for me -- keep trying....
you're young? -- educate yourself for yourself about abuse .... THEN CHOOSE. BUT choose totally for yourself.... we cant rescue them, or fix them, or be their shining stars they have to do that for themselves ---
I am 41 yrs old sitting in disability housing dying nice and slow from heart disease and a broken heart and spirit -- the only thing i did semi right was have my kids and I talked to my daughters today -- just us 3 girls.
We talked about the long term relationships they are each in... correlated their guys with their dads, and them with me -- rescuers both of them... I told them to really take some time to consider choosing thier life mates and the course of their lives --- to do life for themselves. To be the most selfish women they could be when making those choices. To look at the patterns of their guys over the past few yrs they have been with them, -- how they fight, how they behave when they are under stress, or tired, or faced with adversity -- how they support them if they have a problem.... then to think of the rest of their lives raising families with them ---- could they maintain their own sense of identies along the way? How much are they willing to give and share and sacrifice?....
How are their lives working for them right now? Choose what you can change, and accept what you cant...
that acceptance shit HA! real easy to spew out of my keyboard, not easy to do....
I am still trying to figure out for myself exactly how to be independant --
and all I could hear in my head tonight as I lay there next to him holding the urge to pinch that damn hose off on his cpap machine wake him and scream at him
"I forgot to tell the girls the most important tool in life"
dont ever be afraid, embarrassed, or any other ton of excuses to ask for help when you need it no matter the problem
the most important piece of info I can give them is that all humans need help and want a reason to help others ----
dont be a martyr, ask for help and accept help
there will always be a time when your own self will be helping another so that the continuem of human kindness can go on, sometimes when we dont even know it ---
So today at a reasonable hour I will call them and tell them that realization....
someone said knowledge is power --- i agree it gives us basis to make choice as to "how this is working for us"...
wishing you the best
and going off to squeeze my eyes shut real tight and dream about winning the lottery again so i can make a whole new different life for me --- sometimes dreams can be so sweet
Wifey1


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#64008 - 01/21/03 06:48 PM Re: Would I do it again?
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Holy shit...that was amazing and harsh and beautiful and real and I read every single word.

I have nothing to say! amazing...I just sat here with my fingers poised at the keyboard for about two minutes straight, but nothing came out. now pearls of wisdom intended to illuminate your struggle - I feel you have heard a lot of that. No floral spiritual BS, that too is a little commonplace. No plan proffered from the trenches.

You have considered it all; all that is left to do, for you, like me, is to let be...and I am cross-postiong RJD's quote (but I am attributing it to you, RJD!)

Quote:
This is from, The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.


_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#64009 - 01/21/03 08:11 PM Re: Would I do it again?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wifey
someone should carve that in stone, I'm like Cement here... what can I say or add to that.

Quote:
educate yourself for yourself about abuse .... THEN CHOOSE. BUT choose totally for yourself.... we cant rescue them, or fix them, or be their shining stars they have to do that for themselves ---
That's the truth Wifey, pure and simple.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts like that.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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